10 First Night Sex Advice Given To Indians - This Is A Laugh Riot!

If there’s one thing that can make newly-wedded couples cringe from the insides of their souls, it is the wedding night advice that their respected elders bestow them with right before they are about to enter their room for the night.

Suddenly your nani and your dadaji turn into the boldest people you’ve ever known with full of bedroom secrets that can even put Cosmopolitan to shame! Now while you may have heard of the supremely common counsel of making the groom drink a warm glass of milk right before he sits on the bed to lift his wife’s ghoonghat, there are many such golden pieces that can surprise, astonish and embarrass you! But despite all, they won’t fail in one thing – and that is making you laugh. Read on to know 10 such “first night” advice.

In This Article

1. Don’t know how long to please her down there? Just recite the alphabet, that’s how long!

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While it’s really a good idea to be cautious of how much is too much, beginning to recite the alphabet while you’re down there can totally defeat its purpose! Unless both of you are into some sort of kink. Then it makes sense, perhaps.

2. The girl will not get pregnant if she’s on top. Gravity can stop it!

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Sir Isaac Newton is probably groaning in his grave right now as we’re sure that even in his time, nobody had heard or said something as absurd as this!

3. Everything looks the same when it’s dark.

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We’re not sure whether this is for the groom or the bride or for both of them, but if it’s dark, what are you going to see anyway?

4. Cut and shape your nails.

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Well, that is one of the best pieces of advice you’ll ever hear in your entire lifetime! And no we’re not talking about hygiene or beautification here. This is just to prevent you from explaining to the nurse at the ER how you got a nail stuck in an unmentionable place!

5. Make him sneeze before he reaches a climax so that it’s stronger.

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And can you imagine that nobody told you how to make him sneeze while both of you are in the act? Are you supposed to blow pepper-filled kisses in your hubby’s direction? Or are you supposed to tickle his nostril’s with a long feather? We wonder.

6. Squeeze her like a horn. She’ll love it.

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Okay, whoever came up with this obviously does not know women. How would you like it if she yanks at your junk like it’s a joystick?

7. Before you turn off the lights, lift her veil and confirm.

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And we think the guy who heard the earth shattering ‘no’ for the first time is well worthy of sixty seconds of silence for the lies, the deception and treachery he uncovered when he lifted off that veil!

8. If you want to have babies, keep your legs up for 15 minutes after the night is over. If not, stand up and walk immediately.

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Because if you start walking around, his essence would be drained right out! And this is how we became the nation with the second highest population.

9. If you love him, you’ll love everything he does in the bedroom.

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And you’ll enjoy it the most when he conks out after he’s done his ‘business’. Or maybe there are exceptions? Who’s to tell? Aunties? Anyone?

10. Sleep soon, there’s puja in the morning.

Because we are a nation that has been raised by the sanskari hand of the great Alok Nath. So hold that thought and instead zor se bolo!Jai Mata Di!

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