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We all know the recipe for a happy married life, what we don’t know but often assume are the portions of the ingredients. We often hear our married friends say, ‘We’re not having as much sex anymore,’ a state of mind that is gilded by pop culture and reinforced by the debris of listicles on the internet. ‘Are you having enough sex?’, ’10 ways to spice up your sex life’, ‘You must have sex once a week’ – irresistible click-baits often inform us of dissatisfaction we did not know we should have felt.
While it’s true that novelty wears off as the relationship grows old, you step into foliage of activities that are often more necessary and fulfilling than making love.
Let’s analyze some of the reasons you may be experiencing a lowered libido.
Postpartum/Children
What a mother’s body is subjected to during childbirth, is anybody’s guess, but what we do know is that it’s a gut-wrenching experience akin to 20 bones being fractured simultaneously. Postpartum, the body needs time to heal, for hormones to adjust and for the mother to understand the various moods of her mute little one, all the while suffering from sleep deprivation. New mothers who speak about their lowered drive, are often instructed to ‘just do it anyway, you’ll work up the mood.’
You ought to listen to your own body. You don’t have to ‘just do it,’ that plays right into the hands of the male privilege and stereotype that they need sex and it is your duty to satisfy them.
House-Work
A woman working the second shift, scrubbing toilets, feeding babies, cooking, might understandably not have enough time in the day to work up a sexual appetite. She is often overworked, underappreciated and disconnected by the constant exposure to domestic litter.
You ought to work as a team, share the work around the house. A well-rested woman is likely to have well-greased desires, what’s better is that shared housework reveals new spots to have sex!
Gendered roles
Married or not, nobody owes sex to anyone. It isn’t in your vows; it shouldn’t be in your expectations either. Traditionally, marriage as an institution pinned several duties on women, straying from which would often invite scorn, ridicule, suggestions of therapy and at its worst, result in divorce.
It’s downright pathetic to assume that there is something ‘wrong’ with a woman unwilling to indulge in sex. And if it happens despite your refusal, it’s rape.
Yes, he is a man, and he has needs, so do you, the only issue is that he is vocal about them and society has buttressed his needs to a point where their fulfillment seems inevitable to sustain a marriage.
Men should respect their partner’s body and rights, understand her menstrual cycle, be empathetic towards her moods, suggest alternative ways to feel intimate.
Quality over quantity
How much sex is enough? Who decides that? Some forlorn study performed on a handful of people? When it’s known that no two people experience orgasm the same way, isn’t it natural that seven billion people do not relate to sex in the same way. Our ears should be turned towards quality, not quantity, sexual frequency seldom reveals satisfaction, especially in women.
Sex is beautiful and important when it’s performed out of love, free will and desire. But the men in the relationship need to stop calling the shots on when, how and how often to engage in it. There is nothing commendable or feminine about compliance. Never belittle a woman for saying no, never pester. Your only duty in the marriage should be honesty and communication. Talk to each other, share the work and write your own definition of intimacy.
