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Being a mother is a blessing. But being a good mother is a status symbol. It’s like wearing a super-woman cape when you feel like a victim inside. Raising a child is a battle every woman is fighting, not against her baby, not against herself but against the society.
And what’s worse is that the biggest bullies are fellow mothers. Be it your husband’s mother or mother of your child’s playdate. Why are we constantly competing? What are we trying to prove? What do we achieve by demeaning another mom just because she chooses not to breastfeed her baby after six months or because she decided to leave her offspring at home and rushes to work?
Remember the scene from the movie ‘The Intern’ where Anna Hathaway becomes a subject of ridicule just because she chooses to run a successful startup over gossiping with fellow mothers. I know how Jules (Anna Hathaway) feels. Because a lot of times, I feel the same. Sacred, confused and mean.
This might sound like a mother’s frustrated rant, but believe me, it is more than that. This is my message to mothers who have been mocked at, judged and tagged as mean mothers. You are not alone in this. I know how bad it hurts.
It all started when I gave birth to a healthy baby girl one year back. And since then she is an inseparable part of my world. But mind you, just a part. My world comprises of other things too – friends, work, hobbies and most importantly myself.
I went back to work a day after my daughter turned six months. And it was a conscious choice. But the way things turned from there landed me in depression. Initially I ignored it, but things kept getting worse. I refused to accept my therapist’s diagnosis till she mirrored my own thoughts loud and clear.
A month back I met my gynecologist because I didn’t get my period and suspected that I was pregnant again. It turns out, I was not. It was just stress. She linked all my emotional and physical symptoms to something called as continued postpartum distress which occours if postpartum depression is ignored after childbirth. I was asked to see a counselor before it gets worse. And reluctantly I did.
Today was my fourth meeting with the therapist and what she told me broke my heart. I am exposing my vulnerable side as I write this. But I must open my heart and connect. Because I know there are likes of me who need to read it, who need to know they are not the only ones stuck in this chaos.
Here are the deductions my therapist decoded based on my confessions, and I am not embarrassed to announce them:
This is what she said
- People around constantly judge you. In the haste to prove yourself better than others, you take decisions that don’t agree with your inherent nature.
- You are posing your child as a trophy. Which is not a problem. The problem is, in all this chaos, you are not able to have a good time with your baby. You are constantly worried about her performance, and yours too!
- You can’t sleep at night because you feel worthless most of the times. You are fatigued. The constant balancing act of being a good mother and a good employee is exhausting.
- You are turning into a procrastinator. You decide things, and when you can’t achieve them, your morale goes down. You are irritated.
- You have body issues. You are constantly thinking of losing weight, starting with yoga, comparing yourself with other (not-so-overweight) mothers. You are abusing your brain with over-thinking.
- You are giving up on friends in trying to please competitors. You choose to go for a mother’s meet at your child’s daycare over having a coffee with an old friend (without kids).
- You are worried your husband is losing interest in you. You cry to sleep most nights because you feel things between you and him have changed drastically.
- You want some time off. By yourself. Without the baby. And the guilt takes the better of you. All those people traveling to exotic locations and posting pictures on Facebook make you feel like a loser.
- Your body takes a toll. The stress makes things worse day after day adding to your depression. This could lead to physical ailments, (irregular menstrual cycle in my case).
- Last and the worst, a wish to end everything. To isolate yourself and pretend to be okay. Stifled outbursts. Low self-esteem and lower energy levels. This could lead to lifelong physical and psychological problems.
This list was an eye-opener. And what’s surprising is, it was more about me as a person than about me as a mother. Each and every point is true to the T. My life revolves around these issues, and I wasn’t even aware of them. Innumerable other concerns erupt out of these and form a vicious chain of negativity and despair.
I am working on these problems and giving myself a chance to get back to a healthier and a more content life. And it’s not easy. It takes a lot of courage to put your foot down and say NO. To focus on experiences that make you feel good about yourself. To feel worthwhile. To exist without overthinking.
So dear mothers and mothers-to-be, be watchful of these signs. Talk to your doctor about them. And every time you feel unworthy of being a mother, tell yourself – I am doing the best I can. And I am happy about it. Thoughts eventually do turn into realities. Most of all, be yourself. There is no better way to exist.
