Telling funny baby jokes may offer you some relief from getting your baby to drive you completely crazy. 95% of the time, babies are sugar, spice, and everything nice, but oh that 5%. You might try and maintain your sanity by trying things such as meditation, listening to music, counting numbers, hiding in a closet, or locking yourself up in a room. But telling baby jokes to them might also offer some help. Read on for a list of funny baby jokes that make you go ROFLing or LOLing on the floor.
126 Funny Baby Jokes
Have a great time reading some funny baby jokes and maybe share with your friends and family as well. Spread joy!
- Why does a mother carry her baby?
The baby can’t carry the mother
- A baby’s laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear…
Unless it is 3 a.m., you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby
- Three men were discussing coincidences at a bar.
● The first man said, “My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins”
● “That’s funny,” the second man remarked, “My wife was reading The three Musketeers, and she gave birth to triplets”
● The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, “When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!”
- What are baby witches called?
- A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.
I said no, 40 babies are enough
- Jake: “My mom is having a new baby”
Joy: “What’s wrong with the old one?”
- Mom: “Why is there a strange baby in the crib?”
Dad: “You told me to change the baby”
- Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their baby?
- What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?
Where’s Pop Corn?
- What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry
- How do you get a paper baby?
Marry an old bag
- What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
- What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
- Parenting is mastering the art of a one-minute-poop and a half-a-minute shower!
Yes, and even the art of forgetting when you showered last!
- What do you call a cow that had a baby?
- Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn’t put her down
- What do you call a group of baby garbage bins?
- Never trust a baby with a dirty diaper.
They’re full of shit
- When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn’t he have an L-plate?
- Mrs. Goat: “Honey, we’re going to have a baby!”
Mr. Goat: “You’re kidding.”
- Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
- How did Batman decorate baby Robin’s crib?
With a bat mobile
- Did you hear about the baby turkeys that were all upset?
They were crying fowl
- Why did the infant go on a diet?
She wanted to lose her baby fat
- Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”
- Parenting is when weekdays are welcomed, and weekends are no-school days!
- Did you know you can get a wooden car seat?
It comes with a sign that says, “Baby on Board.”
- My wife was wondering what her breast milk tastes like, so she asked the baby. And he told her…
- How can you tell if a snake is a baby?
It has a rattle
- Why did the man bring his pregnant wife a small lizard?
She told him to pick up a baby monitor
- I think the hospital accidentally switched our babies at birth…
They’re identical twins, so it’s hard to be sure
- The best part of parenting is the day you realize that you have become everything that you hated about your parents!
- Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
Because it’s a nappy time
- Tell me, does the stork deliver babies with their diapers on?
No, they’re stork naked!
- Did you hear about the baby born in a high-tech hospital?
It came out cordless
- What did the buffalo say to his baby boy when paternity leave was over?
- Where do baby cats learn to swim?
The kitty pool
- Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?
- What do triplets need more of than single babies?
- What do you do with a fussy baby?
You pacify it
- I saw my son playing with a used diaper while the air conditioner was on.
It was all fun and games until the shit hit the fan
- How did the baby tell her mom she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail
- My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand
He just bet his newborn son in our game of poker
And I thought I might have to raise him
- Why was the baby drop of ink crying?
His mom was in the pen, and he didn’t know how long her sentence was
- Why did the baby crawl across the street?
He saw the one object you told him he couldn’t play with
- Have you heard of the pregnant bed bug?
She’s going to have her baby in the spring
- I rushed to the hospital when I heard my cousin could neither walk nor speak…
Apparently, all newborns are like that
- I read a book on prime numbers to my baby son.
And I had his undivided attention
- My partner is so negative… I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag…
But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby
- When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears. You know why?
He had real bears
- Do you like your new baby sister?
She’s all right
Do you play with her?
No, and we can’t even send her back because she’s been here more than 28 days
- How can you tell the gender of a baby?
If he cries it’s a boy
If she cries, it’s a girl
- What did the fire say to her husband after their son’s birth?
“Honey… this is Arson”
- Babies are not at all complicated because they have only three moods: crying, finished crying, and just about to cry
- Do you remember what you used to call your security blanket when you were little?
No, I’m drawing a blankie!
- Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Day scare centers
- A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s going on?” asked the concerned father-to-be.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
- Why did the baby monster ask his father to stand in the freezer?
Because he wanted a frozen pop!
- How does a baby look something up?
They “Goo Goo” it
- How do you make a baby ghost laugh?
You play peek-a-BOO
- I tried to steal candy from a newborn, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday
- I got a letter from my sister.
She just had a baby.
But she didn’t say whether it’s a boy or girl.
So, I don’t know if I’m an uncle or an aunt.
- Willy: “Mom, are our neighbors’ poor people?”
Mother: “I don’t think so, Willy. Why do you ask?”
Willy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”
- What’s a breastfeeding baby’s least favorite holiday?
- Why didn’t the baby want to be born?
Because it didn’t want to give up its free womb and board
- Did you hear about the lady who traveled to the ocean to have her baby?
She needed a sea section
- What were the policeman’s baby’s first words?
- A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”
- What do you call a newborn sandwich?
A cross bread
- What do you call baby snowmen?
- How did it work out for the lady who had a sea section?
She gave birth to a bouncing baby buoy
- Who held the baby octopus for ransom?
- How did the baby almost get herself and her mom kicked out of the crowded theater?
She yelled, “pacifier!”
- Who’s bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?
Their baby because he’s a little Bigger
- What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable, while the other is just having a baby
- How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid
- What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa
- How warm is a baby at birth?
- Where do baby fish sleep?
In a bass-inet
- My friend set me up on a blind date and he said, “I’d better warn you; she’s expecting a baby.”
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy
- What’s another name for a baby adoption center?
The stork market
- What did the roman dad name his fat newborn?
- What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want
- How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep?
- I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after she finishes college
- Babies’ toes are almost the same size and shape as tic-tacs.
That makes them tic-tac-toes
- Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
I’d much rather have a jelly baby
- Toddlers can be pleasant.
But newborns could be placenta
- Why do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can’t dress themselves
- What do you call a new baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block
- I sat next to a baby on a ten-hour flight.
I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight
Even though the baby was impressed, I pulled it off
- I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.
Apparently, you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours
- A couple is having a baby soon.
After learning they’re having a boy, the husband says, “Let’s name him Pete!”
But the wife says, “Honey, we’re having twins.”
The husband replies, “Well, we can call the second one RePete.”
- I would make a joke about newborns
But the delivery would be too painful
- Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
- Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
- What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
- How did the baby know she was ready to be born?
She was running out of womb
- I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.
It must have come out wrong
- What do you give a pig with a diaper rash?
- My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He then chuckled and said maybe they’ll marry each other.
I’m like yeah because my son is going to marry someone twice his age
- Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walking down the road.
Baby Tomato starts to lag behind.
Papa Tomato gets angry, goes up to Baby Tomato, squeezes him, and says, “Ketch up!”
- I see the baby’s nose is running again,” said a worried father.
“For goodness sake!” snapped his wife
“Can’t you think of anything other than horse racing?”
- Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?
Because littering is a crime
- Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper quickly.
- How does a baby ghost cry?
- A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”
- Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest
- Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a watch!
Give it some Epsom salts: that should help it pass the time
- What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way?
- When potatoes have babies, what are they called?
- A lady holding her newborn in her arms looks at him, her eyes teary in joy and goes when I think 9 months ago, I almost swallowed you
- What is a baby?
A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility
- The moment the baby falls asleep…
The phone rings, the siblings fight, the door slams, and the dog’s bark. Never fails!
- What’s a newborn baby’ favorite restaurant?
- Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids.
You can’t half-ass it
- My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster
- What do baby pythons play with?
- What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
“It’s pasture bed time.”
- Why is a baby like a diamond?
Because it’s a dear little thing
- My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.
He had really grown attached to it
- What did the papa jar say when he first held his newborn baby?
- What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose
- Small babies may be delivered by a stork.
But larger babies are delivered by a crane
- Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ”How do you really feel?
I mean, you’re 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?”
”Honestly, I feel like a newborn baby.
I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.”
Babies are usually fond of funny jokes and pictures that crackle them up. With so much to deal with being a parent, you may wish to have some lighter moments with your baby for a good laughter. Glance through some humorous jokes to stay happy and positive in your parenting journey. Also, when staying sane seems challenging, jokes like these may come to your rescue. These funny baby jokes will bring bouts of laughter and crazy moments to cherish. So go ahead and spread the joy.
Infographic: Funny Baby Jokes
Baby jokes can shift your mood from sad to happy in an instant. These jokes can crack you up and take the stress away, whether it is to liven the baby shower party or to lighten the heart when thinking of your responsibilities after the baby comes. So, dive in for a hilarious session.