101 Funny Pregnancy Quotes

101 Funny Pregnancy Quotes

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Pregnancy is one of the most significant phases of a woman’s life. It is a beautiful time of transition, growth and profound beginnings. It is also the time to be happy, joyful and relaxed. If you’re looking for ways to amuse yourself and have a good laugh, keep reading. This MomJunction post has some of the funniest pregnancy quotes and sayings that will guarantee a good laugh!

Funny Pregnancy Quotes

Laughter can be a great way to de-stress during pregnancy. Get your giggles reading the following quotes, and know how excited you should be as an expectant mother.

  1. “There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it” – Chinese proverb
  1. “Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife.” ― Queen Victoria
  1. “It’s a great thing about being pregnant – you don’t need excuses to pee or to eat.” ― Angelina Jolie
  1. “Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.” ― Erma Bombeck
  1. “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.” ― Bill Cosby
  1. “I think that carrying a baby inside you is like running as fast as you can. It feels like finally letting go and filling yourself up to the wildest limits.” ― Author unknown
  1. “Part of being a parent is rolling with the punches, so consider an unexpected pregnancy the universe’s way of helping you to learn to do that.” ― Heather Wittenberg
  1. “In the pregnancy process I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. She’s got a construction zone going on in her belly.” ― Al Roker
  1. “You do a lot of growing up when you’re pregnant. It’s suddenly like, “Yikes. Here it is, folks. Playtime is over.” ― Connie Fioretto
  1. “A ship under sail and a big bellied woman are the handsomest two things that can be seen common.” ― Benjamin Franklin
  1. “Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch.” ― E.B. White
  1. “Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” ― Joyce Armor
  1. “The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.” ― Kin Hubbard
  1. “My friend has a baby, I am recording all the noises he makes so I can later ask him what he meant.” ― Stephen Wright
  1. “Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws, I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby, and I can go out.” ― Matthew Broderick
  1. “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” ― John Wilmot
  1. “Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.” ― Mark Twain
  1. “A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
  1. “I have two brains in my body but I have never been so dumb.”
  1. “It’s double the giggles and double the grins, and double the trouble if you’re blessed with twins.― Author unknown
  1. “Life is two-riffic with twins.” ― Author unknown
  1. “Can it be that the Greek grammarians invented their dual number for the particular benefit of twins?” ― Herman Melville
  1. “Sugar and spice and everything nice. Oh my gosh! It happened twice!” ― Author unknown
  1. “Twin one, twin too!” ― Author unknown
  1. “Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.” ― Wilhelm Busch
  1. “Having a staring contest with a newborn is one of the weirdest things you’ll ever do. And it is highly recommended.” ― Author unknown
  1. “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ― Elizabeth Stone
  1. “There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins.” ― Josh Billings
  1. “Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” ― Marshall McLuhan
  1. “Everybody leave me alone. I’ve had a busy day being pregnant and I have to do it again tomorrow.”
  1. “That moment when all of your friends are dieting and exercising and you are just pregnant like ’Baby wants a cupcake’.”
  1. “Months have an average of 30 days, except the 9th month of pregnancy which has about 1,000 days.”
  1. “Growing a baby makes me feel like a superhero. A really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and is not allowed to lift heavy objects.”
  1. “When people congratulate me, I like to say, “For what?” and watch them panic.”
  1. “Not a waddle. Just a pregnancy swag.”
  1. “You don’t realize how many people your friends hate, until you have to name your baby.”
  1. “I am not Buddha. Rubbing my pregnant belly will not bring you good luck, prosperity, or wealth.”
  1. “For the nine months I am pregnant with a boy, shouldn’t I be paid 1.78x my pay?”
  1. “Stop saying, ‘We’re pregnant’. You’re not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No. Are you crying alone in your car listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? No. When you wake up and throw up, is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila.” -Mila Kunis
  1. “Being pregnant has made me realize it takes talent not to pee yourself when you sneeze.”
  1. “My baby’s body fat is 2 to 3% this week. I am so jealous.” – P!nk
  1. “Pregnancy is nine months of cheat days.”
  1. “Ask me the gender and due date one more time.”
  1. “Waiting for this baby is like picking up someone from the airport but you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in.”
  1. “Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother.”
  1. “There’s a whole birthing plan, but what is the plan other than to get it out? I mean, there isn’t an option to kind of keep it in, is there? So I’m assuming my plan is to get it out. But apparently, there’s more to the plan than that. I don’t know what that is.” – Keira Knightley
  1. “You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.”
  1. “At eight months pregnant, one does not simply ‘roll over in bed.’”
  1. “So I asked around and apparently I have a baby bump. And I am here to tell you that I do – I do! I am not pregnant, but I have had three kids and there is a bump. From now on ladies, I will have a bump. And it will be my baby bump. And let’s just all settle in and get used to it. It’s not going anywhere.” – Jennifer Garner
  1. “My everyday meals include breakfast, brunch, unch, pre-dinner, dinner, pre-dessert, dessert, dessert#2 and a post-dinner snack.”
  1. “Prenatal yoga focuses on breathing and stretching. So does napping.”
  1. “Don’t ask me why I am crying because I don’t know.”
  1. “The only productive part of me today has been my bladder.”
  1. “Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body–meaning that it wasn’t put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit.” – Amy Adams
  1. “I’m proof birth control is 99% effective.”
  1. “Growing tiny humans is so exhausting.”
  1. “Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.” – Carrie Fisher
  1. “My mother groaned, my father wept, into the dangerous world I leapt.” – William Blake
  1. “There is a sanctity involved with bringing a child into this world, it is better than bombing one out of it.” – James Baldwin
  1. “Whether your pregnancy was meticulously planned, medically coaxed, or happened by surprise, one thing is certain – your life will never be the same.” – Catherine Jones
  1. “I’m never as happy as when I’m pregnant. I literally would have 10 babies if I could!”– Tori Spelling
  1. “People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death.” – Jessica Simpson
  1. “That first pregnancy is a long sea journey to a country where you don’t know the language, where land is in sight for such a long time that after a while it’s just the horizon – and then one day birds wheel over that dark shape and it’s suddenly close, and all you can do is hope like hell that you’ve had the right shots.” – Emily Perkins
  1. “Pregnancy is getting company inside one’s skin.” – Maggie Scarf
  1. “Feeling fat lasts nine months but the joy of becoming a mom lasts forever.”– Nikki Dalton
  1. “Of course I can do this. I’m pregnant, not brain-damaged. My condition doesn’t change my personality.” ― Christine Feehan
  1. “When I found out I was pregnant, I was overcome with pure happiness. No periods for nine months, and that’s a reason to celebrate.”
  1. “The birth video they show in a birthing class can make a Quentin Tarantino film look like a Disney movie.”
  1. “Yes, I have gently placed my hand on my tummy and faked discomfort to get a seat on the subway.”
  1. “I haven’t had alcohol for months. This is not a pregnancy glow. This is a detox glow.”
  1. “‘Pregnancy brain’ is my excuse for everything I don’ want to do.”
  1. “I know my baby is going to be an over achiever. I reached my healthy weight gain limit in the first trimester.”
  1. “I am pregnant which means I am sober, swollen and hungry. Approach with caution.”
  1. “Maternity clothes are regular clothes with a 200% mark up.”
  1. “Being pregnant during winter is like getting your hair done and then wearing a hat.”
  1. “A baby shower is the last time the world will celebrate you.”
  1. “The ‘What fruit does your baby look like this week’ is both cute and creepy.”
  1. “Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale on your cheat day.”
  1. “The hospital tour is an opportunity to scope out all the couples you will be competing with for the private room.”
  1. “I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” – Jessica Simpson
  1. “Gas, bloating, nausea, insomnia, acne, frequent urination, fatigue, pelvic pain, bleeding gums, backaches, facial hair… Yes, pregnancy is wonderful.”
  1. “Pregnancy, a condition that makes you pee when you laugh, and puke when you cough.”
  1. “Wishing I could sleep, but someone is using my tummy for their own personal bounce house!”
  1. “I love insomnia! And having to pee five times every night! And this dried out hair and blotchy skin!… Said no pregnant woman ever.”
  1. “I can’t drink alcohol any longer, but still I get a hangover every morning.”
  1. “There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies.” – Churchill
  1. “Pregnancy is when you are officially allowed to swear and curse at your husband and blame it all on your hormones.”
  1. “That awkward phase in pregnancy when people can’t tell if you’re pregnant or just fat.”

Funny Pregnancy Quotes For Dad

Here are some more hilarious pregnancy quotes by dads and dads-to-be for their loving wives, to raise their spirits.

  1. “Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” – Chris Martin
  1. “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.” – Dave Barry
  1. “My wife just let me know I’m about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids.” – Brian Kiley
  1. “When your wife is pregnant, don’t eat the last, ANYTHING.”
  1. “I would love to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But, I am not a Dad.”
  1. “My wife is in that stage of pregnancy where people are not sure whether to congratulate her or buy her a gym membership.”
  1. “I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.” ― George W. Bush
  1. “Telling the world that I am becoming a dad is like telling the world we had unprotected sex.”
  1. “The accuracy of the ovulation apps ruined all the unprotected sex my wife was looking forward to.”
  1. “She is eating for two. I am drinking for three.”
  1. “Baby in the tummy, it is all up to mommy. But once the baby’s had, it’s bragging rights for Dad.”
  1. “We stopped trying to get pregnant as our efforts have already been successful!”
  1. “If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.”

So these are just some of the funny things people say about pregnancy. Did you have a good laugh? We hope you did! Share these quotes with the dad-to-be or a pregnant friend or sister – they go a long way to keep you happy and confident. And when you are happy, it has positive effects on both your and your baby’s well-being.

If you want to add more quotes to the list, write them down in the below comment section.

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Rebecca Malachi

She is a Biotechnologist with a proficiency in areas of genetics, immunology, microbiology, bio-engineering, chemical engineering, medicine, pharmaceuticals to name a few. Her expertise in these fields has greatly assisted her in writing medical and life science articles. With 8+ years of work experience in writing for health and wellness, she is now a full-time contributor for Momjunction.com. She is passionate about giving research-based information to readers in need. Apart from writing, she is a foodie, loves travel, fond of gospel music and enjoys observing nature in silence. Know more about her at: linkedin.com/in/kothapalli-rebecca-35881628
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