He was like an adult in a child’s body. He started working when he was a teenager, provided for the family, and took care of his family members. His parents were never available for him emotionally. He never really enjoyed his childhood.
Imagine the mental condition of a child brought up in such an environment. When problems such as parental negligence, rigidity, alcoholism or abuse exist in the family, the smooth functioning of the family is disturbed, leading to constant conflicts, fights, arguments, and tension.
This Momjunction post tells you what a dysfunctional family is, types and signs of a dysfunctional family, effects of such family on children, and how to overcome the problems.
What Is A Dysfunctional Family?
A dysfunctional family (DF) is one where the normal healthy functioning of the family is impeded through negative behavior such as abuse, apathy, neglect, or lack of emotional support.
In DF, the relationship between the parent and child is tensed and unnatural; parents constantly neglect or abuse the child and the other family members accommodate such behavior. In some cases, children end up with low self-esteem and grow up with the belief that such behavior is normal.
Understanding Dysfunctional Family Relationships
Ideally, children should grow up in an environment which helps them feel lovable and valuable. They should have the freedom to express their thoughts and desires, and as a parent, you need to fulfill them if you think they are appropriate and realistic. Such children grow up to be emotionally healthy and go on to have healthy relationships.
However, when children grow up in an environment where their needs are curbed or they are constantly criticized and abused, they:
- have low self-esteem and poor self-image.
- feel that their needs are not important or perhaps it’s not right to articulate their needs.
- grow up with the belief that such an arrangement is normal and accept it as a part of their life.
Individuals, who come from a dysfunctional family, have some typical characteristics. Let’s know about them in the next section.
Signs You Come From A Dysfunctional Family:
Look out for these signs to know if your family is falling into the dysfunctional category.
- You constantly please people: As a result of being abandoned, you fear disappointing people. You go to great lengths to please people. You grow with the belief that if you are nice to them, they won’t abandon you. So, you sacrifice your own needs to please others.
[ Read: Signs of Abandonment Issues ]
- You feel guilty: You feel guilty for no fault of yours and assume that it’s your fault when others are upset. This is due to the mistaken belief that you are responsible for their feelings. You want to do anything to make others happy even if it is at your cost.
- You feel empty and isolated: You are afraid of loneliness. You crave for affection, and when it doesn’t come you feel isolated.
- You are a perfectionist: As a child, you must have tried to meet the expectations of your family. You must have feared failure, and that makes you a perfectionist to the extent that you are obsessed with it.
- You feel responsible for others: You take up the responsibility of others while ignoring your needs. You lose your identity as you live in a codependent relationship.
- You are harsh on yourself: You judge yourself perhaps because you have been judged as a child.
- You are discontented and frustrated: When your sincere efforts are not appreciated, you get frustrated and annoyed.
- You are tensed: Even when everything is fine, you worry that something wrong is going to happen. There is no time to relax and when one problem ends, another one seems to crop up.
- Have poor communication skills: You think of something but end up saying something vague because you do not know how to put your thoughts into words. This could probably be the result of your parents’ negligence towards your feelings as a child.
- Anguish: There is no hope for better and peaceful life. You become pessimistic and feel there is something lacking in your life.
Having a couple of these signs does not mean that your family is dysfunctional. But if you can relate to most of these, then check if your family has the characteristics of a dysfunctional family.
Characteristics Of Dysfunctional Families
There is negativity in dysfunctional families leading to an unpleasant atmosphere. Here are some common characteristics of such families:
- Controlling: One or both the parents dominate and make decisions on behalf of their children even when it is unnecessary. They have an underlying fear of becoming useless to their children. This fear makes them feel abandoned when their children become independent. Children of controlling parents feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless — the feelings that they carry through their adulthood. They might end up being poor at decision-making.
- Abuse: Abuse, whether physical or emotional, is an unhealthy trait of a dysfunctional family. It is typically done by the parent on the child or by one spouse on the other. The children become insecure, feel unsafe, and accept violence as part of life.
[ Read: Emotionally Abusive Relationship ]
- Violence: When parents resort to physical abuse or violence to have control on the family, the dysfunctionality becomes evident. It has a negative impact on the kids, and they become violent as they grow up. The children may try the same with their siblings and could grow up to become bullies.
- Unpredictability and fear: There is an underlying fear and unpredictability of the circumstances and finances. The children live in constant fear arising from the actions of the family members.
- Poor communication: There is lack of communication and the bare minimum that is there leads to misunderstandings, differences, and mistrust.
- Lack of emotional support: In a dysfunctional family, one or both the parents fail to provide the necessary emotional support to their children. This could be due to the parents being busy elsewhere or neglecting their parental responsibilities. Kids end up spending their childhood in isolation and loneliness and growing up to be emotionally vulnerable.
- Perfectionism: One or both the parents have unrealistic expectations from their children. For example, they might want the child to top every exam that he writes; or win every competition that she takes part in. The expectation doesn’t end there because they put tremendous pressure on the child to perfect everything that they take up. Such attitude makes the child feel stressful, and they would carry that obsession for perfection into their adulthood.
- Over-possessiveness: Some parents are over-possessive of their children; they treat them like their personal possessions. They do not let the child mingle with anybody. They do not like if the child speaks to somebody. Such possessiveness might deprive the child of social skills.
Children brought up in dysfunctional families might end up heading another dysfunctional family as adults. While perpetuation is one of the reasons, there are a few others things that result in a dysfunctional family.
Reasons For Dysfunctional Families
Here are a few other reasons for the dysfunctionality in families:
When one or both parents in the family have an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or gambling, they do not care about their responsibilities, including those towards their family. For people with addictions, relationships and love for their children do not matter. They seem to be in a separate world, away from the reality.
2. Violent behavior:
The violent behavior of one or more members of the family breaks down the foundation of that family. The others live in a fear of being physically and emotionally hurt and thus keep a distance from each other. Lack of interaction creates a distance between them.
[ Read: Passive Aggressive Husband ]
3. Financial situation:
Money is one of the most important requirements for having a happy family. In scenarios where parents discontinue working or are unable to meet the financial requirements of the family, it leads to cracks and makes the family dysfunctional.
The urge of a person to have control on the members of the family vitiates the atmosphere at home. They might unleash tyranny and the others do not have an option but to do what the person tells them to. Such behavior curtails their freedom and makes the members dislike each other.
5. Religious fundamentalism:
When the parents have strong religious beliefs, they might develop rigidity, thus enforcing their beliefs on children. Such actions restrict the environment at home for the kids to grow up into normal individuals.
The reasons and circumstances behind dysfunctionality vary from one family to another. And each situation might have varied effects on the child.
Effects Of Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Family
The family members of a dysfunctional family tend to accept it to be normal or deny there is a problem in the family, without realizing its damaging effects.
Living in a dysfunctional family can have lasting psychological effects that are carried into adulthood. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families:
- Lack the carefree and childlike attitude because they are expected to take up responsibilities early in their life. They are expected to behave like an adult.
- Suffer from moderate to severe psychological conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.
- Become addicted to smoking, alcohol, or drugs.
- Have a love-hate relationship with the family members.
- Have difficulty forming healthy relationships within the peer group possibly due to shyness or personality disorder.
- Are angry, and isolated from others.
- Struggle to study well, and their performance at school is poor.
- Become irresponsible, and lack of discipline makes them live life on their terms resorting to procrastinating and over-spending.
- Become isolated and live away from family and friends.
- Have destructive or self-damaging behavior.
[ Read: How Does Mother-Son Relationship Evolves ]
The scenario in a dysfunctional family might look bad but it is definitely reversible. You need to identify the dysfunctionality and address the problem to lead a healthy life.
How To Overcome The Effects Of Dysfunctional Families?
It might seem challenging to overcome the effects of dysfunctional families, but it’s not impossible. All it takes is some effort and a lot of patience. Here is what you can do:
1. Get help:
The most common thing to happen in dysfunctional families is that the children start questioning their abilities and intuitions. They grow up with low levels of confidence and poor emotional health. A helping hand from friends or professional counselors can provide you some support.
2. Express yourself:
Share your feelings with family members, who are nice to you. Talk to the others in the family, share your thoughts and know theirs. Discuss with them on how you can make amends to your relationship.
3. Be responsible:
Learn to be responsible towards your family. Understand your role in it, and know what expectations the other members have from you. Before trying to change the others in the family, make an effort to change yourself and turn proactive.
4. Trust others:
When you grow up in an environment where your parents don’t trust each other, it becomes difficult for you to trust others. You need to make an effort to build trust with your genuine friends and relatives. However, you don’t have to follow anyone blindly. Once you start believing people and strike a balance between blind trust and utter distrust, you’ll find peace.
[ Read: Trust In Relationship ]
5. Mend your relationships with the family:
It’s not easy to change others in a dysfunctional family, but you can surely change yourself. You can motivate others to become like you. Things might just turn around. Do not indulge in unnecessary arguments in the family.
Dysfunctional families are emotionally unstable, and thereby affect everyone at home, mostly children. If you want to establish a stronger bond of love, trust, and honesty in your family, take up responsibility, make the first moves, and be ready to face hardships. When the others see your efforts, they might realize their mistake and support you in your endeavors.
Do you have anything to say about dysfunctional families? Do share your views by commenting below.
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