Pregnancy can be a gory story. Trust me. It’s not the most exciting episode of motherhood. So if you have already been through the pains of the not-so-rosy journey, and you encounter yet another mother-to-be, what must be your reaction?
Give her what you yourself got – cast an eye on her baby-bump, paint a morose picture of what she is looks like or what she is going to look like after the baby pops out, the terrors of labor, lash out underhanded compliments, or poke her with mommy-guilt…the list is endless. Sure, it’s only those who have experienced the ordeal who can so artfully scoff at another pregnant woman than the spinsters who breeze past them in their sexy gaits, or the men who haven’t fainted seeing their partners in the labor room yet. But here we unleash few ways to disarm her, and you can get your kicks out of it if she is a total stranger:
1. Run Your Fingers On Her Tummy:
Simply dare to. Now no woman would want a stranger to grope about her tummy, especially when it is already showing a bump. She will screech at you. If you still have space, mutter something to the baby inside. This time, she will want you to get lost. All you will want to do is to explain you were just helloing the baby. And just to add salt to the wound, you could say that the baby isn’t moving much, so she should consider seeing her doc at once.
2. Ask Her If She Is Prepared For The Labor:
As if women would not know how excruciating it could get, but the exaggeration will heighten her fears of going into labor, let alone how irate she could be with a hundred fingers poking inside her on every check-up visit. Tell her your story of how long you went into labor, how much you perspired and screamed. Tell her tales of women who have to be suddenly rushed through episiotomy. By the time you finish the tale, she will already be soaked in sweat.
3. Ask If She Is Not Allowed McDonald’s:
We all know how irresistible French fries are. So dig your teeth into a McDonald’s meal and grin saying how unwelcome she is to the feast. Tell her it isn’t good for her baby. She will be guilty of getting her mouth watering. If she defends saying, “It’s OK once in a while,” tell her that you wouldn’t do that to your baby no matter how seldom it could be.
4. Tell Her She Isn’t Looking Great:
If she is looking bumpy, ask her, “Are you sure you are not having triplets or quadruplets?” Or tell her that she doesn’t look like her baby has grown optimally. In either case, she will want to cover herself off instantly. Then take quips on her face. Does she look older or younger than her age? Older would mean she should have got pregnant much younger. And younger would mean she should have planned much later. And all this would mean she will admonish you to conclude that she will not look great again.
5. Ask When She Conceived:
If she already has a child, then why did she plan for the other, that too so early (or so late). Perhaps she is going to be a mother at an age-inappropriate time. Was it planned or an accident? If planned, did she conceive naturally or had to go through fertility treatment? She will be annoyed at your taking the authority to decide when she should have a baby, and whether she should have it in the first place at all. With this one, you have probably poked your nose too far into her affair. And she will probably be thinking your next question will be.
6. Boy Or Girl:
Does she know what she is going to have? If she already knows if it is a boy, ask her if she is happy not to have a girl and vice versa. Also, try guessing the baby names she must have got fixed. If she divulges at last, tell her in her face you are the least impressed with her choice. All the days and mind-bending hours that have gone into deciding the name will seem to have gone a vain. Instead, suggest a name that will take a jibe at her condition.
7. Tell Her That The Fun-Times Are Over:
Scare her with an image of postpartum life as the most miserable one. Sleep deprivation; no time for treats, fancy foods, wine, or friends; only diaper changes, baby feeds and loads of stress are what’s in store for her. There will be times she will think life was much simpler and easier before having the child. Is she prepared to face that reality? And if this wasn’t enough, bombard her with the advice that she already knows is good for her.
Lady, having a baby is not a cakewalk.
She will most likely know that she must embrace the new phase called pregnancy no matter how distasteful it is, but with all the spate of words you indoctrinated into her, she might leave for home all paranoia. And you will walk home kicking up your heels.