You have lived through 2 AM feedings and toddler temper tantrums. So, as your child starts growing, you may feel you’re out of the danger zone, at least until their teenage years. But even before they reach adolescence, children experience different developmental changes — intellectual, emotional, and physical.
It’s exciting and rewarding to see your child or teen growing into a young, independent adult. At the same time, it’s a tumultuous phase where children can act out in many ways, including breaking the rules, showing disrespect, and resorting to other rebellious behavior.
Understanding why your child acts rebellious or defiant is crucial to learn what you can do about it. Let’s start by looking at some reasons your child displays rebellious behavior.
Reasons For Rebellious Behavior In Children
Don’t let your child’s rebellious behavior distress you. Instead, learn the reason behind their behavior and address it in the right way. Here are some possible reasons your child acts defiant and rebellious (1) (2) (3).
1. Asserting control and independence
While growing up, children like to have substantial control over their lives and seek independence. They like to make their own decisions, take control over what they wear, who they hang out with, what they want to do in their free time, etc. Thus, they may act out or rebel when authoritative figures take charge or when you doubt their decision-making abilities. Let them experience more freedom, but also teach them that with greater freedom comes greater responsibility.
2. Exploring their identity
As children grow, they explore their identity. They begin to question things and ask themselves, “What do I want to do in life?” “What am I doing?” “Who am I?” etc., to try and find answers to understand their individuality. When parents don’t help children understand more about their identity, they may show signs of rebellion.
3. Testing the waters
Sometimes, children may do something or act in a certain way to ascertain if the behavior is acceptable. Children love to experiment, and thus, they may do something to test your patience and see how far they can continue with an action before facing the consequences.
4. Succumbing to peer pressure
Not only in middle school but even at a preschool level, peers influence children. They’ll do just about anything to fit in and feel accepted. When they succumb to peer pressure, along the way, they go off track and, rather than being themselves, act like someone else. Thus, instead of listening to parents or family members, they look the other way and do what they feel is right.
5. Seeking attention
It’s normal for children to seek attention and approval. Sometimes, when you are busy and aren’t available, children will do almost anything to attract your attention. The lack of attention can leave them seeking it in the wrong ways, and rebellion is one.
6. Dealing with an underlying problem
Sometimes, the rebellious behavior can be triggered by underlying issues, such as bullying, low self-esteem, and anxiety. Do not brush these off as typical behavior in children, and pay close attention to your child’s behavior. Take the help of caretakers or teachers to get to the root of the problem.
24 Ways To Deal With A Child Who Shows Rebellious Behavior
Rebellious behavior in children can be annoying and can test your patience. However, with a few tips, you can manage this behavior and discipline your child wisely.
1. Set reasonable expectations
Following the house rules, showing acceptable behavior, going to bed on time, etc., are expected from a child. These are reasonable expectations to have because you care and want the best for them. Sometimes, children may act unhappy about the expectations their parents place, especially if they are unreasonable. Set realistic expectations based on your child’s age and strengths and weaknesses, and never compare them with other children.
2. Pick your battles
Not all family conflicts are worth your energy and time. As parents, decide which battles are worth fighting and which can be let go. If your child wants to wear funky clothes or paint their fingernails, think twice before you object. While such actions can be shocking to you, they’re harmless and temporary. Instead, concentrate on battles that truly need your attention to protect your child’s well-being. For instance, you can encourage them to avoid bad company or tell them the ill effects of getting a tattoo.
3. Put yourself in their shoes
Every story has two sides. Similarly, every conflict has your story and your child’s. If you promised to take your child to the park but changed your mind due to the rain, instead of saying no, see things from their perspective and explain the reason. This way, they will not rebel because you broke your promise, and you’ll be able to salvage the situation.
4. Warn them of potential dangers
Children love to experiment. Sometimes, experimenting can lead to rebellious behavior. Before it’s too late, talk to them about the ill effects of tobacco, alcohol, etc. Discussing such things even before they have tried them results in higher chances of your children avoiding them.
5. Set appropriate rules
Set clear rules around the house. For instance, set their bedtime, playtime, and study time. You could also ask them to put the dishes in the sink after they eat, put their uniforms in the laundry basket after school, and brush their teeth before bed. These rules are appropriate for children and need to be strictly followed by them. You could occasionally reward them for their good behavior and take away privileges when they show disrespectful behavior or don’t comply with the rules.
6. Explain the logic behind the rules you set
Children may not fully comprehend the reason behind some of the rules. For instance, they might wonder why they should sleep at nine, while you can stay up until midnight. Rather than ordering them to go to bed, if you can explain that, as children, their body is still growing, and they need eight to nine hours of sleep, they’ll probably understand better and not act rebellious. If you lay down a rule and explain the rationale behind it, they’re more likely to accept it.
7. Be respectful
Children often come across as disrespectful and act rude to authoritative figures, which can be frustrating. If you respond in a similar manner, it can prove counterproductive. Regardless of how you feel, you must model the behavior you want your child to display. If your child sees you responding disrespectfully, they will mirror you, assuming it’s appropriate. So, always respond calmly and respectfully.
8. Focus on one behavior at a time
If your child acts rebellious in different ways, it can be exhausting to address all the problems in one go. Instead, pick the behavior that bothers you the most and work on how to improve it. For instance, if your child does not do their homework, does not eat enough veggies, and disrespects everyone in the family, you need to determine which behavior needs to be dealt with on priority. Once you manage to deal with it effectively, you can move on to the next.
9. Have a plan
Your child’s rebellious behavior can cause you to become emotional or angry. Have a few approaches in mind that you can employ in different situations, and use them to deliver your message calmly. While this won’t instantly solve the problem, it will certainly help you come to a conclusion sooner and resolve the problem peacefully and without resorting to yelling.
10. Set consequences
Once you determine which family rules are important, ask your child to stick to them and set consequences for breaking them. Follow through with the consequences the moment you see your child breaking a rule, or they will undermine your authority or ignore your requests. For instance, if they haven’t cleaned their room, you can say, “You didn’t clean your room, so you won’t be allowed to go out and play.” Also, don’t rescue your child from the consequences — this will only encourage further defiance.
11. Set up your child for good behavior
Ensure you do your best to prevent rebellious behavior. For instance, if your child doesn’t like broccoli but likes spinach, do not force them to eat broccoli. Slowly and steadily, you can introduce more vegetables into their diet. Similarly, if your child gets cranky when they have too many things on the weekends or after school, give them some extra time to go from one thing to another. This way, their chance at rebelling comes down, and you set them up to feel good.
12. Take advantage of your child’s verbal skills
As compared to when your child was a toddler, now you have the distinct advantage of dealing with the rebellion — you can talk it out. Discuss your child’s needs and calmly come to a solution that works for both of you.
13. Compromise when you can
If your child is adamant about wearing a thin dress to a dinner party on a cold night, rather than engaging in a battle, it is best you compromise. Suggest that they can wear the dress but should carry along a jacket or sweater. Instead of responding with rebellion, if they learn to meet you halfway in minor issues, it can go a long way when dealing with major ones too.
14. Give them choices
Sometimes, when a child rebels, it’s perhaps because they feel they’re not being heard or want a say in how or when they do things. You can make your child feel like they have some control by giving them choices. For instance, when you tell them that the toys should be put away, instead of giving them a specific time, tell them they have to put away the toys before dinner or before they go to bed.
15. Act, don’t react
When you witness your child acting out, don’t lose your calm or temper. Instead, step back and tell your child that you disapprove of the behavior, and they need to stop. Tell them you’ll discuss the inappropriate behavior at a time when they’re calm and enforce consequences. You can then use the time to calm yourself and let them think about their actions and potential consequences.
16. Encourage them to make their own decisions
As a parent, you can make the decisions for toddlers and young children. However, for older children, encourage them to make their own decisions. They may make a mistake or two but step in only when absolutely necessary. They’ll enjoy the independence to make decisions. From picking an outfit for a party to coloring their room in a color of their choice, let them decide. Decision-making is something that can stand them in good stead.
17. Don’t take it personally
Your child isn’t refusing to pick up their toys or eat their lunch to frustrate you intentionally. It is a way of showing you that they feel disconnected or something is off track. Instead of assuming they’re doing it for attention, look at it as a way of giving them the attention and the connection they crave. It’s bad enough they’re rebelling, but if you act out, it can be counterproductive. Show them love, and things will turn around.
18. Do something nice for your child
It’s not always about rules and proper behavior. Sometimes, letting them loose and doing something nice for them can go a long way in strengthening your relationship. Simple gestures, such as buying them a book they like, making them their favorite snack, and helping them get dressed, can let them feel your love.
19. Give them space
When a child is acting out, all you want to do is hover around and make sure they’re doing the right thing. Sometimes, this can be overwhelming for the child. Giving them the space to do what they want will help get their actions in control and allow them to think for themselves.
20. Try to uncover if there’s anything else going on with your child
Typically, when a toddler, young child, or teen displays rebellious behavior, it may be a sign of an underlying issue. So rather than focusing on how your child is acting, try to diagnose the underlying cause. A sudden behavior change can be due to multiple reasons, such as bullying, low self-esteem, or anxiety. Sit with them and help them open up.
21. Share your feelings with your child
Sometimes, your child may feel you have all the power in the house, while they have none. Restore balance by sharing how you feel. When you tell them their behavior is inappropriate, also tell them how you feel.
For instance, when they act out or stay up past their bedtime, instead of forcing them to go to bed, you can say you’re worried that they won’t get enough sleep and that they will feel cranky the next day. Similarly, if they walk away or slam the door when you’re talking, you can tell how you feel disrespected. When you share your feelings, your child will become more understanding and less rebellious.
22. Refrain from judging them
When your child makes choices or acts out, avoid making judgmental statements. Specific statements beginning with “You never…” or “You always…” will make your child defend themselves, act out, or think of themselves as a problem. This may make them resort to rebellious behavior.
23. Don’t lose hope
Know that behavioral changes don’t happen or go away in one night. They take time to break, so don’t lose hope. Patience and consistency are key. With time and by following the tips mentioned in this post, you’ll gradually see the results.
24. Ask for help
At any point in time, do not hesitate to ask for help from your support system. Talk to a friend over coffee or your mother on the phone, and soon you’ll feel less burdened. Put your feelings out there and be open to feedback.
While the tips mentioned in the article will help you manage your child’s unruly behavior, change is a slow process and takes time. So, don’t expect it to take place overnight. Have patience and keep at it. In due course, things will work out.
2. Adolescent Development; The National Academics of Sciences Engineering Medicine
3. Rebel With A Cause: Rebellion In Adolescence; CommonLit
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