How To Tell Your Husband You Want A Divorce

How To Tell Your Husband You Want A Divorce

Image: iStock

You have so much to say when you are in love. Indulging in sweet-nothings, talking about future, and sharing some anecdotes … life seems beautiful. But if love ends, so does everything. You fall short of words, and you do not have anything to talk or share with your husband. The relationship becomes so suffocating that you want to come out of it as soon as possible. But is it easy to communicate your feelings to your husband? How to tell your husband that you want a divorce?

MomJunction helps you do that unpleasant thing as we tell you how to prepare yourself for the divorce, make your husband cooperate with you and end the relationship peacefully.

How To Prepare Yourself To Divorce Your Husband

You have put in a lot of effort into your marriage, but it didn’t work for you. You want to come out of it and explore your future. But before you talk to your husband about divorce, you need to prepare yourself. Here are some tips to help you:

  1. Cross-check your intentions: First thing you can do is to make sure that you are in no way emotionally attached to your partner. Then, introspect and check:
    the intention of a divorce

if you have any hopes such as to change your partner’s behavior, make him know your importance, etc. These indicate that you are not prepared for divorce

if you want a divorce for sure or you merely want to threaten him because people who frequently threaten about divorce are not taken seriously

  1. Handle your emotional loss: Divorce is emotionally overwhelming. So, learn to deal with your emotional loss. Take support from friends and family so that you are in a position to handle other things.
  1. Do your research: Be informed about the legal proceedings, the process of divorce, and other legal requirements.
  1. Talk to your lawyer: If you feel you can’t argue your case, get an efficient lawyer who can take up the case on your behalf. They can guide you on the legal proceedings and prepare you for the negotiations.
  1. Put your finances together: Make a list of your financial assets and loans. If you can agree on the division of your finances with your husband, then it’s great. Else, you will have to take the help of your lawyer to get what you rightfully should.
  1. Plan for your finances post-divorce: Divorce can bring financial insecurity, especially if you are not working. So, it is important to plan your finances. You need to decide whether you need a monthly alimony or a one-time settlement from your husband. Whatever the case, organize yourself financially so that you are not stressed out later.
  1. Take responsibility: You are the one who needs a divorce, so you need to take responsibility and participate actively in all the legal dealings. Take charge of the situation and be prepared to make the right decisions.

Once you prepare yourself, it is time to break the news to your husband.

Back to top

[ Read: Devastating Reasons For Divorce ]

How To Tell Your Husband You Want A Divorce?

Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. Your husband might have already got a hint of your state of mind. Now it is time for you to put it in words.

  1. Prepare what you are going to tell: Prepare in advance on what you want to tell and also be prepared for the likely reactions you can get from your husband. Avoid statements that raise hope in your husband if you are serious about getting a divorce. Do not mislead him to think that there is still hope. Choose your words in such a way that they are soft yet firm.
  1. Be kind and compassionate: Do not be harsh. Discussing divorce is a sensitive issue, so be gentle when you talk to your husband. Also, respect him so that the separation becomes less difficult. However, this cannot be applicable if the reason for the divorce is domestic violence or your husband’s infidelity or some other negative experiences.
  1. Choose an appropriate and quiet time to talk: This is a serious conversation, so don’t let anyone interrupt you both. Choose a time when your kids are not at home, put away your mobile phone, and select a quiet place to talk to your partner.
  1. Have a third person around if you feel unsafe: If you are in an abusive relationship, it’s better to have a third person around you so that your partner
    will not dare attack you.
  1. Get a restraining order if you are worried about your safety: If your safety is threatened, consult a lawyer and get a protection order to stay separately until you are legally separated.
  1. Be straightforward and calm: This is hard to do but will help you. Stay calm and be direct in your talk instead of beating around the bush.
  1. Use neutral language: Keep your language neutral. Refrain from playing the blame game and using abusive language. Be balanced when you are explaining the reason for your decision.
  1. Be prepared for the reaction: If the news of divorce comes as a total shock to your husband, then he might get defensive and react aggressively. Prepare on how you want to react to his responses. Staying calm and gathering your thoughts with a cool mind can help you get through the situation.
  1. See your husband’s perspective: Don’t force your decision on your partner. If the decision is mutual, then it’s fine, but if it’s one-sided, then consider his opinion and ask what is that he wants from your relationship.

[ Read: Negative Effects Of Divorce On Children ]

  1. Be prepared to address trial separation proposal: If your partner is not ready for the separation, he might suggest for a trial separation. But, if you know that it’s not going to help improve the situation, then you need to stick to your decision.
  1. Avoid discussing the divorce details: You are only telling the news of the divorce. At this point, you don’t have to discuss the in-depth details regarding the division of finances and custody of children.
  1. Maintain distance: It’s important that you maintain distance emotionally and physically. Otherwise, it might give your husband the impression that you are willing to work it out.
  1. Give time to digest the information: Your decision could come as a shock to your husband, and you might be hurting him by talking about divorce. Give him time to recover, and think about the change from his side.
  1. Discuss telling the news to children: When children are involved, the process is more painful. However, you need to discuss with your husband on how you want to break the news to children. You need to be on the same page and agree on all things to help your children cope with the divorce.
  1. Keep your children away from your husband if he is abusive: Needless to say, if your partner is abusive, you need to protect your children and keep them away from him.

You have told your husband you want a divorce, but he takes it easy or doesn’t cooperate, then what?  That can make things worse.

Back to top

[ Read: Signs Your Marriage Is Over ]

How To Get Your Husband Cooperate When He Doesn’t Want A Divorce

The fact is that you don’t need your husband’s permission to file for a divorce. But things could turn ugly. So, here is how you can face the situation:

  • Keep the lines of communication open. Your intention should be to be open and honest. Talking frankly can help your husband accept the reality. Understand his standpoint, and empathize with him.
  • Don’t shut him off completely. That can make him feel isolated and get defensive.
  • Understand why your husband doesn’t want a divorce. This will help you give a point-by-point response to his objections.
  • Seek professional help. If your cajoling doesn’t seem to work, ask your lawyer to talk to your husband on your behalf. Your husband will understand that you are serious about the divorce. Also, the lawyer will make things clear on several matters.

Try your 100% to close the relationship peacefully.

Back to top

How To Divorce Peacefully?

They say, “Choose peace over war.”

When divorce is inevitable, it is wiser to part ways peacefully than to harbor hatred and animosity. It’s hard to believe that divorce can be peaceful because the very relationship you invested in is now collapsing. However, being peaceful is good for you.

  1.  Put your kids’ needs first: Weave your terms of divorce around your children’s needs. This way, your husband will agree to the terms as children are of primary importance to both of you.
  1. Don’t carry your baggage of the past: Let bygones be bygones. Carrying the weight of your hurt will burden you. It will not allow you to be on good terms with your husband.
  1. Let go and forgive: Letting go and forgiving is the key to having a peaceful divorce. It relieves you of the pain and helps you move on.
  1. Be fair in your terms: Think from your husband’s perspective and be fair in your terms. He will cooperate and appreciate you for being so.
  1. Discuss your finances: If both of you can discuss how you want to divide the finances, you can save a lot of trouble without having the court to interfere in your financial settlement.
  1. Decide on children’s custody: Decide on the custody of your children and agree to the terms and conditions regarding your kids’ visitations, their vacation time, school events, etc.
  1. Leave your ego behind: Ego is a stumbling block in the process of divorce. Just put it aside and be straight and practical with your husband.
  1. Avoid bitterness and animosity: Divorce sure brings to surface all your negative emotions, but make a conscious effort to avoid anger and hatred. If you get angry, it’s only going to make things difficult for you.
  1. Don’t keep scores: This is not the time to keep a check on who would take better care of the kids, or who is prolonging the case, or who is being nice and who is being nasty.
  1. React positively: It’s easy to react negatively when it comes to the division of finances and sharing time with children. But that doesn’t solve the problem. Take a timeout, stay calm, and choose to talk constructively and positively.
  1. Keep yourself away from all aspects of the broken relationship: Broken hearts take time to heal, but they will surely heal. Just keep a distance from everything that reminds you of your past relationship.

Back to top

[ Read: Difference Between Legal Separation And Divorce ]

Divorce can never give you peace until you are done with the process, and move ahead in your life. What you can do is make it less painful for everybody involved in it – you, your husband and children. You and your partner need to work jointly to make sure that the episode is less traumatic for your children, lest it has a lasting effect on them.

Have an experience to share? Let us know in the comment section.

Recommended Articles:

Was this information helpful?

Comments are moderated by MomJunction editorial team to remove any personal, abusive, promotional, provocative or irrelevant observations. We may also remove the hyperlinks within comments.