How To Tell Your Husband You Want A Divorce

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You have so much to say when you are in love. Love inspires you to indulge in sweet-nothings, talk about your future together, share random anecdotes, and so much more. Life is beautiful when you are in love. However, if that love ends, it can feel as if everything else has ended as well. You notice yourself falling short of words and having less toshare with your husband. The relationship becomes so suffocating that you want to come out of it as soon as possible, but how do you communicate your feelings to your husband? How do you tell your husband that you are out of love and want a divorce?

MomJunction helps you prepare yourself for the unpleasant process of discussing and initiating divorce with steps that help motivateyour husband to cooperate with you and end the relationship peacefully.

How To Prepare Yourself To Divorce Your Husband

You have put in a lot of effort into your marriage, but it didn’t work for you. You want to come out of it and explore your future, however, you need to prepare yourself before you talk to your husband about divorce. Here are some tips to help you:

1. Cross-check your intentions: Check in with yourself about why you want this divorce. Next, ask yourself whether you are still attached to your husband emotionally. If you still have hopes  to change your partner’s behavior, this indicates that you are not prepared for divorce and it is important that you express your hopes and needs to him. Furthermore, do not use divorce as a threat to get him to respond to your needs given it will make him feel attacked and he will no longer take your threats or needs seriously. It is important to communicate calmly and effectively whether you are mending or ending your relationship.

2. Find ways to grieve and cope with your emotional loss: Divorce is emotionally overwhelming, thus, it is important to learn to deal with your emotional loss. Seek support from friends,family, or mental health professionals so that you are able to receive additional support while transitioning and learning to  handle new aspects of your life post-divorce.

3. Do your research: Staying informed allows you to have control over the process and your life. Thus, learn about the different impacts-personal, professional, and legal-that this may have on your life. Legally, you may need to learn about the process of divorce, requirements expected of you and your spouse, or custody requirements if you have children. 

4. Talk to your lawyer: If you feel that you can’t argue your case, get an efficient lawyer who can take up the case on your behalf. They can guide you on the legal proceedings and prepare you for the negotiations.

5. Put your finances together: Make a list of your financial assets and loans. If you can agree on the division of your finances with your husband, that’s wonderful. If not, you will have to seek help from your lawyer to negotiate what you rightfully should receive.

6. Plan for your finances post-divorce: Divorce can bring financial insecurity, especially if you are not working. Therefore, it is important to create a financial plan and budget. You need to decide whether you need a monthly alimony or a one-time settlement from your husband. Whatever the case, organize yourself financially so that you are less stressed during this transition.

7. Take responsibility: You are the one who needs a divorce, so you need to take responsibility for your choice and participate actively in all the legal dealings. Take charge of the situation and be prepared to make the right decisions for you and your family.

Once you prepare yourself, it is time to break the news to your husband.

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[ Read: Devastating Reasons For Divorce ]

How To Tell Your Husband You Want A Divorce?

Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. Your husband might have already gotten a hint of your state of mind. Now it is time for you to put it into words.

  1. Prepare what you are going to tell him: Prepare in advance what you want to tell your husband and be prepared for his reactions to you ending the marriage. Avoid misleading statements that may raise hope in your husband if you are serious about getting a divorce. More steps on how to prepare your message are listed below.
  1. Choose an appropriate and quiet time to talk: This is a serious conversation, so don’t let anyone interrupt you both. Choose a time when your kids are not at home, put away your mobile phone, and select a quiet place to talk to your partner.
  1. Be kind and compassionate: Do not be harsh. Discussing divorce is a sensitive topic, so be gentle when you talk to your husband. Additionally, it is important to stay respectful in your process so that the separation is less difficult. However, this is not applicable if the reason for the divorce is domestic violence, infidelity, or other negative/abusive experiences.
  1. Be straightforward and calm: This is hard to do but will help you. Staying calm allows you to communicate your message more effectively. Additionally, be direct in your delivery instead of beating around the bush. It is most important to be honest, soft yet firm, clear, concise, and direct to prevent any miscommunication.
  1. Use neutral language: Keep your language neutral. Refrain from playing the blame game and using abusive language. Be balanced when you are explaining the reason for your decision. Taking slow and controlled breaths (inhalation through the nose and exhalation through the mouth) before and during the conversation will help you stay regulated.
  1. Give time to digest the information: Your decision could come as a shock to your husband, and you might be hurting him by talking about divorce. Give him time to process, recover, and think about the change from his side.
  1. Be prepared for the reaction: If the news of divorce comes as a total shock to your husband, then he might get defensive and react aggressively. Prepare on how you want to react to his responses. Staying calm and gathering your thoughts with a cool mind can help you get through his reactions.
  1. Consider your husband’s perspective: Don’t force your decision on your partner. If the decision is mutual, but if it’s one-sided, then consider his opinion and ask what he wants from your relationship.
  1. Maintain distance: It’s important that you maintain distance emotionally and physically. Otherwise, it might give your husband the impression that you are willing to work it out.
  1. Avoid discussing the divorce details: You are only telling the news of the divorce. At this point, you don’t have to discuss the in-depth details regarding the division of finances and custody of children. However, you may need to discuss telling the children.
  1. Discuss telling the news to children: When children are involved, the process is more painful. However, you need to discuss with your husband on how you want to break the news to children. You need to be on the same page and agree on all things to help your children cope with the divorce.
  1. Be prepared to address trial separation proposal: If your partner is not ready for the separation, he might suggest for a trial separation. But, if you know that it’s not going to help improve the situation, then you need to stick to your decision.
  1. If you feel unsafe or are a victim of abuse: Be sure to seek out support from a mental health professional and/or a lawyer throughout the legal proceedings. When having this conversation with your husband, do it in a professional, legal setting and have your lawyer and any trusted family members with you so that there is no prospect of him attacking you. Your safety is the most important part of this process.
  1. Get a restraining order if you are worried about your safety: If your safety is threatened, consult a lawyer and get a protection order to stay separately until you are legally separated.
  1. Keep your children away from your husband if he is abusive: Needless to say, if your partner is abusive, you need to protect your children and keep them away from him.

You have told your husband you want a divorce, but he takes it easy or doesn’t cooperate, then what?  That can make things worse.

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[ Read: Signs Your Marriage Is Over ]

How To Get Your Husband Cooperate When He Doesn’t Want A Divorce

The fact is that you don’t need your husband’s permission to file for a divorce. but things could turn ugly. Here is how you can face the situation:

  • Keep the lines of communication transparent. Your intention should be to be open and honest. Talking frankly can help your husband accept the reality and avoid confusion. Understand his standpoint and empathize with him.
  • Don’t shut him off completely. That can make him feel isolated and get defensive. You don’t want him to dismiss your concerns, so don’t dismiss him.
  • Understand why your husband doesn’t want a divorce. This will help you give a point-by-point response to his objections.
  • Seek professional help. If your cajoling doesn’t seem to work, ask your lawyer to talk to your husband on your behalf. Your husband will understand that you are serious about the divorce. Also, the lawyer will make things clear on several matters, understands more about the legal process than either of you, and will document all proceedings⏤including any misbehavior on your husband’s part.

Try your 100% to close the relationship peacefully.

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How To Divorce Peacefully?

They say, “Choose peace over war.”

When divorce is inevitable, it is wiser to part ways peacefully than to harbor hatred and animosity. It’s hard to believe that divorce can be peaceful because the very relationship you invested in is now collapsing. However, being peaceful is good for your mental health and this process. Here are some tips on how to make your divorce process as peaceful as possible:

  1.  Put your kids’ needs first: Weave your terms of divorce around your children’s needs. This way, your husband will agree to the terms as children are of primary importance to both of you.
  1. Don’t carry your baggage from the past: Let bygones be bygones. Carrying the weight of your hurt will burden you. It will not allow you to be on good terms with your husband.
  1. Let go and forgive: Just as you are letting the marriage go, allow the negative components of the marriage go as well. Letting go and forgiving is the key to having a peaceful divorce. It relieves you of the pain and helps you move on.
  1. Be fair in your terms: Think from your husband’s perspective and be fair in your terms. He will cooperate and appreciate you for being so.
  1. Discuss your finances: If both of you can discuss how you want to divide the finances, you can save a lot of trouble without having the court to interfere in your financial settlement.
  1. Decide on children’s custody: Decide on the custody of your children and agree to the terms and conditions regarding your kids’ visitations, their vacation time, school events, etc.
  1. Leave your ego behind: Ego is a stumbling block in the process of divorce. Just put it aside and be straight and practical with your husband.
  1. Avoid bitterness and animosity: Divorce sure brings to surface all your negative emotions, but make a conscious effort to avoid anger and hatred. If you get angry, it’s only going to make things difficult for you.
  1. Don’t keep scores: This is not the time to keep a check on who would take better care of the kids, or who is prolonging the case, or who is being nice and who is being nasty.
  1. React positively: It’s easy to react negatively when it comes to the division of finances and sharing time with children. But that doesn’t solve the problem. Take a timeout, stay calm, and choose to talk constructively and positively.
  1. Be fair in your terms: Think from your husband’s perspective and be fair in your terms. He is more likely to will cooperate, and appreciate you, and consider your terms if you are also considerate of himfor being so.
  1. Discuss your finances: If both of you can discuss how you want to divide the finances, you can save a lot of trouble and money without having the court to interfere in your financial settlement.
  1. Decide on children’s custody: Decide on the custody of your children and agree to the terms and conditions regarding your kids’ visitations, their vacation time, school events, etc. Remember, divorce does not mean your husband should not have visitations unless anr risk of abuse is involved. If risk is involved, allow the legal system to handle custody.
  1. Keep yourself away from all aspects of the broken relationship: Broken hearts take time to heal, but they will surely heal. Just keep a distance from everything that reminds you of your past relationship.

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[ Read: Difference Between Legal Separation And Divorce ]

Divorce can never give you peace until you are done with the process and move ahead in your life. What you can do is make it less painful for everybody involved in it-you, your husband and children. You and your partner need to work jointly to make sure that the episode is less traumatic for your children, lest it has a lasting effect on them.

Have an experience to share? Let us know in the comment section.

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