400+ Funniest Husband And Wife Jokes That Are A Laugh Riot

It takes a great deal of effort to make a marriage work successfully. And one of the most important elements of marriage is having fun. This post on husband and wife jokes can help you add some amusement and spice to your marriage. If both the husband and wife do not mind cracking jokes at their expense, keep reading.

These jokes are not meant to hurt anyone’s emotions or feelings, nor do we aim to demean, inappropriately tease or ridicule the husband or the wife.. We also do not endorse gender typification. Instead, these jokes are witty, humorous and make troublesome situations for married couples feel lighter, as they engage in bouts of laughter or guffaw upon hearing these jokes. Read on for laughter inducers compiled in this post as an attempt to spark joy and mirth in your married life.

In This Article

Husband And Wife Jokes

  1. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
The wife is always right

Image: IStock

  1. When did you get to know your spouse? Sadly, a week or two after the wedding.
  1. Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.
    Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!
    Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
  1. I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
  1. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me now.
  1. Mom, what does the stork do once he has fed the baby? He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps, and farts.
  1. A man approached a very beautiful woman in a supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?””Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked, puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
protip_icon Do remember
When you joke on your wife, ensure that it does not touch raw nerve. For instance, is she is insecure of her appearance, then do not joke about how funny or weird she looks.
  1. “What the hell! Are you insane?!” “What? Why? I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!” “Yes, Roger, but that was my mother!”
  1. A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
  1. She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
    He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
    She: “True, but I do.”
  1. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
  1. Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
    Wife: The table was too heavy.
  1. Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.
  1. Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you.
    Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them!
  1. A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was happening until his wife spoke to him.
    Wife: Why is your face all bloody?
    Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up, so I kept falling on my face!
    Wife: Idiot, you left your wheelchair at the bar!
  1. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and they don’t work half the time!
  1. I felt incomplete until I married you. Now I’m finished.
  1. Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    The love of your life!
    Liar, you know chocolate can’t speak.
  1. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
  1. Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
    Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
    Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
    Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it
  1. Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
  1. Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, “My wife is an angel.” The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still alive.”
  1. When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere. But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.
  1. My husband cooks for me like I’m a god — by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
  1. Marriage Tip: Your wife won’t start an argument with you when you’re cleaning, just as you wouldn’t when she is cooking your favorite meal.
  1. How was the word “Wife” coined? They took the first two and the last two letters of “Wildlife”!
  1. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
  1. Well, 90% of married life consists of yelling “what?” from other rooms.
  1. I bought my wife a mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, the ring turns blue. But when she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.
  1. What should you give a man who has everything? A wife. She will tell him how everything works.
  1. Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.
  1. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
protip_icon Do remember
If your spouse is fine with it, then you can crack jokes on them around your close family and friends but avoid joking in front of their office colleagues. They probably may not take it that well.
  1. Q: If love is “grand,” what is divorce? A: A hundred grand, or more.
  1. Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant.
    Husband: Hi, Pregnant! I’m dad.
    Wife: No, you’re not.’
  1. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
  1. Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.
  1. My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
  1. I just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner,” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
  1. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
  1. Scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.
  1. Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
  1. Why does a rooster crow so early in the morning? It wants to get a word in before all the hens wake up.
  1. All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters
Marriages are happy till you live together

Image: IStock

  1. Wife: What are ten years with me?
    Husband: A second.
    Wife: What is $1,000 for me?
    Husband: A coin.
    Wife: Ok, give me a coin.
    Husband: Wait a second.
  1. A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.” The husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.” The wife texts back five minutes later, “Computer really messed up now.”
  1. You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “I can’t do both.”
  1. Wife: It’s our anniversary, darling. How do you suggest we celebrate?
    Husband: With a minute of silence?
  1. Knock, Knock!
    Who’s there?
    Honey bee!
    Honey bee who?
    Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!
  1. We both said “I do,” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.
  1. Wife starts with a “W”
    Because all questions start with a “W”
    Who?
    Why?
    What?
    When?
    Which?
    Whom?
    Where?
  1. Wife: “How would you describe me?”
    Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
    Wife: “What does that stand for?”
    Husband: “Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H).”
    Wife: “Aw, thank you! But what about IJK?”
    Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
  1. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
protip_icon Do remember
Avoid making taking a jibe at your spouse through a joke. Joke to lighten the moment and have some fun with your better half.
  1. Friend 1: “All my husband and I do anymore is fight.” I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
    Friend 2: “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?”
    Friend 1: “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.”
  1. If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.
  1. Optimist (Noun): A man who leaves the engine running when his wife says she’s just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle of milk.
  1. Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. “Your wife must like rolls,” he said. “How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked. “Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
  1. Wedding Rings – The world’s smallest handcuffs.
  1. My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
  1. Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me do it.”
  1. After extensive research, scientists have concluded that a women’s “Whatever” means “I will never accept my mistakes or faults.”
  1. My wife is so sweet. Every day, she asks me what I want to have for dinner and then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!
  1. My husband and I had a very happy twenty years. After that, we met.
  1. Doctor: “Do you do dangerous sports?”
    Patient: Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.
  1. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.
  1. Wife: “Honey, what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?”
    Husband: “Your sense of humor.”
  1. My husband and I attended a bridal fair, trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was. “Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said. “Really?” she asked. “But you look so happy.”
  1. Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
    Einstein: “Tell me what you need. I’m here to help.”
    Wife: “I just need two things right now: some space and time.”
    Einstein: “Ok, so what’s the second thing?”
  1. A bus full of homemakers going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked, he replied miserably, “My wife missed the bus.”
  1. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  1. Husband and wife are sleeping. The wife suddenly shouts, “Quick; my husband is back!” Husband gets up at lightning speed and jumps out of the window.
  1. If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.
  1. After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
  1. I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. “Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, earlier, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.”
  1. Husband: “ILY.”
    Wife: “Can you please say the words? It makes it better.”
    Husband: “I’m leaving you.”
  1. A man in conversation with his friend. “My wife is on a three-week diet. The friend curiously asks, “How much has she lost? The man replies, “Her life.”
  1. Husband: I need space …
    Wife: Join NASA …
  1. A man put out a classified ad that read, “Wife wanted.” The next day, he received a hundred responses, all saying the same thing: “You can have mine.”
  1. A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
  1. Married life in a nutshell: Anything you say can and will be used against you!
  1. A married man’s best asset is … His ‘Lie-Ability’!
  1. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your wife!
  1. Husband: “Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
    Wife: “Because I married the wrong man!”
  1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
  1. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
    The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
  1. Stuart: “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”
    Leroy: “I’m not sure. What was her maiden name?”
  1. When a newly married woman looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
  1. At every party, there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
  1. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it, and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
  1. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
  1. A doctor advised a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she got a divorce.
  1. While solving a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help. “The word is eight letters long and starts with “M,” and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’” “Monogamy,” he answered.
  1. Husband texting a wife:
    “Hi! What are you doing, Darling?”
    Wife: I’m dying..!
    The husband jumps with joy but types, “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”
    Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair..”
    Husband: “Bloody English!”
  1. Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
  1. Why do husbands love remote controls? Because it’s the only thing they can control!
  1. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
  1. What’s the secret to a happy marriage? A selective memory.
  1. Why did the wife bring a broom to bed? Because she wanted to sweep him off his feet!
  1. How do you know your husband is thinking about golf during an argument? He tees off with “Fore!”
  1. My wife kept insisting I do macrame. Finally, I said, ‘Knot again!’
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite kind of sandwich? The one she didn’t have to make.
  1. Why do husbands always seem to be in a hurry? They’re trying to outrun their wives’ to-do lists!
  1. My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.
  1. Why did the wife put her husband’s phone in the blender? She wanted to make a call on the “smooth” operator!
  1. What do you call a man who can’t hear his wife’s nagging? Deafinitely in love.
  1. Why did the husband bring a ladder to the kitchen? He heard the recipe said to “whisk it.”
  1. Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
    Husband: Okay, but if you get back before me, leave the light on.
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite place in the house? The doghouse, because it’s the only place he’s in charge!
  1. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
  1. How do you make your wife scream after an argument? Show her the dishes you didn’t wash!
  1. Why did the husband bring a flashlight to bed? He wanted to shed some light on their relationship.
  1. What kind of institution is Marriage? One where a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
  1. Why do they call it the “mother tongue”? Because the man never gets to put a word in.
  1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.
  1. How do you keep your husband from reading your messages? Rename them “Instruction Manuals.”
  1. I bought my wife a mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, the ring turns blue. But when she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot on my forehead.
  1. Why do husbands make terrible detectives? Because they always jump to conclusions!
  1. What four words are guaranteed to depress a husband anytime, anywhere? ‘Hold my purse, honey.’
  1. What’s a wife’s secret weapon in an argument? Sarcasm.
  1. My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that. I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!
  1. Wife: Honey, do you want dinner?
    Husband: Sure, babe, what are my options?
    Wife: Yes and no.
  1. Why did the husband bring a pillow to bed? He needed a soft landing after making a mistake.
  1. What’s the difference between a wife and a GPS? The GPS at least admits when it’s wrong.
  1. Why do husbands always forget birthdays and anniversaries? Because they’re busy remembering the important stuff, like sports stats!
  1. A man always accompanies his wife to the train station when she leaves. What other way to make sure she’s actually gone?
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite type of flower? “Forgive and Forget-me-not.”
  1. Why did the husband bring a magnifying glass to the kitchen? He wanted to make sure his wife’s instructions were crystal clear.
  1. My darling wife and I often exchange our views and opinions. I come with my own and leave with hers.
  1. Wife: “Honey, can I go out in this dress?”
    Husband: “Yes, sweetheart, it’s already dark out.”
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite snack? “I’m sorry” chocolates.
  1. If it’s true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
  1. How do you get your husband to do the dishes? Ask him to find a lost wedding ring!
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite type of movie? Anything that doesn’t involve watching sports.
  1. Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women?
    Because when it’s time to return to one’s childhood, the man is already there.
  1. Love is a long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite type of dessert? Anything with an apology frosting.
  1. Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
    Friend: Why not?
    Man: I don’t like to interrupt her.
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite type of vacation? Anywhere without Wi-Fi, so her husband can’t work.
  1. Dear Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you discuss with your wife, always get the last two words right: “Yes, dear.”
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite type of car? One with a “Yes, dear” mode.
  1. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
  1. How do you make your wife smile? Tell her you’ll do the grocery shopping.
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite weather type? That cancels her husband’s golf game.
  1. When a wife says “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Instead, stand still and do not even blink.
  1. Why did the husband buy his wife a GPS device? So she can never say he doesn’t know where he’s going in life.
  1. Why is it impossible to please women? Because even at your wedding, you are not the best man.
  1. What is the secret to a happy marriage? A remote control with a mute button!
  1. A husband should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  1. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
  1. Fortune teller: “So, you want to know your husband’s future?”
    Wife: Actually, no. You just tell me about his past, and I’ll decide his future!!”

Husband Wife Romantic Jokes

  1. I got all dewy-eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been searching for the expiry date.
  1. My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, she’s already growing forgetful.
  1. One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up, and you can do anything you want.” she purred. So, he tied her up and went golfing.
  1. She was weeping. He sat down by her. He gently wiped away her tears. Unfortunately, half her eyebrows disappeared with them.
  1. Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
    Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
Love with her forever, husband and wife jokes

Image: IStock

  1. I’ve been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
  1. Make love, not war, and If you want both, get married.
  1. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. —Ann Bancroft
  1. When the man feels bad, he’s looking for his wife. When the man feels good, his wife is looking for him!
  1. I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.
  1. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  1. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t grand, but the reception was excellent.
  1. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” —Cindy Garner
  1. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
  1. I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.”
  1. A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”
  1. My husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, “Mmm … that Vicks smells good.”
  1. I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!”
  1. I turned to my father one night and said, “It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?” He replied, “I can’t drive.”
  1. My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read, “The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!”
  1. I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. “See anything you like?” I asked suggestively.
    “Yeah,” she said. “You doing housework.”
  1. When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband smiles sweetly, nods my way, and explains, “We both love me.”
  1. My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said. He did as instructed and while doing so, muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”
  1. One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too.
  1. I just bought my hubby a “get better soon” card. He is not sick…I just think he can be better.
  1. Wife: “Where the hell are you?”
    Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said, “Baby, it’ll be yours one day”?
    Wife (smiling and blushing): “Yeah, I remember that, my love!”
    Husband: “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”
  1. Why did the husband buy a ladder for his wife? Because he wanted to take their relationship to the next level!
  1. Wife: “Darling, do we have a date for Valentine’s Day?
    Husband: “Yes, babe. It’s February 14th.”
  1. Husband: “Do you like beaches, sweetheart?”
    Wife: “Yes, darling. The scenic views at the beach make me quite speechless!”
    Husband: “Excellent, we’re staying three weeks there.”
  1. What do you call a wife who can balance a checkbook? A miracle worker!
  1. Wife: “Darling, you never listen to me.”
    Husband: “Excuse me, what did you just say?”
  1. Wife: “Why are you watching cooking shows if you can’t cook?”
    Husband: “Well, you watch romantic movies, don’t you?”
  1. How does a husband show his love to his wife? He takes out the trash without being asked!
  1. “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” — Anne Taylor Fleming
  1. Wife: “Darling, why don’t you ever say ‘I love you’?”
    Husband: “I do, babe. When I say, ‘I’m hungry,’ it means the same thing.”
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite style of dance? The “two-step” – step one: apologize, step two: admit you’re wrong.
  1. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
  1. Why did the wife give her husband a calendar for their anniversary? Because she wanted to remind him of the date!
  1. Why did the husband call his wife “the love of his life”? Because she let him watch the game in peace.
  1. How do you keep the romance alive after getting married? Hide your spouse’s reading glasses, and wait for the sweet “You’re my hero!” when they find them.
  1. Why did the husband give his wife a bouquet of batteries? Because she’s his constant source of energy.
  1. A happy marriage is based on give and take, the husband gives and the wife takes.
  1. What do you call the husband and wife bird in love? Tweet-hearts!
  1. Wife: “Do you love me more than your video game?”
    Husband: “Of course, honey! Let me finish this level, and I’ll get back to you.”
  1. What did the wife say when her husband asked if she wanted to go on a romantic drive? “Sure, but only if you promise not to ask for directions!”
  1. Why did the husband serenade his wife with a guitar? Because he wanted to string her along.
  1. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Olive.
    Olive who?
    Olive you so much!
  1. Why did the wife bring a net to bed? Because she wanted to catch her husband’s dreams.
  1. What did the husband say when his wife asked if he loved her more than football? “Of course, dear, but you know the season hasn’t started yet!”
  1. Husband: “Why did you fall in love with me?”
    Wife: “Because you gave me the WiFi password.”
    Husband: “So, it was love at first site!”
  1. What is the secret to a long and happy marriage? Remembering your anniversary but forgetting how many years you’ve been married.
  1. Why did the husband buy his wife a new vacuum cleaner? Because he wanted to sweep her off her feet all over again.
  1. Why did the husband bring a map to their romantic getaway? Because he didn’t want to get lost in her eyes.
  1. Why did the wife bring a fishing rod to their picnic? She wanted to catch her husband’s attention.
  1. How do husbands and wives stay cool during an argument? They use their “marital fans” to blow off steam.
  1. Why did the husband give his wife a watermelon? Because he wanted to say, “You’re one in a melon!”
  1. Why did the wife bring a magnifying glass to bed? She wanted to get a closer look at her husband’s love.
  1. What did the husband say when his wife asked if he’d still love her when they’re old and gray? “I’ve loved you through all your hair colors; gray will just be another adventure!”
  1. Why did the husband bring a fire extinguisher to their romantic dinner? Because things were getting too hot to handle!
  1. What did the wife say when her husband asked if she believed in soulmates? “Of course, dear, you’re my sole mate.”
  1. Why did the husband bring a shovel to their date night? Because he wanted to dig deeper into their love.
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite kind of movie? A romantic comedy, as long as there’s a remote nearby.
  1. Wife: “I love you.”
    Husband: “Is that you talking or the wine?”
    Wife: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
  1. What would you call it if a clown delivers flowers to his wife? A romantic jester.
  1. Why did the wife bring a thermos to their picnic? Because she wanted to keep the passion in their relationship hot.
  1. What did the husband say when his wife asked if he’d still love her if she forgot their anniversary? “Of course, dear, I’ll just remind you every day until you remember!”
  1. Wife: “Darling, what will you give me for our 20th anniversary?
    Husband: “A trip to Bangkok?”
    Wife: “Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 30th anniversary?”
    Husband: :I’ll pick you up again, babe!”

Husband Wife Fight Jokes

Wife and husband jokes on fights

Image: IStock

  1. My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
  1. When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple ‘calm down’ in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
  1. Marital counselor: So, what brings you here today?
    Woman: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.
    Husband: My truck.
  1. My spouse’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
  1. My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice.
  1. My spouse calls me crazy, but who’s the one who married me? Who’s the crazy one now?
  1. I thought my wife was joking when she said she was going to leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a believer,” but then I saw her face.
  1. In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.
  1. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She embraced me.
  1. A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Perform the damn autopsy!
  1. One easy step to lose an argument with a wife — Argue.
  1. My wife said she needed more space. I said, “No problem” and locked her out of the house.
  1. After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
  1. I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for ten hours.
  1. “If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest … I cannot express how much I would miss you.”
  1. Wife: “Undress me using your words only. I dare you.”
    Husband: “There’s a huge spider on your bra.”
  1. Terrorism strikes no fear in my heart. I have been married for years.
  1. I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
  1. Wife: “You know what? I refuse to talk about this anymore!” Wife ten seconds later: “And you know what else?”
  1. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
  1. Arguing with your husband is fun. Even if he wins, he loses.
  1. A man was sitting in a restaurant and crying.
    Waiter: “What happened, mate?”
    Man: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
    Waiter: “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
    Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today, that month is over.”
  1. My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status, “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.
  1. I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
  1. The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.
    Husband to wife: “I swear I didn’t do it.”
    Wife: “I know. I did it.”
  1. Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
  1. A man comes home and sees a note from his wife on the fridge. She wrote, “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, “What the hell? The fridge is working fine!”
  1. Husband (angrily): Why did it take so long for you to answer my call?
    Wife (irritated): I was dancing on the ringtone.
  1. Doctor: How is your wife feeling today?
    Man: She is okay now, doctor…coz she fought with me in the morning.
  1. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I ordered strip steak, medium-rare. He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself” I said. And that’s when the fight started.
  1. Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us away from fighting with strangers and neighbors!
  1. After ten years of marriage, my wife apologized for the first time in front of me today. She said she was sorry she married me.
  1. A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s cooking show!
    Husband: STOP WATCHING THAT SHOW!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!
    Wife: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN, DON’T YOU?!!!
  1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
  1. My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!” I replied, “That’s 15 love!”
  1. Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way, she can’t hit me with them.
  1. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
  1. Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch, all I want to know is what I did wrong.
  1. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.
  1. Secret formula for married couples …
    “Love One Another”
    And if it doesn’t work, bring the last word in the middle!!!!
  1. Why did the husband bring a ladder to the argument? He wanted to reach a compromise!
  1. What do you call a wife who always wins arguments? Miss-tress!
  1. Arguing with your spouse is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use. In the end, you just give up and go “I agree.”
  1. Why did the wife bring a GPS to the fight? She wanted to navigate her husband’s excuses!
  1. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller
  1. What’s a husband’s secret weapon during a fight? The ability to say, “Yes, dear.”
  1. The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight and it’s still not over.
  1. What do you call a husband who can’t remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary? Single!
  1. Why don’t husbands ever win arguments? Because they’re always “outnumbered”!
  1. Wife: “I was a fool when I married you.”
    Husband: “Yes, honey, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
  1. My wife and I fought over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So, our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week. You know, “roll reversal.”
  1. Whenever my wife and I fight, I watch my wedding video in reverse. I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad, and walk out of the chapel with my best mate.
  1. Why did the wife bring a magnifying glass to the argument? To find her husband’s listening skills!
  1. What’s a husband’s strategy during an argument? Nod and hope for the best!
  1. How do you make a wife happy after a fight? Apologize and admit she was right all along!
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite workout during an argument? Emotional weightlifting!
  1. Why did the wife cross the road during an argument with her husband? To get to the other side of the point!
  1. I was fighting with my wife over the dining room furniture arrangement. I thought I had won, but the tables were turned when I got home from work.
  1. What do you call a wife who always wins at chess? The queen of compromise!
  1. How do you know when a husband is in trouble during a fight? He starts offering to do chores!
  1. Why did the wife bring a scoreboard to the argument? To keep track of how many times she was right!
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite board game during an argument? Sorry!
  1. Why don’t husbands play hide and seek during arguments? Because they always end up hiding in the doghouse!
  1. How do you make a husband listen during an argument? Start the sentence with “I heard this on a podcast…”
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite music type during an argument? Heavy “grievance” metal!
  1. Why did the husband bring a stopwatch to the argument? He wanted to see how long it would take for him to say something wrong!
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite dance move during an argument? The sidestep!
  1. My dentist friend just divorced his wife, who is a manicurist. All they did was fight tooth and nail.
  1. How do you settle a disagreement about which TV show to watch? Rock, paper, scissors, remote control!
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite kind of pizza during an argument? “Pepper-own-y”!
  1. Why don’t wives ever tell their husbands the password to the Wi-Fi during a fight? Because love is blind, but the Wi-Fi shouldn’t be!
  1. Wife: “Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.”
    Husband: “Exactly, darling! It’s a computer, not a husband!!”
  1. What do you call a wife who always remembers the past mistakes? A historian!
  1. How do you know a husband is about to apologize? He starts speaking in cursive!
  1. My wife says I have two faults. I have a bad memory, and something else.”
  1. Why did the wife bring a camera to the fight? She wanted to capture the moment when she proved her point!
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite dessert during an argument? A humble pie!
  1. After 60 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma “darling”, “sweetie”, “honey”, and “baby”. I asked him for the secret to keep love alive for so long. He said “I forgot her name 10 years ago, and I’m afraid to ask.”
  1. Why don’t husbands play cards during arguments? Because they can’t deal with the pressure!
  1. What do you call a husband who can’t find his socks during a fight? Sock-sessful!
  1. Why did the wife bring a telescope to the argument? She wanted to see her husband’s point of view from a distance!
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite superhero during an argument? Captain Obvious!
  1. Why did the husband bring a phone charger to the fight? To recharge the conversation!
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite martial art during an argument? Judo-“mental”!
    I can remember when I got married, and I can remember where I got married. For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite book during an argument? “The Art of Listening” (which he never reads)!
  1. Why did the wife bring a bell to the fight? She wanted to ring in the changes!
  1. Why don’t husbands ever win at poker during arguments? Because wives can read their “bluffing” faces!
  1. What’s a wife’s favorite outdoor activity during an argument? Lawn-scaping!
  1. What do you call a wife who can’t stop talking during an argument? Verbose-ive!
  1. Why did the wife bring a mirror to the argument? So the husband could see who’s always right!
  1. What’s a husband’s favorite board game during an argument? “Trouble,” because he’s always in it!
  1. How do you make a wife laugh after a fight? Tell her a joke about husbands!
  1. My partner and I bought a water bed recently. Since then, we’ve drifted apart
  1. Knock, knock!
    Who’s there?
    Lettuce
    Lettuce who?
    Lettuce get married!

Husband Wife Honeymoon Jokes

Honemoon wife and husband jokes

Image: IStock

  1. Definition of honeymoon: A man’s last holiday before he starts working for a new boss!!
  1. While we were on our honeymoon, I sheepishly told my wife that I was still married to someone else. She thought that was really bigamy to admit.
  1. A man goes on his honeymoon on his new yacht.
    Husband (raising his glass: ”Here’s to happiness together.”
    Wife: “And to our new Yakt.”
    Husband: “The C is silent, honey.”
    Wife (staring into the horizon): ”Yes, it’s lovely this time of year.”
  1. Why did you go to Egypt for your honeymoon? To make the wife a mummy.
  1. Recipe for honeymoon salad: Lettuce alone without dressing.
  1. Why couldn’t the married couple wait for their honeymoon on Alderaan? It was gonna be a blast.
  1. Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan. When they returned, it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.
  1. Honeymooning on a cruise ship is great. You can finally say you’re “sailing” into married life.
  1. What’s a honeymoon without a bit of adventure? It’s the perfect time to “take the plunge.”
  1. I met an old guy. He’s been married for 60 years. I asked how do you do it? He answered, “On my honeymoon, I took my wife to France; I will return next week to pick her up.”
  1. What were the two bees doing on the moon? They had their honeymoon.
  1. For their honeymoon, Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine Went to the beach and got a Tan. When they returned home, it took them a Sec to find they needed a Cot.
  1. Honeymooning in a remote cabin? Don’t worry; it’s just a test of your survival skills as a couple.
  1. The best part of a beach honeymoon? The only thing you have to worry about is getting sand everywhere!
  1. Did you hear about the couple who went on a honeymoon to a bakery? They wanted to prove that love is a piece of cake!
  1. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
  1. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
  1. A honeymoon is the perfect time to start practicing “yes, dear” – it’ll serve you well in married life.
  1. Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first, it’s a perfect fit, but after a while, you need alterations.
  1. When a couple gets married, why is it that the woman changes her name? Because men can’t handle that much planning.
  1. What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  1. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. But after the honeymoon, you’ll be looking for a club and a spade.
  1. Husband: “I booked us the honeymoon suite, darling!”
    Wife: “Oh, that’s sweet. What’s so special about it?”
    Husband: “Well, it comes with a talking parrot.”
    Wife: “A talking parrot? How romantic!”
    Parrot (from the corner): “Are you two really sure you want to spend the rest of your lives together?”
  1. Our honeymoon destination was so remote that even the mosquitoes had to take a connecting flight!
  1. Why do honeymooners make great detectives? Because they always follow the honeymoon trail!
  1. What do you call a honeymoon in space? A “stellar” union!
  1. What do you call a honeymoon in a tent? In-tents-ly romantic!
  1. Our honeymoon was at a beach resort, and I realized I had two true loves: my spouse and sunscreen.
  1. My wife and I promised to disconnect from our devices on our honeymoon. It was the longest 15 minutes of our lives!
  1. We wanted a beach honeymoon, but the weather had other plans. It rained so much that we renamed it ‘Monsoon-ymoon!
  1. We got lost so many times during our honeymoon that we considered getting matching GPS coordinates as tattoos.
  1. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon. The captain kept saying, ‘Love is in the air,’ but I think he meant ‘on the sea.
  1. My wife and I got lost on our honeymoon so many times that we ended up making a ‘Lost & Found’ map as a souvenir!
  1. Wife: “I’m leaving you.”
    Husband in a rush: “I’m with you !!!”

Newly Married Husband Wife Jokes

  1. On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”
  1. An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.
  1. Husband: “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
    Wife: “That’s your job.”
    Husband: “Says who?”
    Wife: “The Bible. It’s on just about every page.”
    Husband: “The Bible doesn’t say anything about brewing coffee.”
    Wife (Holding her Bible, and flipping the pages): “See every page says Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
  1. What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?
    One couple is Wed Danes, and the other is Dead Waynes.
  1. A couple of newlyweds were driving down the countryside. After some time, they noticed a couple of pigs resting in a field nearby. The wife said, “Look, honey, your family! Haha”. The husband replied: “Oh my, yeah, those are my in-laws.”
  1. What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?
    Getting off on the wrong foot.
  1. Woman: My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
    Friend: What is his name?
    Woman: Frankenstein
  1. A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon cruise, and they’re unpacking their bags. The husband complains that all his clothes are wrinkled and that there’s no ironing board in the cabin. The wife replies: “Don’t worry. Everyone here’s in the same boat.”
  1. What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm? A newlywed.
  1. A pair of newlyweds are having marriage problems. They decide to meet with the Rabbi to prevent the termination of their very short relationship. The Rabbi asks the husband, “What has brought you to the point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?” The husband says, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.””Seven weeks,” the wife says.
  1. A desperate newly wedded soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:
    “Dearest Mom,
    If you pull this ring, I’ll be able to get a three-day leave.”
  1. Only after getting married, you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
  1. Husband: Hun, I have a huge problem.
    Wife: Stop saying it’s yours. We are married; it’s OUR problem now.
    Husband: I got your best friend pregnant; we are the parents!
  1. A newlywed couple was taking to their new home.
    Husband says, “How about some flowers?”
    The wife slyly mentions, “Or kids to help liven the place.”
    The husband smiles and replies, “Good idea!”
    The next day, the husband brings home orchids.
  1. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
  1. As Aristotle said, “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” But marriage is more like your wife inhabiting both bodies.
  1. Two newlyweds were discussing how many kids they will have.
    He: We will have two kids.
    She: I want three kids.
    He: No, I will have a vasectomy after the second one.
    She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own.
  1. Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
  1. Wife: Had your Lunch??
    Husband: Had your Lunch??
    Wife: I am asking you??
    Husband: I am asking you??
    Wife: You copying me??
    Husband: You copying me??
    Wife: Let’s go Shopping.
    Husband: I had my Lunch.
  1. Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
  1. Women marry because they believe that he’ll change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.
  1. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  1. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned.
  1. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure and simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
  1. On the groom’s first date with the bride, he thought he’d make an impression and promised her a seven-course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six-pack!
  1. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions!
  1. The bride deserves a wonderful, successful, loving husband. Too bad the groom married her before she found one.
  1. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.
  1. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”
  1. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  1. What should you do when your mother-in-law taps the window? Turn the furnace a little higher.
  1. That awkward moment when you realize that marital vows have robbed you of your right to a fair share of blanket.
  1. Marriage is like the army. Everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at how many re-enlist.
  1. Man: “I wear the pants in the relationship.”
    Woman: “I’m the belt that holds the pants up!”
  1. What’s the secret to a happy marriage? A sense of humor and a really good lock on the bathroom door.
  1. Why do husbands always insist on being the barbecue grill master? Because it’s the only place they can legally tell their wives to “back off!”
  1. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner
  1. Why did the wife refuse to play hide and seek with her husband? Because good luck hiding when he leaves a trail of dirty socks!
  1. How do you know when a wife is about to say something important? When she starts with, “My mother told me…”
  1. Why does a marriage proposal always sound good? Because it’s got a nice ring to it.
  1. What do you call a husband who does the laundry without being asked? An illusion.
  1. “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” — Frank Sinatra
  1. Why did the wife buy her husband a map for their anniversary? Because he still can’t find the grocery store after ten years of marriage!
  1. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
  1. Why did the husband bring a ladder to the store? Because he heard the prices were through the roof!
  1. What’s a wife’s secret weapon for getting her husband to do chores? Pretending she can’t lift heavy objects.
  1. Why did the husband surprise his wife with a trip to the beach? Because he heard relationships are all about the ebb and flow.
  1. What’s a husband’s idea of helping with the cooking? Supervising the barbecue while holding a cold beverage.
  1. How do you keep the romance alive in a marriage? Add a “Do Not Disturb” sign to your laundry room door.
  1. Why did the wife bring a magnifying glass to bed? To find her husband’s lost sense of direction.
  1. What’s the wife’s secret for a peaceful marriage? Lowering her husband’s expectations one meal at a time.
  1. Any husband who says. ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby
  1. One spelling mistake can ruin your marriage. I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a great time. I wish you were her.”
  1. Why were the melons forced into a traditional marriage? Because they canteloupe!
  1. Two nuclear technicians got married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.
  1. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” — Toni Sciarra Poynter

Frequently Asked Questions

1. How do husband and wife jokes typically reflect the dynamics of a marriage?

Humorous husband and wife jokes can reflect the dynamics of a nuptial bond by adding a touch of frivolity, laughter, and hilariousness in marriage, thereby easing tension in a light-hearted way.

2. What is the most common way husbands and wives use humor to communicate?

Positive humor can strengthen a marriage by lifting your partner’s spirits, diffusing minor disputes, and promoting a better overall mood.

3. How can husband and wife jokes help strengthen a marriage?

While jokes can be a fun way to bond, they cannot alone strengthen a marriage. It takes effort from both partners to understand, respect, spend time with, and be there for each other to build a strong and lasting relationship.

Marriage is a long-time relationship with lots of ups and downs. You need to be more of friends than serious partners to enjoy the roller coaster ride. So remember, wife and husband jokes are to be taken with a pinch of salt. If the joke is on you, try enjoying the fun side. Not every joke your spouse cracks on you reflects what they feel about you. So take them on a light note and do not feel offended by these harmless jokes. Instead, focus on sharing the chuckles and laughing your hearts out. And prepare yourself for a witty and hilarious comeback the next time.

Infographic: Husband-Wife Jokes

There could hardly be any husband-wife relationship without little arguments or squabbles. So, whether you have fought with your spouse or want to share some hysterical lines on this relationship, we bring some jokes in this infographic to share some giggles and laughter.

funny lines on husband wife relationship (infographic)

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Get high-quality PDF version by clicking below.

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