You married your husband because you were in love with him and did not want to stay away from him. But now, when you look back, you wonder, “What was I thinking?” A lot seems to have changed, and you do not feel the same for your husband. You were excited to spend a lifetime with him, but now, you cannot sit in the same room as him – it suffocates you. Well, it happens. People change, and feelings change. It happens all the time.
There will be times when you may feel cheated because the man you had dated may not seem the same person after marriage. This might lead to supposed “hatred” toward your spouse. If you are confused about dealing with these feelings, read on, as we tell you what to do when you hate your husband.
Is It Normal To Hate My Husband?
Yes, it is normal to feel like you hate your husband. It is not easy to live with another person under the same roof day in and day out. You might have married him after seeing his positive qualities, but sometimes, marriage has its way of showing you your partner’s lazy, boring, and even unhygienic sides, which can get on your nerves and make it difficult for you to tolerate him.
This can lead to arguments, which may make you feel like you have seen enough and make you jump to the conclusion that you hate your husband. Remember, bickerings and disagreements happen even in the best of relationships, and most issues can be resolved amicably if you both deal with issues maturely.
However, if something your husband says or does makes you feel extremely resentful to the extent that you know you cannot forgive him, maybe this is not the familiar feeling of hatred that most couples experience. It could be something deeper and may harm your relationship.
Why Do I Hate My Husband?
Have you ever questioned this feeling of hatred you feel for your husband? Maybe what you feel is not truly hatred but something else that you probably cannot fully fathom as yet. Or perhaps it is disappointment or hurt, which you have mistaken for hatred.
It is important to determine the reason why you feel the way you do for your husband. Reflect and identify what irks you the most about him. Is it something that he does or does not do?
Let’s say he is lethargic and does not help you with the household chores, and you need to balance work and house all on your own. He could be shirking his responsibilities that make you feel neglected, which can turn into hatred for him.
Alternatively, maybe he makes important decisions without keeping you in the loop. For instance, he might change his job without telling you about it or might invest a considerable amount of money without sharing the details with you. His behavior might make you feel unimportant in his life, which can make you bitter toward him.
It could also be that lack of intimacy that leaves you dissatisfied and make you feel frustrated with your partner. This emotion could build up and turn into hatred for him.
If you face similar problems, it could be the root cause of your anger and hatred toward your husband.
What To Do If I Hate My Husband?
If you are still here reading this, it means that you love your husband and wish to change things to make your marriage work. And you surely can do it if you are determined enough. The following are some ways that could help you tackle this situation.
1. Determine what annoys you the most about him
If you want to sort your feelings for your husband, it is important you clearly understand what makes you most angry about him. For instance, you wait for him at home while he stays out until late at night and does not inform you about his plans. When he gets home, he does not bother to talk to you about it. You do not want to nag him, so you let it pass and do not say a word, but deep down, you feel hurt by his behavior. You hate him for making you feel unimportant.
2. Sit with him and talk to him about it
Once you know the reason for your hatred, try to sort it with him. Find a day when he looks relaxed and is in the mood to talk. Tell him clearly how his behavior affects you and also how you feel he could change it. Do not approach him to make him feel guilty or to fight with him. Your intention should be to resolve the matter, so talk to him calmly and try to make him understand your feelings.
3. Tell him how things could be better for both of you
Once he has heard you out, you can explain to him how a little adjustment from his side can make a huge difference to you. For instance, if he hasn’t been telling you his whereabouts after work, ask him to drop a message informing you that he will be late so that you do not have to worry about him. Or, if he hasn’t been helping you with the household chores, you can tell him how a little cooperation from his side can help you feel less burdened.
4. Check if you are at fault
If something he said has hurt you, try to see if you did something to elicit that kind of a reaction. Allow him to give you his side of the story. Hear him out, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is hurt too, and he did not mean what he said. He cannot be at fault alone all the time. You two should talk it out and sort your differences before it gets too late for it.
5. Walk in his shoes
Try to view the situation from his angle. Perhaps each time you asked him to do something, he was busy with his work commitments and could not do what was asked of him. Or perhaps he does not inform you about his whereabouts because he fears you might get angry and pick a fight with him. There could be several reasons behind his behavior that you may not understand unless you talk to him.
6. Keep tabs on your emotions
Have you and your husband been arguing too much lately? If yes, try to note when it happened and note your state of mind during those times. Perhaps, each time you lost your temper, it was because you had a tough time at work, and you took it out on your hubby. Or maybe you most likely argued with your partner when you were feeling low and did not know how to deal with it. Check if there is a pattern to your behavior.
7. Try to accept his flaws
Try to understand that nobody is perfect – not even you. At times, he might falter even after agreeing to be more considerate of your feelings. Do not feel let down and try to see the efforts he puts into it. Even if he fails, remember the reasons why you love him in the first place. Focus on how he makes you feel happy and does little things that melt your heart. Keep reminding yourself of how his positive side is what matters to you and not his shortcomings.
8. Make an effort to stay in love
It is common for love to fizzle out in any relationship. You have to strive to keep the spark alive in your relationship. If you feel the bond between you two is weakening, take the initiative to keep the flame burning. Go on impromptu dates, plan a candlelight dinner at home, or get creative in the bedroom. Do something that you guys once loved doing or something that you have never tried as a couple. You could try doing something new each week to look forward to.
9. Take a break
If you still feel angry toward your husband despite trying everything, you two should take a break. You can spend a weekend away from him at some health spa or just go live with your family for a few days. During this break, ask yourself if you really miss him. If your answer is yes, you know this feeling of hatred is a temporary phase, and you two can find a way through it.
10. Plan an activity with him
If you feel your relationship is suffering because you two do not spend enough time together, try signing up for a class where you two could take up a fun activity as a couple. Any interesting class that requires you two to spend a stipulated amount of time every week might help fill up that distance that has been pushing you two away from each other. Just ensure that you take up an activity that you both will enjoy.
11. Spend more time together
When you two are at home, communication can be difficult as either of you might be distracted by work, digital media, or something else. You can try planning an outing together and ensure that distractions like work or phone do not come in your way. Or you can allot one day in a week when both of you put away your phones and spend time with each other engaging in light conversations or even deep, meaningful talks.
12. Talk to your trusted people about it
When you are confused and are unable to see a way out, it is time you seek out the people who love you the most. You can share your dilemma with someone you trust, such as a friend or a sibling, as they might be able to see the situation in a different light. They, too, must have gone through the same phase as you and might be able to offer a good solution to your problem. You can also take some cues from their experience of dealing with similar situations.
13. Seek professional help
If nothing seems to help change the feeling of hatred that you harbor, you can seek help from a counselor. You can opt for couple’s therapy. A good counselor or therapist can guide you to manage your feelings and differences better. They can help you address unresolved issues and tap deep, hidden emotions that probably even you weren’t aware of, and show you ways to mend your relationship.
A relationship has to be nurtured and looked after every single day so that it grows and flourishes. Remember that any ill-feeling you feel for your spouse can be overcome with love. Remind yourself of why you love him whenever the need arises, and try to be more patient and loving toward your imperfect spouse.