300+ Short And Funny Marriage Jokes You Can Relate With

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Marriage jokes are popular among married and unmarried couples. Most of these jokes are based on real-life scenarios and inspire people to look at situations zestfully.

If you plan to give a wedding speech or speak at someone’s wedding anniversary or nuptial ceremony, it will be a good idea to include some marriage jokes to amp up the fun in the celebration. Playful jokes bring more excitement and cheerfulness to the party. Moreover, the audience can connect with a humorous matrimony speech better.

Here are some hilarious jokes to include in your anniversary speech or wedding card. So, keep scrolling and pick some that tickle your funny bone.

300+ Marriage Jokes

Laughing is the best medicine, so sharing a joke or two will tickle everyone’s funny bone.

1. People always ask me how my husband and I have maintained our marriage for twenty long years. I tell them marriage is all about forgiveness, like how I have forgiven my husband for not being Dwayne the “Rock” Johnson.

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2. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
3. So, I asked my husband why he doesn’t show the same affection as our neighbor shows to his wife. He replied, “I can’t, she is a stranger.”

4. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
5. Marriage is quite similar to uninstalling all the apps on your phone, except keeping the useful one.
6. I got all sentimental when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.
7. I asked my wife why shekeeps looking at our marriage license. To that, she replied, “I wonder if there is an expiration date just like every other license.”
8. “People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. — Erma Bombeck
9. I have to start paying more attention to what my wife says. The other day I found out that we both have separate names for our cats.
10. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
11. Everyone asks me what the secret to a long, happy marriage is. To that, I reply, “I am still figuring out the secret myself.”
12. What do you call a fruit that cannot get married? A cant-elope.
13. It turns out my wife is a big BTS fan. The other day, she was listening to one of their songs called “Fire.” She was enjoying the song until I realized she also set my personal belongings on fire.
14. What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyonce.
15. If someone asks you to be their best man at their wedding, it is similar to that of jury duty.
16. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
17. My wife has given birth five times, and yet she still manages to fit in her prom dress. And here I am, who gave birth zero times yet hasn’t been able to fit into the jeans I bought two months back.
18. If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you; he will keep you all to himself.
19. The secret to the happiness of a newly married man is known but the secret to the happiness of a man who has been married for more than ten years is never known.
20. To keep your marriage brimming with love, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
21. When you marry the love of your life, it is like waking up from a sweet slumber by a blaring alarm clock that snaps you back to reality.

22. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Ruthless.
23. Being married is like going to a restaurant and ordering something, but then wishing that you had ordered what the other person has ordered.
24. At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, “Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.
25. A married couple went to a supermarket to shop for some groceries. After some time,the husband could not find his wife, so he approached a beautiful woman and asked her, “I am sorry, but I seem to have lost my wife and can’t find her. Would you mind if I talk to you for a minute or two?” The woman got perplexed and asked the husband why. The husband replied, “Every time I talk to a woman, my wife finds me out of nowhere in no time.”

Do remember

Marriage jokes are funny when both the wife and husband have a good laugh about it. These jokes are supposed to bring a smile to the listener’s face and not spoil their mood.

26. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anna. Anna who? Anna-versary is coming up, don’t forget to buy me a gift.
27. Before I make the humble attempt of starting this wedding speech, I would like all of us to observe a minute of silence for the chicken, pork, prawns, lilies, delphiniums, calla lilies, roses, and tulips who had selflessly given their lives to make this wedding a possibility.
28. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Norma. Norma who? Norma-lly, I don’t complain, but you left the toilet seat up again.
29. Getting married is like babysitting a child who is not capable of doing anything, and even when they do something, you have to make sure that they don’t mess anything up.
30. How do you remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.
31. Your husband is the only “child” who ends up not moving out after “growing up.”
32. I decided I’m going to change my name when I get married. I would love something with a good ring to it.
33. Since I have been allowed to give a speech at this big fat wedding here, I have decided to become a public speaker.
34. After all the talk about cold feet before a wedding, I didn’t notice. Mine was just ‘groom’ temperature.
35. At a cocktail party, a woman asked one of her friends, “Hey, you have worn your wedding ring, but it’s not on the right finger.” To that, the woman replied, “Yes, because I got married to the wrong man.”
36. My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
37. Recently, my husband has been cooking for me because he calls me a “goddess.” And yes, he does treat me like one because he ends up offering “burnt” everything in front of me.
38. In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there; times haven’t changed much.
39. A little son innocently asked his father, “Dad, I want to get married too, how much does it cost, I want to save up.” The father replied, “Son, I don’t know because I am paying for all of it even now.”
40. Why don’t you see many short jokes about wedding cakes? There are too many layers to it.
41. I agree this has been quite an emotional day for all of us, so emotional that even the wedding cake is in “tiers.”
42. What do rabbits do after their wedding? Go on their bunny moon.
43. There are top three situations in our lives that tend to require witnesses, or it is never possible. The first is big accidents, then crimes, and last but not least, marriages.
44. Why did the beers get married? Because they were pitcher-perfect.
45. Arguing with your spouse is similar to reading “Terms and Conditions” before using anything. You just want to get it over with and click “I agree” at the very end.
46. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take. The husband gives, and the wife takes.
47. There is only a teeny tiny difference between marriage and love, where love tends to be blind, marriage is certainly the eye-opener that everyone requires.

48. A marriage is like a video game. It starts easy, then gets harder, and eventually, you go online and start looking for hacks.
49. How did the Queen Bee end up getting married? The answer is simple, she ended up finding her honey.
50. They say you are married for better or for worse. He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.
51. I consider the groom to be a talented man. He is a cunning business person, a shrewd thinker, an amazing inventor, and an expert in a lot of fields. He is such a connoisseur that he can fake all of it.
52. What did the vegetable groom say to the bride? I love you from my head, tomatoes.
53. Women get married to men because they believe they can change someday, but men get married to women because they think they will never change. The coincidence lies in the fact that they are both wrong.
54. Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, but it’s always fun to scream.
55. The couple before us is a match made in heaven, it’s both simple and pure. One is simple, and the other is pure.
56. The wedding was very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers by the end.
57. My husband and I compromise on a lot of things. He admits that he made a mistake, and I agree with that.
58. A husband and wife were arguing. The husband said, “You always contradict me.” The wife said, “No, I don’t.” The husband said, “Yes, you do.” The wife said, “No, I don’t.” The husband said, “Fine, you’re right.” The wife said, “No, I’m not.”
59. When your significant other is upset over something, all you have to say is a simple yet straightforward ‘calm down’ in a soft and soothing voice. It will be all that is required to make them even more upset.

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60. What do you call a married couple who are both lawyers? A lawfully wedded pair.
61. It’s not important who wears the pants in the relationship, but it is essential to know how much money is in your pocket.
62. My husband and I have been married for over 20 years, and he still drives me crazy. Lucky for him, I’m an excellent navigator.
63. Yesterday I asked my husband where he wants to go for our upcoming anniversary. To which he replies, “Somewhere new, somewhere where I haven’t yet been.” I told him, “Well then, how about going to the kitchen?”
64. Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.
65. My doctor told me yesterday that I cannot touch anything that contains alcohol, so I told my husband, “We have to get divorced because the doctor said I cannot touch anything that contains alcohol.”
66. Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
67. My wife found out the hard way that I had changed the bed in our master bedroom with a trampoline because she hit the roof and hasn’t talked to me since.
68. What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman.
69. I had once asked my wife if she ever fantasized or dreamt about me, she did say yes. It was mostly about me doing the laundry and the dishes, besides mowing our lawn and taking out the trash every night.
70. There once was a man named Ted who married a woman named Freda. They loved each other so much, but they fought over such trivial things as the color of feta.
71. A newlywed couple was staying in a bridal suite on their wedding night, the husband was quiet and staring into the night sky out of the window. The young bride became impatient and asked her husband, “Baby, what are you waiting for, aren’t you going to come to bed?” The husband shushed her and told her, “My mother told me that this would be the best night of my life, and I am waiting for it.”

Quick tip

You can use a light marriage joke when raising the toast to a newly married couple.

72. Make love, not war. Or if you want to do both – get married!
73. Christmas was around the corner, so I had to ask my wife what she wanted. She then told me that nothing in this world would make her happier than a pair of diamond earrings. So, I got her nothing.
74. Where does a cracker meet his future wife? Family reunion.
75. My wife asked for her Chapstick, but I accidentally handed her the glue stick. She is still not talking to me!
76. Before marriage, men would wander parking lots aimlessly because they had no one to point out the open spots.
77. If marriage is an institution and love is blind, then is love marriage similar to going to a blind institution?
78. A wife can enjoy anything as long as it doesn’t involve my salary.
79. There are two times when a man does not understand what a woman has to say. One is before marrying her, and the other one is after marrying her.
80. For my wife’s birthday, I bought her a fridge freezer. I know it’s not much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
81. Being married to my wife is the best feeling ever because she is the only person who loves to steal my hoodies and blankets from me, leaving me cold.
82. Wife to husband: “I’m pregnant!”
    Husband: “You’re kidding me!”
83. It is only after you get married that you realize all the wife-husband jokes were never jokes, but instances from real life.

84. My wife asked me if we could have something more ‘Christmassy’ on the television. So I put FIFA on and played in snowy conditions.
85. A wife saw her husband standing on a weight scale. He sucked up his stomach to look down. The wife exclaimed, “Ha ha, that’s never going to help.” The husband said, “Of course it does, this way, I can see what is on the scale.”
86. I typed “married,” but it was auto-corrected to “martyred.” Damn, smartphones have gained intelligence.
87. A photographer was trying to position a bride and his groom to take wedding photographs. The photographer asked, “how many times have you modeled?”
    The bride blushed and said this was her first time and that she hasn’t ever modeled. The photographer told her, “I did not mean you; I meant your husband.”
88. I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.
89. A couple was drinking wine on a Friday night, and suddenly, the wife said, “I love you, my dear.” The husband got perplexed and asked, “Honey, is that the wine talking?” To that, she replied, “no, I said those words to this bottle of wine.”
90. A honeymoon is just a holiday a groom takes before working for a new boss.
91. A husband who had turned 50 was looking in the mirror and admiring himself. He saw her wife and asked her, “Do you still love me when I am no longer youthful and balding?” The wife said, “I have no other option, honey.”
92. It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at.
93. A man broke out of prison after five long years, and he finally goes back home all exhausted and filthy, his wife asks, “Oh no, darling where have you been all this time? You had escaped seven hours ago!”
94.  My wife wanted something shiny from 0-150 in under 2 seconds. I gave her a scale.

Jokes About Marriage

Jokes are short stories that happen to be funny and make one laugh. These jokes about marriage and married life are hilarious, come take a look.

95. Two spiders got married today, right here. I also heard that they had met each other on the web.
96. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
97. When two cell phones get married, the reception ought to be amazing.
98. The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspector don’t know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
99. I had once asked a couple who had recently completed their gold anniversary if they had ever thought about divorcing one another when things got tough. The couple laughed and replied no, “we did think about murder, but not divorce.”
100. When I first started dating my wife, she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
101. If you are the best man at the wedding, you are given no chance to prove it, which is not fair.
102. What book do you like the most?
     Woman: “My husband’s checkbook.”
103. It’s amazing how one person waiting to get married to you, who you can annoy for the rest of your life.
104. The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
105. A husband is much like a fire. If you leave it unattended, it will go out eventually.
106. My wife is like Wonder Woman. She always wonders where I am, what I’m doing, and who I’m with.
107. Having a husband is like owning a lawnmower because half the time, they do not work, and the other half, they give off bad odors.
108. Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
109. I have two neighbors who live across the street from us. One day, I had curiously asked how they managed to stay with one another for such a long time. They replied it’s because they take time twice to go out each week. They have a romantic candle-lit dinner with some beautiful jazz music. The wife goes out on Wednesdays, and the husband goes out on Fridays.
110. Wife: “You’re addicted to skin lotion!”
     Husband: “Go ahead. Rub it in my face.”
111. “Honey, I heard the jumper cables are getting divorced. Now ask why?”
     “Why?”
     “Because they did not have the same spark as before.”
112. My wife is on a tropical fruit diet. The house is full of that stuff! It’s enough to make a man-go crazy.
113. If you are a man and you want your marriage to be filled with love, it is crucial to keep your mouth shut when you are right. But you must admit at the first chance when you are wrong.
114. Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
115. A man once got his credit card stolen, but when he was asked to report about it, he said he did not want to because the thief was spending way less than his wife ever did.
116. Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
117. Anyone who says that marriage is a wrong word, it’s more like a sentence on its own, to be precise, a life sentence!
118. I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
119. I saw a man once twisting his wedding ring. I jokingly asked why he was doing it, he replied that he was still trying to understand the combination.

Image: IStock

120. My wife asked me, “Are you even listening to me?,” which is a really weird way to start a conversation.
121. Bachelors love smart women, do you know the reason? It’s because opposites attract!
122. Child’s experience: If a mother laughs at the father’s jokes, they have guests.
123. I have quite poor eyesight in general, so once I asked my husband if I looked fat, he replied that my eyesight had improved apparently.
124. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
125. My husband is right there on the rooftop, andI am, however, only a few feet away, claiming the insurance that could change my entire life.
126. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.’
127. They surely got married for worse or for better. She couldn’t have gotten someone worse, and he couldn’t have gotten someone better.
128. A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.’
129. I guess my wife is not that smart because when I told her that we are spoiling our children, she told me that all children have a smell like that.
130. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, people would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
131. I would love to have the bride and groom have children someday, they don’t know what fun they are missing out,. After a hard day’s work when they come back to their children throwing flour and salt at each other and announce a bake-off war, they will know.
132. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
133. When a young couple was getting married, it was quite apparent that the bride had a taste of the finer things in life because as soon as the vows were exchanged, she asked, “What does he mean for poorer or for richer?”
134. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
135. Every married man knows that it is much better to apologize for something than ask for his wife’s permission.
136. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
137. My husband and I had been happy for 23 years, it was after that when we first met each other.

138. When a couple gets married, why does the woman change her name? Because men can’t handle that much planning.
139. A wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”
140. All marriages are happy–it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
141. I had once given my husband the ‘silent treatment’ for a week to see how he would react. At the end of the week, he said, “Hey, looks like we have been getting along pretty well?”
142. How to keep a man busy: “Darling, could you pass me my hairpin? It’s in my handbag.”
143. There are two most important rules when it comes to a happy marriage. The first rule is that your wife is always the right one. The second rule is when you think your wife is wrong, you must remind yourself of the first rule.
144. A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?” The wife said, “Actually, no, but tell me about his past, and then I’ll decide about his future!!”
145. A man had once put out an ad saying, “I want a wife.” The following day he got tons of messages saying, “you can have my wife.”
146. In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.
147. Do you know why our society forbids you to get married twice? Because it would be cruel and unjust to go through the same torture twice.
148. Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
     Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
149. The process of marriage is mostly trying to find out the kind of man your wife always wanted.
150. Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women? Because when it’s time to return to one’s childhood, the man is already there.
151. Men who have an ear piercing can be compared to the men going into war prepared. They have experienced the pain and also bought jewelry, which is what marriage is mostly about.
152. Finally, I got an idea of what it looks like in a woman’s brain: 126 open tabs in an internet browser.
153. Alcohol is the best inline or solvent. It helps in dissolving careers and families and also marriages.
154. Girl: One day, I will marry. A lot of men will be sad that day.
     Boy: Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?
155. A conversation between a detective and a sergeant was going on, andthe detective said he was handling an interesting case: “The wife shot the husband because he had stepped on the floor that she had just mopped.” The sergeant asked, “Have you arrested her?” “No, the floor’s still wet,” the detective replied.
156. I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
157. Four kinds of rings are needed in marriage. One for engagement, wedding, suffe-ring, and endu-ring.
158. One easy step to lose an argument with a wife: Argue.
159. I had married the woman who was ‘right’ for me, I wasn’t aware that she had another first name, “Always.”
160. An elderly couple:
     “I just cannot fall asleep…”
     “The evil never sleeps.”
161. There are two ways to separate my husband’s laundry, one pile is filthy laundry and the other is filthy yet wearable laundry.
162. A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.
163. Potato Man is the perfect husband for any woman. He is cute, funny, and if he looks at any other woman, you can quickly rearrange his face.
164. A woman says, “I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a millionaire!” “And what was he before?” “A billionaire.”
165. When a woman makes a fool out of any man, it is basically an overall improvement.
166. Question: How do I prevent my wife from shopping too much?
     Answer: Hold your wife’s hand in the shopping mall. For her, it’s romantic; for you, it’s economical.
167. You should always marry men who are a couple of years older than you or about the same age as you. As you get older, you will lose your beauty and youth, and he will lose his sight. It’s a win-win!
168. She: “All my friends are telling me I married an idiot!”
     He: “What they mean is, only an idiot would’ve married you!”
169. My wife says I never listen to her. At least, that’s what I think she said.
170. “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
     “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
     “True, but I do.”
171. I don’t like to interrupt when my mother-in-lawtalks, which is why it has been two years since I have spoken to her.
172. “Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?”

“A trip to Thailand?”

“Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?”

“Then I pick you up again.”

173. Even if a married man ends up changing his job all the time, there is no way he can get rid of his ultimate boss.
174. “It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we celebrate it?” “With a minute of silence?”
175. I attended the wedding of two florists, it turns out their wedding was an arranged one.
176. What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
177. Whenever my wife gets all hot and flushed, she likes it when I blow some air on her to cool her down. But to be honest, I am not a fan.
178. Scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.
179. The husband who retired from his job becomes his wife’s full-time job.

Image: Shutterstock

180. Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
     Bad news: She wants a divorce.
     Terrible news: She’s a lawyer.
181. My wife has been following this fruit diet for a couple of days, and there are fruits everywhere. It ought to make any man-go bonkers.
182. My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
183. Do you know a common thing a grenade and my wife share? If I remove the ring, the whole house will turn to dust.
184. Girlfriend: “Honey, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?”
     Boyfriend: “Sure, what’s your number?”
185. I had asked my wife to make me breakfast in bed. She said, “If you want that, go sleep in the kitchen.”
186. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.
187. My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now, it’s all water under the fridge.
188. Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit. — Jay Gallagher
189. Any man who has forgotten his wife’s birthday once will never forget it ever again in his life.
190. After two years of happy marriage, the bride confessed one day that she had just bought twelve new dresses. “Twelve!,” exclaimed the groom. “What could anyone want with twelve new dresses?” She replied, “Twelve new pairs of shoes, of course.”
191. There was a group of guy friends who met and were talking. One of the guys said, “My wife is an angel,” to which his friend replied, “you’re quite lucky, mine is still alive.”
192. By all means marry; if you get a good wife/husband, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
193. Whenever my wife packs my lunch and I see that it’s a salad, I know I will have a hard time when I return home.
194. A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. — Anne Taylor Fleming
195. If you want your man to remember the date of your wedding anniversary, then get married on his birthday.
196. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
197. Losing your wife is tough. Some say it is nearly impossible, and I attest to the fact.
198. Wife: Do you want dinner?
     Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
     Wife: Yes and no.
199. My husband and I have come to a difficult decision. We do not want children. If anyone is interested, let us know, we will give them to you free of charge.
200. Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
     Father: Son, that’s true everywhere.
201. When your wife is angry and has locked herself in any of the rooms in the house, then that house currently remains the most dangerous place on the earth.
202. Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
     Friend: “Why not?”
     Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
203. Marrying a divorced individual is ecologically responsible. It is as if you are letting everyone know that recycling isn’t that bad after all, it protects the environment.
204. I always wanted to marry an archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!

One Liner Marriage Jokes

Whether it is a knock-knock joke or a simple one-liner, everyone should laugh every now and then. These jokes are a real knee-slapper.

205. My wife’s dress sense is meant to kill anybody, her cooking is quite the same.
206. Arguing with your husband is fun, even if he wins or loses.
207. The one thing common among every man in a singles bar is that everyone is married.
208. 85% of married life consists of yelling “What?” from the other side of the house.
209. If you have something on your mind that you don’t want to tell anyone, tell it to your husband, he isn’t listening anyway.
210. My wife and I often exchange opinions. I come with my own and leave with hers.
211. A magician made her husband vanish into thin air. How you may ask? Simple, she asked for the truth.
212. Other than “It’s fine,” what other life threats do women use?
213. The only time it is recommended to argue with your wife is when she isn’t around.
214. If mothers-in-law were inherently in harmony with their sons-in-law, perhaps mankind wouldn’t have spread to all the far reaches of the globe!
215. The husband wanted space from his wife. The wife told him, join NASA.
216. My wife said she’d leave me unless I stop playing constantly with the walkie-talkie, over.
217. Ever wondered why divorce is expensive? Only because divorce is worth it.
218. Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. — Kathy Mohnke
219. Do you know what I used to do before getting married? Anything my heart desired.
220. Lifehack for married men: If your wife asks you if she gained weight, play dead.
221. I think I married another person’s soul mate; I wish they’d come and take her away.
222. A golden rule of the wife: There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
223. A man must say two important things for a healthy marriage, “You’re right” and “I am sorry.”
224. A wise man once said, “I don’t know… ask my wife.”
225. Your wife asks the questions your psychiatrist does, only free of cost.
226. Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin? — Monica Hesse
227. A woman is always worried about her future until she gets married. A man never worries about his future until he gets married.
228. Why can’t a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Because an open casket ceremony costs more.
229. There are two choices you have in your life, you either can be single and remain miserable for the rest of your life, or you could be married and wish to die.
230. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
231. If your wifeis not arguing and remains silent, then she is asleep.
232. All men are not fools; there are still some bachelors.
233. Whenever I leave my work and come home early, my wife greets me nicely with the special words, “Did they fire you?”
234. Marriage isn’t for everybody—men, for instance!
235. My wife tells me that I am guilty of two things… I do not listen to her, and the second is something I don’t remember.
236. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned!
237. Congratulating someone on their marriage is like congratulating them on a mistake.
238. For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering!
239. Love is a lot of chemistry, so if your wife considers you toxic waste, you now know why.

Image: Shutterstock

240. Why did the moth stick to the bride’s face? Because she was glowing.
241. Thanks, babe, for waking up at 3 am to tell me to get some sleep, my insomnia could not figure that out.
242. He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years—I hope his wife doesn’t find out.
243. If your husband is nowhere to be found, take out his car and start driving, you will see him running behind the car.
244. Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After a while, you get used to the temperature.
245. It is a lovely feeling waking up to the birds chirping who are generally in the middle of an argument with their spouses.
246. I’m not a yes man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.
247. Marriage is much similar to a bar of soap. It looks and smells great before you bite into it.
248. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that “this conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”
249. Dear women, if you want to get rid of your husbands during weekends, consider teaching them fishing.
250. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor
251. The secret to turning a fox into an elephant is to marry it.
252. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
253. The following is a list of the worst things you must avoid in a marriage:
     – lying
     – cheating
     – abusing
     – forgetting to take the chicken from the freezer
     – forgetting to start the dishwasher.
254. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about marriage or fractions!
255. Men are dumb… and it has been quite clear to me for some time now that I married their President.
256. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, polygamy is against the law.
257. Smoking and marriage share a similarity. You start it because you feel like it, and then continue it because it is a must.
258. A man said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”
259. My neighbor and his wife were arguing for the past couple of hours about whether they were fighting or not.
260. Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist; it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
261. It’s crucial that my wife and I share my sense of humor because she doesn’t possess one.
262. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
263. The difference between legal separation and divorce is only one. In a legal separation, the husband can easily hide his money.
264. Marriages are made in heaven and so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.
265. So recently, my wife has been blaming me for changing the autocorrect from “you are a psychic” to “you are a psycho,” I mean I could not help myself.
266. Did you hear about the two bedbugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
267. If you want to marry a rich, smart, and beautiful woman—you will end up marrying three times.
268. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
269. Marriage is grand – and divorce? Oh, that’s at least ten grand!
270. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
271. Why do married people always seem so calm and collected? Because they’ve mastered the art of selective hearing.
272. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
273. My wife and I havestarted an aggressive plan for our retirement, by which we mean that we are aggressively playing the lottery a bunch of times every week.
274. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
275. It’s a punishment to love your wife and a sin to love another man’s wife.
276. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
277. I never understood the secret behind true happiness, I was about to find out when I got married, now I will never know.
278. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
279. Your wife and boomerang have an important similarity. The faster you throw, the harder she comes back.
280. Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?
281. Before telling my wife about a mistake that I have made, I tend to take both of her hands to hold her, that way, she won’t have anything to hit me with.
282. My wife renewed me for another season.
283. A child knows that when his mother is laughing at his father’s jokes, there are guests over.
284. My wife and I are clear on this: I don’t control her life, and I don’t control mine.

Short Marriage Jokes

Humor matters, having a good laugh is the key to longevity. However, one must remember that it should not be offensive.

285. A wife who forgives her husband whenever she makes a mistake is a good wife.
286. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
287. My wife has permitted me to join a biker gang, but my curfew is at 9.
288. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.
289. You are giving a reasonable answer for once, this means I have to increase my medicine dosages.
290. Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
     Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
291. Life is quite simple, you look at a poor man, and he tells you he wants to be rich, you look at a rich man, and he wants to be a happy man, you look at a happy man and he wants to get married, the married man, however, wants to die.
292. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
293. Marriage is when a man and woman promise to love and obey each other. But the man doesn’t really mean the “obey” part.
294. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I heard two scoutmasters recently decided to tie the knot.
295. The main difference between a person’s wife and a battery is that the battery contains a positive side.
296. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds but never can. She’s telepathetic.
297. Husbands, remember, after getting married, when you are in a discussion about something with your wife, always make sure to include two words in your conversation: “Yes, honey.”
298. I’ve fallen in love with a pencil, and we’re getting married. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
299. My doctor advised me to break a sweat every day. I said “Alright, then it’s time for me to start lying to my wife.”
300. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
301. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team

Infographic: Short Marriage Jokes

Some humor in a marriage is healthy and required to keep up the fun quotient. Share these short marriage jokes with your spouse or friends to create laugh-worthy moments and make your get-togethers lively and joyful.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

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Shivank JoshiBA (Mass Communication)

Shivank is an experienced professional with a passion for writing, editing, and research. With a bachelor’s degree in Mass Communication from IEL, Dehradun, he previously worked as a production editor. Shivank transitioned into a writer/editor, contributing to various publications as a freelancer. He writes literature, including quotes, poems and wishes, for MomJunction. He has a special interest in music and...more

Siddharth KesirajuMA, Certification in Relationship Coaching

Siddharth holds a certification in Relationship Coaching and a masters degree in communication and journalism from the University of Hyderabad. He has around seven years of experience in various fields of writing and editing. As an associate editor at MomJunction, Siddharth writes on Relationship and edits the writers' articles to meet the website's editorial standards. Previously, he worked in the...more