Are you planning to give a wedding speech on your anniversary? A perfect wedding speech can be achieved when you incorporate some of the best marriage jokes. Sometimes, playful jokes add to the exuberance and cheerfulness of the party. So, if you are looking for some of the best jokes to include in your anniversary card or wedding speech, we bring you some of the best marriage jokes in this post.
150 Marriage Jokes
Laughing is the best medicine, so sharing a joke or two will tickle everyone’s funny bone.
1. People always ask me how my husband and I have maintained our marriage for twenty long years. I tell them marriage is all about forgiveness, like how I have forgiven my husband for not being Dwayne the “Rock” Johnson.
2. So, I asked my husband why he doesn’t show the same affection as our neighbor shows to his wife. He replied, “I can’t, she is a stranger.”
3. Marriage is quite similar to uninstalling all the apps on your phone, except keeping the useful one.
4. I asked my wife why does she keep looking at our marriage license. To that, she replied, “I wonder if there is an expiration date just like every other license.”
5. I have to start paying more attention to what my wife says. The other day I found out that we both have separate names for our cats.
6. Everyone asks me what the secret to a long, happy marriage is. To that, I reply, “I am still figuring out the secret myself.”
7. It turns out my wife is a big BTS fan. The other day, she was listening to one of their songs called “Fire.” She was enjoying the song until I realized she also set my personal belongings on fire.
8. If someone asks you to be their best man at their wedding, it is similar to that of jury duty.
9. My wife has given birth five times, and yet she still manages to fit in her prom dress. And here I am, who gave birth zero times yet hasn’t been able to fit into the jeans I bought two months back.
10. The secret to the happiness of a newly married man is known but the secret to the happiness of a man who has been married for more than ten years is never known.
11. When you marry the love of your life, it is like waking up from a sweet slumber by a blaring alarm clock that snaps you back to reality.
12. Being married is like going to a restaurant and ordering something, but then wishing that you had ordered what the other person has ordered.
13. A married couple went to a supermarket to shop for some groceries. After sometimes the husband could not find his wife, so he approached a beautiful woman and asked her, “I am sorry, but I seemed to have lost my wife and can’t find her. Would you mind if I talk to you for a minute or two?” The woman got perplexed and asked the husband why. The husband replied, “Every time I talk to a woman, my wife finds me out of nowhere in no time.”
14. Before I make the humble attempt of starting this wedding speech, I would like all of us to observe a minute of silence for the chicken, pork, prawns, lilies, delphiniums, calla lilies, roses, and tulips who had selflessly given their lives to make this wedding a possibility.
15. Getting married is like babysitting a child who is not capable of doing anything, and even when they do something, you have to make sure that they don’t mess anything up.
16. Your husband is the only “child” who ends up not moving out after “growing up.”
17. Since I have been allowed to give a speech at this big fat wedding here, I have decided to become a public speaker.
18. At a cocktail party, a woman asked one of her friends, “Hey, you have worn your wedding ring, but it’s not on the right finger.” To that, the woman replied, “Yes, because I got married to the wrong man.”
19. Recently, my husband has been cooking for me because he calls me a “goddess.” And yes, he does treat me like one because he ends up offering “burnt” everything in front of me.
20. A little son innocently asked his father, “Dad, I want to get married too, how much does it cost, I want to save up.” The father replied, “Son, I don’t know because I am paying for all of it even now.”
21. I agree this has been quite an emotional day for all of us, so emotional that even the wedding cake is in “tiers.”
22. There are top three situations in our lives that tend to require witnesses, or it is never possible. The first is big accidents, then crimes, and last but not least, marriages.
23. Arguing with your spouse is similar to reading “Terms and Conditions” before using anything. You just want to get it over with and click “I agree” at the very end.
24. There is only a teeny tiny difference between marriage and love, where love tends to be blind, marriage is certainly the eye-opener that everyone requires.
25. How did the Queen Bee end up getting married? The answer is simple, she ended up finding her honey.
26. I consider the groom to be a talented man. He is a cunning business person, a shrewd thinker, an amazing inventor, and an expert in a lot of the fields. He is such a connoisseur that he can fake all of it.
27. Women get married to men because they believe they can change someday, but men get married to women because they think they will never change. The coincidence lies in the fact that they are both wrong.
28. The couple before us is a match made in heaven, it’s both simple and pure. One is simple, and the other is pure.
29. My husband and I compromise on a lot of things. He admits that he made a mistake, and I agree with that.
30. When your significant other is upset over something, all you have to say is a simple yet straightforward ‘calm down’ in a soft and soothing voice. It will be all that is required to make them even more upset.
31. It’s not important who wears the pants in the relationship, but it is essential to know how much money is in your pocket.
32. Yesterday I asked my husband where he wants to go for our upcoming anniversary. To which he replies, “Somewhere new, somewhere where I haven’t yet been.” I told him, “Well then, how about going to the kitchen?”
33. My doctor told me yesterday that I cannot touch anything that contains alcohol, so I told my husband, “We have to get divorced because the doctor said I cannot touch anything that contains alcohol.”
34. My wife found out the hard way that I had changed the bed in our master bedroom with a trampoline because she hit the roof and hasn’t talked to me since.
35. I had once asked my wife if she ever fantasized or dreamt about me, she did say yes. It was mostly about me doing the laundry and the dishes, besides mowing our lawn and taking out the trash every night.
36. A newlywed couple was staying in a bridal suite on their wedding night, the husband was quiet and staring into the night sky out from the window. The young bride became impatient and asked her husband, “Baby, what are you waiting for, aren’t you going to come to bed?” The husband shushed her and told her, “My mother told me that this would be the best night of my life, and I am waiting for it.”
37. Christmas was around the corner, so I had to ask my wife what she wanted. She then told me that nothing in this world would make her happier than a pair of diamond earrings. So, I got her nothing.
38. My wife asked for her Chapstick, but I accidentally handed her the glue stick. She is not talking to me yet.
39. If marriage is an institution and love is blind, then is love marriage similar to going to a blind institution?
40. There are two times when a man does not understand what a woman has to say. One is before marrying her, and the other one is after marrying her.
41. Being married to my wife is the best feeling ever because she is the only person who loves to steal my hoodies and blankets from me, leaving me cold.
42. It is only after you get married that you realize all the wife-husband jokes were never jokes, but instances from real life.
43. A wife saw her husband standing on a weight scale. He sucked up his stomach to look down. The wife exclaimed, “Ha ha, that’s never going to help.” The husband said, “of course it does, this way, I can see what is on the scale.”
44. A photographer was trying to position a bride and his groom to take wedding photographs. The photographer asked, “how many times have you modeled?”
The bride blushed and said this was her first time and that she hasn’t ever modeled. The photographer told her, “I did not mean you; I meant your husband.”
45. A couple was drinking wine on a Friday night, and suddenly, the wife said, “I love you, my dear.” The husband got perplexed and asked, “Honey, is that the wine talking?”
To that, she replied, “no, I said those words to this bottle of wine.”
46. A husband who had turned 50 was looking in the mirror and admiring himself. He saw her wife and asked her, “Do you still love me when I am no longer youthful and balding?” The wife said, “I have no other option, honey.”
47. A man broke out of the prison after five long years, and he finally goes back home all exhausted and filthy, his wife asks, “Oh no, darling where have you been all this time? You had escaped seven hours ago!”
Jokes About Marriage
Jokes are short stories that happen to be funny and make one laugh. These jokes about marriage are hilarious, come take a look.
48. Two spiders got married today, right here. I also heard that they had met each other on the web.
49. When two cell phones get married, the reception ought to be amazing.
50. I had once asked a couple who had recently completed their gold anniversary if they had ever thought about divorcing one another when things got tough. The couple laughed and replied no, “we did think about murder, but not divorce.”
51. If you are the best man at the wedding, you are given no chance to prove it, which is not fair.
52. It’s amazing how one person waiting to get married to you, who you can annoy for the rest of your life.
53. A husband is much like a fire. If you leave it unattended, it will go out eventually.
54. Having a husband is like owning a lawnmower because half the time, they do not work, and the other half, they give off bad odors.
55. I have two neighbors who live across the street from us. One day, I had curiously asked how they managed to stay with one another for such a long time. They replied it’s because they take time twice to go out each week. They have a romantic candle-lit dinner with some beautiful jazz music. The wife goes out on Wednesdays, and the husband goes out on Fridays.
56. “Honey, I heard the jumper cables are getting divorced. Now ask why?”
“Because they did not have the same spark as before.”
57. If you are a man and you want your marriage to be filled with love, it is crucial to keep your mouth shut when you are right. But you must admit at the first chance when you are wrong.
58. A man once got his credit card stolen, but when he was asked to report about it, he said he did not want to because the thief was spending way less than his wife ever did.
59. Anyone who says that marriage is a wrong word, it’s more like a sentence on its own, to be precise, a life sentence!
60. I saw a man once twisting his wedding ring. I jokingly asked why he was doing it, he replied that he was still trying to understand the combination.
61. Bachelors love smart women, do you know the reason? It’s because opposites attract!
62. I have quite poor eyesight in general, so once I asked my husband if I looked fat, he replied that my eyesight had improved apparently.
63. My husband is right there on the rooftop, and I am, however only a few feet away, claiming the insurance that could change my entire life.
64. They surely got married for worse or for better. She couldn’t have gotten someone worse, and he couldn’t have gotten someone better.
65. I guess my wife is not that smart because when I told her that we are spoiling our children, she told me that all children have a smell like that.
66. I would love to have the bride and groom have children someday, they don’t know what fun they are missing out,. After a hard day’s work when they come back to their children throwing flour and salt at each other and announce a bake-off war, they will know.
67. When a young couple was getting married, it was quite apparent that the bride had a taste of the finer things in life because as soon as the vows were exchanged, she asked, “What does he mean for poorer or for richer?”
68. Every married man knows that it is much better to apologize for something than ask for his wife’s permission.
69. My husband and I had been happy for 23 years, it was after that when we first met each other.
70. A wife once told his husband, “If a ship was sinking and there was only one life vest in the entire ship, I would miss you dearly, honey.”
71. I had once given my husband the ‘silent treatment’ for a week to see how he would react. At the end of the week, he said, “Hey, looks like we have been getting along pretty well?”
72. There are two most important rules when it comes to a happy marriage. The first rule is that your wife is always the right one. The second rule is when you think your wife is wrong, you must remind yourself of the first rule.
73. A man had once put out an ad saying, “I want a wife.” The following day he got tons of messages saying, “you can have my wife.”
74. Do you know why our society forbids you to get married twice? Because it would be cruel and unjust to go through the same torture twice.
75. The process of marriage is mostly trying to find out the kind of man your wife always wanted.
76. Men who have an ear piercing can be compared to the men going into war prepared. They have experienced the pain and also bought jewelry, which is what marriage is mostly about.
77. Alcohol is the best inline or solvent. It helps in dissolving careers and families and also marriages .
78. A conversation between a detective and a sergeant was going on, and the detective says he was handling an interesting case “The wife shot the husband because he had stepped on the floor that she had just mopped.” The sergeant asked, “have you arrested her?” “No, the floor’s still wet,” the detective replied.
79. Four kinds of rings are needed in marriage. One for engagement, wedding, suffe-ring, and endu-ring.
80. I had married the woman who was ‘right’ for me, I wasn’t aware that she had another first name, “Always.”
81. There are two ways to separate my husband’s laundry, one pile is filthy laundry and the other is filthy yet wearable laundry.
82. Mr. Potato Man is the perfect husband for any woman. He is cute, funny, and if he looks at any other woman, you can quickly rearrange his face.
83. When a woman makes a fool out of any man, it is basically an overall improvement.
84. You should always marry men who are a couple of years older than you or about the same age as you. As you get older, you will lose your beauty and youth, and he will lose his sight. It’s a win-win!
85. A woman told her friend, “After my husband married me, he became a millionaire.”
The friend asked, “so what about before you had married him.” To which the woman replied, “Oh, he was a multi-millionaire back then.”
86. I don’t like to interrupt when my mother-in-law talks, which is why it has been two years since I have spoken to her.
87. Even if a married man ends up changing his job all the time, there is no way he can get rid of his ultimate boss.
88. I attended the wedding of two florists, it turns out their wedding was an arranged one.
89. Whenever my wife gets all hot and flushed, she likes it when I blow some air on her to cool her down. But to be honest, I am not a fan.
90. The husband who retired from his job becomes his wife’s full-time job.
91. My wife has been following this fruit diet for a couple of days, and there are fruits everywhere. It ought to make any man-go bonkers.
92. Do you know a common thing a grenade and my wife share? If I remove the ring, the whole house will turn to dust.
93. I had asked my wife to make me breakfast in bed. She said, “If you want that, go sleep in the kitchen.”
94. My wife was angry at me because I had dropped ice cubes under the fridge, I can’t say her anger went away, but those ice cubes turned to water.
95. Any man who has forgotten his wife’s birthday once will never forget it ever again in his life.
96. There was a group of guy friends who met and were talking. One of the guys said, “My wife is an angel,” to that, his friend replied, “you’re quite lucky, mine is still alive.”
97. Whenever my wife packs my lunch and I see that it’s a salad, I know I will have a hard time when I return home.
98. If you want your man to remember the date of your wedding anniversary, then get married on his birthday.
99. Losing your wife is tough. Some say it is nearly impossible, and I attest to the fact.
100. My husband and I have come to a difficult decision. We do not want children. If anyone is interested, let us know, we will give them to you free of charge.
101. When your wife is angry and has locked herself in any of the rooms in the house, then that house currently remains the most dangerous place on the earth.
102. Marrying a divorced individual is ecologically responsible. It is as if you are letting everyone know that recycling isn’t that bad after all, it protects the environment.
One Liner Marriage Jokes
Whether it is a knock-knock joke or a simple one-liner, everyone should laugh every now and then. These jokes are a real knee-slapper.
103. My wife’s dress sense is meant to kill anybody, her cooking is quite the same.
104. The one thing common among every man in a singles bar is that everyone is married.
105. If you have something on your mind that you don’t want to tell anyone, tell it to your husband, he isn’t listening anyway.
106. A magician made her husband vanish into thin air. How you may ask? Simple, she asked for the truth.
107. The only time it is recommended to argue with your wife is when she isn’t around.
108. The husband wanted space from his wife. The wife told him, join NASA.
109. Ever wondered why divorce is expensive? Only because divorce is worth it.
110. Do you know what I used to do before getting married? Anything my heart desired.
111. I think I married another person’s soul mate; I wish they’d come and take her away.
112. A man must say two important things for a healthy marriage, “You’re right” and “I am sorry.”
113. Your wife asks the questions your psychiatrist does, only free of cost.
114. A woman is always worried about her future until she gets married. A man never worries about his future until he gets married.
115. There are two choices you have in your life, you either can be single and remain miserable for the rest of your life, or you could be married and wish to die.
116. If your wife is not arguing and remains silent, then she is asleep.
117. Whenever I leave my work and come home early, my wife greets me nicely with the special words, “Did they fire you?”
118. My wife tells me that I am guilty of two things… I do not listen to her, and the second is something I don’t remember.
119. Congratulating someone on their marriage is like congratulating them on a mistake.
120. Love is a lot of chemistry, so if your wife considers you toxic waste, you now know why.
121. Thanks, babe, for waking up at 3 am to tell me to get some sleep, my insomnia could not figure that out.
122. If your husband is nowhere to be found, take out his car and start driving, you will see him running behind the car.
123. It is a lovely feeling waking up to the birds chirping who are generally in the middle of an argument with their spouses.
124. Marriage is much similar to a bar of soap. It looks and smells great before you bite into it.
125. Dear women, if you want to get rid of your husbands during weekends, consider teaching them fishing.
126. The secret to turning a fox into an elephant is to marry it.
127. The following is a list of the worst things you must avoid in a marriage:
– forgetting to take the chicken from the freezer
– forgetting to start the dishwasher.
128. Men are dumb… and it has been quite clear to me for some time now that I married their President.
129. Smoking and marriage share a similarity. You start it because you feel like it, and then continue it because it is a must.
130. My neighbor and his wife were arguing for the past couple of hours about whether they were fighting or not.
131. It’s crucial that I and my wife share my sense of humor because she doesn’t possess one.
132. The difference between legal separation and divorce is only one. In a legal separation, the husband can easily hide his money.
133. So recently, my wife has been blaming me for changing the autocorrect from “you are a psychic” to “you are a psycho,” I mean I could not help myself.
134. If you want to marry a rich, smart, and beautiful woman—you will end up marrying three times.
135. I had written married, but the auto-correct changed it to martyred, no wonder computer is becoming intelligent day by day.
136. It was my wife’s birthday the other day, so I ended up buying a refrigerator for her. It wasn’t much, but her face lit up when she opened the refrigerator door.
137. I and my wife have started an aggressive plan for our retirement, by which we mean that we are aggressively playing the lottery a bunch of times every week.
138. It’s a punishment to love your wife and a sin to love another man’s wife.
139. I never understood the secret behind true happiness, I was about to find out when I got married, now I will never know.
140. Your wife and boomerang have an important similarity. The faster you throw, the harder she comes back.
141. Before telling my wife about a mistake that I have made, I tend to take both of her hands to hold her, that way, she won’t have anything to hit me with.
142. A child knows that when his mother is laughing at his father’s jokes, there are guests over.
Short Marriage Jokes
Humor matters, having a good laugh is the key to longevity. However, out one must remember that it should not be offensive.
143. A wife who forgives her husband whenever she makes a mistake is a good wife.
144. My wife has permitted me to join a biker gang, but my curfew is at 9.
145. You are giving a reasonable answer for once, this means I have to increase my medicine dosages.
146. Life is quite simple, you look at a poor man, and he tells you he wants to be rich, you look at a rich man, and he wants to be a happy man, you look at a happy man and he wants to get married, the married man, however, wants to die.
147. A person asked her friend what was her favorite book, to that, she replied, “my partner’s checkbook.”
148. The main difference between a person’s wife and a battery is that the battery contains a positive side.
149. Husbands, remember, after getting married, when you are in a discussion about something with your wife, always make sure to include two words in your conversation: “Yes, honey.”
150. My doctor advised me to break a sweat every day. I said “Alright, then it’s time for me to start lying to my wife.”
Marriage takes a lot of time and effort, but you and your spouse can have a good laugh about a joke and have a great time. With so many jokes on the list, you won’t ever be bored. And if you incorporate them in your wedding speech, it will make your guests laugh out loud.