I thought pregnancy was a milestone in a woman’s life. But didn’t realise it was milestones within milestones. The brilliant journey has to have them. Read on for more:
1. You See The Oven, Not The Bun
You cannot get a physical glimpse of the fetus unless over an ultrasound. You only ‘think’ about the little life growing inside. But all that you see is the oven. Literally. Especially if you are a women boasting of a naturally flat tummy, you can’t see anything but an oven when you gaze into the mirror. Rephrase it to anything else. A pumpkin, a watermelon, or a soccer ball. Or liken it to any circular object you might reckon. And then freak out with the thought of whether that flatness will ever come back, even after popping out that little human.
2. And You See The Oven, But Nothing Below It
Unless you want to prove your artfulness on slacklining, don’t even try to find the netherrealm. You will just be good with some groping. In fact, any grooming of the lady garden can wait this time around. In all event, you will have your midwife ready to do the job for you. But hey, you can’t get the sight of your feet. Forget your waddling marathon, let alone grapple with wearing your shoes. Get help. If you are by yourself, make sure you are seated to wear your shoes uninterchangeably.
3. The Scent Of Kerosene
The urge to control your flatulence can get exasperating. Pray nobody gets the whiff of it when you do it discretely. The guilt of being a bit ‘uncivilized’ gets the good of you. If only this gave a concrete reason for increasing the days under maternity cover. But neither can you be so straight as to make this a reason, nor can you battle with your natural biological urges. What’s worse, you will be coordinating between your diaphragm and rectal muscles when you have to laugh. When you give in eventually, the gassy emissions can creep you out. You want to run away from yourself. Yes, kerosene sounds like a scent now.
4. You Try To Be A Sexy Plus-Sized Babe
No skin-tight or body hugging outfits anymore. Get those harem pants. Sway like a maiden from the Arabian nights. And you will still feel that it’s not as sexy as a belly-dance (which should obviously be avoided under all circumstances when pregnant). While zippers and buttons can be bid goodbye for sometime, you will be flabbergasted at the elastics that will stretch like they never did for you before (you will not believe your current waistline). If you are one of those who used to be sorry-faced for all the massive outfits – for the plus sizes and those meant for maternity – then you are in the same boat as them. Atone for any jeers you made on them. And this goes with cosmetics or the accessories that you develop an aversion for during these times. Plus, put the pointed heels back in the shoe-rack. And call it a day with a little pout in the mirror.
5. You Imagine A Gamut Of Phobias
Huh, you are already carrying a load inside you. Then you are sandwiched among people, in an elevator, for instance. Utter claustrophobia. Reel out the day before you. It will surprise you with symptoms of a variety of phobia several times in a day. Don’t be a fool rushing to get a psychological help. Phobias of all sorts are the order of the hour now. Being overly sensitive to various smells, worrying about closed, high or crowded places, and going paranoid for everything on earth possible is typical. Stop inviting any more disorders or add-up to the already choked up situation you are in, you nerd. Staying calm and relaxed is the key. Hit self-help books. Put a period to all the melodrama. Get some ‘sound of music’.
What do you count as a milestone in your pregnancy? Write to us!
