Top 10 Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse

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This post gives you a list of ten questions to ask your unfaithful spouse that may help you make the biggest decision of your life? Gaining a clear perspective after you come to know that your spouse has cheated on you can devastate your life and have a negative impact on your mind and self-esteem. It is natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions, including anger, disbelief, disgust, despair, and pain during this time. But, it is important to take charge of your emotions and decide for yourself. These questions can help you make the right choice and decide whether or not to stay in the marriage.

1. What made you think it was okay to cheat?

The person who cheats may tend to justify the affair in their head. There can be several reasons for infidelity. For example, they might say they are a part of a dissatisfied or unhappy marriage, or they felt underappreciated. Lack of commitment is another reason for cheating. Since they are not committed to you, it might have been fairly easy for them to be unfaithful. This may indicate that your partner does not believe in the concept of monogamy or loyalty.

People may need an ego boost in life at a certain age, and they cheat to feel young again. Whatever the answer might be, it will not make their act right or reduce your pain, and you will understand their motives. This may prove to be one of the important points to consider while deciding the future course of your marriage.

2. How long have you two been involved?

Be it a one-time thing or a long-term affair, it doesn’t reduce the culpability of your spouse. However, the duration of the affair might indicate the nature of the relationship between your spouse and their affair partner. A short fling or a one-night stand might be easier to get away from. However, a long-term affair is difficult to move past as your spouse might be more attached to them.

3. Did you ever feel guilty?

This question may indicate your spouse’s stance about your marriage. If they value the sanctity of the marriage and are committed to you, they would be guilty about the affair, be it an emotional affair or a sexual one. The feeling of remorse might prevent them from repeating the behavior.

However, if there is no sense of guilt, it could indicate that they did not value the marriage. Hence, asking this question might help you understand your spouse’s psychology.

4. Was this the only instance, or were there other instances in the past?

You need to figure out if this is a one-off or there is a history of cheating. If they say they have had opportunities in the past and only cheated now, ask them what changed between then and now? By deep-diving into this, you may be able to assess if there is something amiss in your marriage that you can work on.

On the other hand, if they have cheated before or tend to stray whenever they get an opportunity, your spouse might be a serial cheater. In such a scenario, there is a possibility that your unfaithful partner might do so again.

5. Do you still have feelings for them?

It is a tough pill to swallow that the person you love has romantic feelings for someone else, but this is one of the most crucial questions to ask your spouse. If there were no feelings involved, it might be easier to break it off.

However, if your spouse fell in love with them and still have feelings for them, you may need to understand where they stand regarding you and your marriage. Do they still love you? Do they want to be with you or with their affair partner? And most importantly, ask yourself if you are comfortable being in the marriage knowing that your spouse loves someone else.

6. What did you tell them about us?

Did your spouse lie to their affair partner that they were not married, or did they say they are separated or divorced? Or did your spouse try to gain sympathy by saying you were a bad partner and that your marriage is doomed?

If your spouse stooped to the lowest level, figure out if staying in this marriage is worth it. However, if they shared some real issues in your marriage, then your question might bring these problems out in the open. You might have to work on those together.

7. Did you ever consider how the affair will affect me?

This question will tell you what was on your spouse’s mind regarding your marriage while they crossed lines. Weren’t they worried that the affair might wreck your marriage? If they say they did, why did they still go ahead with the affair?

If you are connected with them on an emotional level, the intensity of the connection might put the future of your marriage in jeopardy.

8. What made you choose them over me?

Was your spouse enamored by a particular trait of that person? Or is it something else?

If the affair resulted from something your partner felt was missing in your marriage, you two can discuss and work it out. However, this doesn’t mean that it is your fault that your spouse strayed. It gives an understanding of their point of view and if you both want to move ahead together, you can work on your issues.

9. Did you ever visualize or plan a future with them?

This question will indicate the intensity between your spouse and the other person. The extent of future planning might give an insight into the seriousness of the affair.

If they had moved on from planning dinners and holidays to thoughts of eloping or living together, the relationship had progressed from a fling to a serious one. If your spouse still wants that person, ending your marriage rather than staying in a loveless marriage is better.

10. Are you willing to work on saving the marriage?

At some point, decide whether to be with your spouse or move on. If you wish to give your partner a chance, this question is an important one to ask.

It takes two to work on the marriage. Are they willing to go with marriage counseling? Will they make time for regular meetings? If you want to save the marriage, your spouse needs to commit.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. How do you trick a cheater into confessing?

You can make your cheating spouse fall into your trap with questions like “I know what’s going on,” or check their alibi by asking the narrative of their last plans. If you know about their whereabouts, start with a casual talk and let them tell you about their whereabouts, and then share your details.

2. What are the red flags for a cheating spouse?

If your spouse is cheating on you, you may notice some red flags, such as a sudden change in their attitude, less and infrequent communication with you, endless excuses, and avoiding eye contact. A lack of physical intimacy, secretive actions, or chancing upon odd gifts, perfume smell, and other things in their possession can also indicate you are being two-timed.

3. When should I not forgive a cheating spouse?

If your spouse has not apologized or shown remorse even after being caught, is still reasoning with you, is not putting forth any effort or showing signs of change, and is still in contact with that other person, it is better for you to leave such a person.

Before you ask any of these questions, calm down and bring your emotions under control. Screaming and blame games will only hurt you more and deteriorate the situation further. Consider that may lie or evade the queries. However, you know them well, hence you will be able to gauge the truth from their body language and expressions. Based on all the information, you can take your time and decide the future course of your marriage. If it becomes too overwhelming, don’t be afraid to get any help you need.

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Akshay Nair

Akshay is an associate editor and former journalist with over three years of experience. A post graduate in Mass Communication and Journalism, he has strong professional and academic background in the field of content writing and editing. He is also a Certified Relationship Workshop Facilitator for Life Coaches. Akshay interned and worked with various newspapers and the Public Relations Department... more