Marriage might seem smooth sailing when you marry the love of your life. Even with a few fights and arguments, the relationship can be healthy when you maintain a balance. But when things are one-sided, and you constantly ask yourself, ‘why my husband yells at me,’ you alone cannot keep the marriage stable. It’s time to dig deeper and figure out the reasons and triggers for his outbursts.
Yelling is a form of expression and can become verbally aggressive with time. People resort to such behavior when they are stressed, angry, or frustrated. If your husband keeps yelling at you, it hurts you and the family. Instead of waiting for him to change, understand what makes him do it and how you can help him and your marriage. Continue reading, as this post may give you answers to your unsettled questions.
Is It Normal For Your Husband To Yell At You?
Yelling or shouting is not an effective way to communicate. It is not a normal response and should not be accepted. It is hurtful, disrespectful, and humiliating to experience, whether at home or in public.
Yelling is a form of abuse that takes a toll on the person who is being yelled at. When your husband yells, it makes you feel worthless, anxious, and scared. It can also have a negative impact on your self-esteem and confidence. The effects can stretch to social scenarios, where you become uncomfortable around your husband as he might react at any moment.
Yelling affects not only you but also your children if any. Studies have shown that children who grew up in an environment where yelling is a common occurrence have an increased anxiety, depression, and stress, along with behavioral problems (1).
In rare cases, some couples find their common ground through yelling or being open to each other. People sometimes lose their temper when they experience strong emotions. But if your husband yells at you all the time, making you afraid, hurt, sad, angry, and depressed, it’s high time you need to do something about it. Start with understanding him.
Why Does Your Husband Yell At You?
What could be going on in his mind that makes him so frustrated? Let’s understand your husband’s reasons for yelling at you to help resolve the issue.
1. He is annoyed or stressed
If your husband is frustrated or stressed due to work, family problems, financial issues, or lack of intimacy, he might have a difficult time expressing his emotions calmly and may burst out in anger.
2. He likes to assert dominance
If your husband is accustomed to wielding power, he may be berating at you or accusing to keep you in his control. It could be his way to reinstate dominance.
3. He lacks emotional control
As a young boy, he might have been led to believe that men should not show any emotions, whether positive or negative. Now, as an adult, in a struggle to regulate his feelings, he might end up yelling rashly at you. Negative emotions cannot be suppressed for long periods and eventually cause him to blow up.
4. He tries to make himself feel safe
If your husband feels overwhelmed, upset, or attacked, he might yell at you or start criticizing you, considering it a defense mechanism.
5. He is under societal pressure
Men are labeled as the providers and breadwinners of the family. If they cannot fulfill their responsibilities as a husband, father, or head of the household, it puts tremendous pressure on them, causing them to lash out at their loved ones.
6. He has a short temper
Your husband may have a short temper, causing him to explode in anger now and again, even for minute issues.
7. He has low confidence and self-esteem
Men with low self-esteem find it challenging to take constructive criticism with an open mind. So, he may be rebuking you when he feels he cannot assert his presence confidently.
8. He does it to make himself heard
If your husband feels his views or opinions are being ignored or misunderstood, he may yell just to make you listen to him.
9. He is depressed
Anger or aggression is one of the symptoms of depression in men. Sometimes, this goes unnoticed. Be mindful if your husband constantly yells at you because it might be a sign of depression.
10. He was raised in a dysfunctional family
If your husband was brought up in a family where yelling, blaming each other, and screaming were the primary forms of communication, he might view it as a standard communication method.
11. He is a misogynist
If your partner always treats you badly, it is possible that your husband has an innate hatred for women and is a misogynist. A misogynist often shows affection towards their wife in public but torture them emotionally behind closed doors. He may also feel entitled to control and even punish you when you don’t act according to his will. Yelling, shouting, or using abusive language may be a part of such misogynistic behavior.
12. He is insecure in the relationship
A husband who feels insecure in the relationship may take out his frustration by yelling at their wife. Insecurity can stem from a lack of confidence, financial stress, feelings of inadequacy, doubt of infidelity, lack of self-love, and several other factors. His inability to express his concerns may make him irritable and abuse you verbally.
What To Do If Your Husband Yells At You?
How you handle your husband when he is yelling at you greatly depends on your relationship with him, your communication style, and the reason behind his behavior. Here are some approaches you can take to get him to stop yelling at you.
1. Express your disapproval
This can be the first step towards change. Communication is vital in every relationship, and the manner you choose to tell will help him understand your needs and feelings. Instead of wondering “Why my husband is yelling at me?” and avoiding the situation, you need to communicate with him calmly.
If your husband is yelling at you, do not yell back. Take time to think about how to respond and stand up for yourself. Be assertive but do it calmly. The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method can help you and your partner communicate empathetically (2).
2. Let him know the impact on family
Yelling and scolding can create a toxic atmosphere at home. Studies have shown that children who grow up in a house filled with conflict and yelling are more prone to internalizing disorders like anxiety and depression (1).
Let him know if his yelling makes you (and the children) feel afraid, threatened, unloved, and helpless. He might not realize the effect it has on the family.
3. Take a time-out
If you sense that the argument is getting intense, it would be an excellent decision to take a time-out. This will allow you and your husband to calm down and avoid saying anything you might regret later. After you have collected yourself, continue the discussion rationally.
4. Be patient and compassionate
These qualities can significantly help your husband change his behavior. It will give him the drive to change when he understands your commitment.
Mother-of-four Laurie McDermott recounts an incident where her mindfulness prevented an instance of her husband screaming at her from transforming into a full-blown argument. She writes, “But the husband was mad and I had to address that as soon as possible or his anger would grow and fester and who knows what would come out next? I knew I had to respond kindly. Without defensiveness or anger.”
Ultimately, she decided to apologize for the mistake that led her husband to yell at her. Recalling her husband’s reaction, she says, “He stood there hearing me a little bewildered that he was indeed ‘understood.’ Then I smiled and hugged him. He was so shocked he didn’t move. He didn’t hug me back. But that was okay. Shock does that and I could tell he was still a bit confused at what had just happened… Yet I was pleased, I did my part (i).”
5. Avoid topics that trigger him
If you have noticed specific topics causing your husband to flare up, avoid mentioning them. This does not mean that you have to avoid sensitive topics completely. Try to broach them cautiously when he is in a good mood.
6. Set rules for managing arguments
When you feel your arguments can get out of hand often, set some rules to navigate these difficult discussions smoothly. It is essential to stick to these rules, otherwise, he may take things for granted and refuse to acknowledge the changes.
7. Make him feel seen, heard, and loved
Sometimes, people can become aggressive when they feel unloved, unheard, and unseen. If this is how your husband feels, it is important to acknowledge his emotions and show him that you care for him. Spend more time with him and find activities that you both enjoy. When he is talking, listen actively and engage with him.
8. Seek professional help
If you have tried different strategies to make your husband stop yelling and they don’t seem to work, maybe it is time to seek professional help. A therapist or a marriage counselor can help you and make you discuss your issues in an environment without judgment. Couple therapy can significantly improve communication between spouses.
9. Stay safe
Do you think you cannot get to your husband by speaking to him? Will he refuse to calm down and stop yelling when you express yourself? If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable around him, make space and stay safe. Talk to someone you trust or find a domestic violence counselor.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How does yelling affect a marriage?
Yelling can have a negative effect on marriage. It can lead to broken communication between the couple and other psychological issues, including anxiety, depression, stress, and PTSD. It can make the couple feel like they are walking on eggshells whenever they are around each other.
2. Can I be traumatized by my husband’s yelling?
Yelling can have traumatizing effects on you. It can make it difficult for you by making you feel low. Some long-term effects can be depression, anxiety, and developing panic attacks.
3. What are some signs of an abusive relationship?
Physical violence, verbal or emotional abuse, controlling behavior, isolation from friends and family, constant criticism or humiliation, and a pattern of fear, intimidation, or threats are some telltale signs of an abusive relationship.
4. How can I improve my relationship with my husband if he constantly yells at me?
Set clear boundaries to let him know what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Have open and honest communication to express your feelings calmly and assertively. Practice active listening and allow your husband to express his thoughts and concerns without interruptions. Encourage him to find positive coping mechanisms for effective anger management. Moreover, consider seeking couples therapy to address the underlying issues and learn healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.
There can be several reasons your husband yells at you, you can try to be understanding, but his actions cannot be justified to a certain extent. Learning how to deal with and respond to a yelling husband can immensely improve your relationship and connection with him and help your husband end this disruptive behavior.
Infographics: Ways To Keep Calm When Your Partner Is Yelling At You
It can be difficult to keep your cool when your partner yells at you, but how you respond can prevent the situation from escalating. If you are looking for guidance, reading this infographic can help. We bring you a few tactics to maintain your calm disposition.
- Yelling may be triggered by personal reasons.
- It can be cathartic.
- Yelling affects both the partner and their children.
- It can be a sign that might lead to physical abuse.
Feeling overwhelmed by your husband’s yelling? Learn what to do when your husband yells at you in this helpful video. Get tips on how to respond and stay calm in the face of anger.
Personal Experience: Sources
i. How to respond when husband yells.
- Interparental conflict, children’s security with parents, and long-term risk of internalizing problems: A longitudinal study from ages 2 to 10.
- NVC Instruction Self-Guide.
- Longitudinal Links Between Fathers’ and Mothers’ Harsh Verbal Discipline and Adolescents’ Conduct Problems and Depressive Symptoms.
- For A Healthy Marriage, Practice Forgiveness To Reduce Anger.