When you are deeply and madly in love with someone, everything about them seems perfect. Even their flaws, no matter how big, seem insignificant.
But you cannot really turn a blind eye to everything they do, especially when you sense something unusual and uncomfortable about your relationship. That disturbing feeling in the pit of your stomach is probably your gut telling you about a red flag, or a subtle hint that something is not going right in your relationship.
In this MomJunction post, we help you identify the warning signs of red flags in a relationship in time to save the relationship and yourself if possible.
25 Red Flags In A Relationship
Look out for these signs in your relationship and acknowledge them sooner than later.
1. Rushing things
A relationship takes its own sweet time to bloom. While some relations take years to settle down, some establish a bond in weeks or months after meeting. The bottom line is that you will be ready to move ahead in your relationship when you are ready. Don’t let your partner rush you. If they are, in spite of you being uncomfortable with it, find out why. It could be a warning sign you should not ignore.
2. No future aspirations
Your partner doesn’t show any interest in discussing your future together. He or she seems to be uninterested in any planning, be it about marriage, moving in together, finances, or anything else. This kind of behavior could be a red flag that needs addressing.
3. Too much of sarcasm
According to P. Valerie Dauphin, a certified life coach, ‘too much of sarcasm could be annoying and hurtful.’ If your partner’s constant sarcasm about anything you do is annoying you, let them know about it. If they continue their sarcastic behavior, in spite of knowing that you do not like it, maybe take a step back and check if your relationship is doing you more harm than good (1).
4. Still talking about the ex
Most of us have had past relationships that did not work for whatever reasons, and that is okay. But if the ex becomes a topic of everyday discussion, it could be frustrating for the other partner and even brew a bit of hatred in the relationship. That’s because the conversations about ex could eventually turn into comparisons. And that, definitely, is not healthy in a relationship.
5. Being unreasonably busy
There was a time when your partner was always there for you. But now, he or she is acting super busy and says there’s not enough time to sit down and talk or to go on a date.
Agreed that our jobs keep us busy but we can still make time for the people we love if we want to. When you are in a relationship, it is essential to spend quality time with each other. You can make an excuse once, twice, and even a few times. But if excuses are all you get every time you ask them to spend time with you, then understand that there could be a problem.
6. Never apologizing
Fights and arguments are a part of every relationship. When one is wrong, the right thing to do is apologize to the partner and move on. But if you are the only one apologizing and your partner never does it (even when it is his or her fault), you need to address the issue.
7. Being abusive
Abuse, in any form, should not be tolerated in a relationship. Whether your partner is abusing you psychologically, verbally, emotionally, or physically, do what is necessary to stop them.
8. Undermining you
If your partner is downplaying your accomplishments or the efforts you make, he or she is insecure. An insecure partner will never be happy with anything you do and will try to criticize you at every step of the way. This demotivating behavior is not good for your relationship or you.
9. Justifying bad behavior
If someone does something wrong, they must apologize. Instead of being sorry, if your partner always justifies bad behavior (being rude, disrespectful, walking out), then you should talk it out. Let him, or her, know that you don’t like such behavior. If they do not change even after that, take it as a red flag.
10. Dark past
If your partner has been through a rough past (say he or she is a suspect or drug addict), you need to pay attention to his or her present activities. That does not mean you always doubt their intentions or look them down. But if you notice that their behavior is leaning towards past activities that landed them in trouble, you have to be wary and watchful.
11. Only solo plans
It’s okay if you sometimes hang out with your friends and not your partner. But if your partner is always making solo plans without inviting you, something is fishy. Having ‘me-time’ in a relationship is important, but that should not be the only thing in the relationship.
12. Not introducing to friends and family
Usually, you tend to meet your partner’s family or parents a few months or a couple of years into the relationship. But if that hasn’t happened, and your partner seems hesitant to introduce you to his or her parents or friends, you should start wondering why. Hiding the relationship or avoiding family could also be a red flag in a relationship.
13. Immature or irresponsible
Not everyone can handle everything. Some people are good at what they do and have stable careers. Others bounce from one job to another, trying different things, but can take care of themselves. Then there are some who have difficulty sticking to a job and managing their finances. You may be okay with your partner being like this, given that you love them a lot. But can you be okay with it forever? Initially, you may find it adorable that your partner depends on you for everything. But soon, that can be frustrating, leaving you annoyed with your partner for being immature or irresponsible.
If you live with a dependent partner and feel that you’re heading towards a skewed relationship with an immature person, maybe stop and think about it.
14. Checking up on you or controlling
Does your partner constantly call and ask you about your whereabouts? If yes, it sure is annoying. And, it could mean that there is a lack of trust on their part. That, combined with controlling behavior that restricts your actions, should come as a warning sign for you.
Gaslighting is when one partner lies to make the other person think that they are wrong, even when they are right. For example, if your partner calls you crazy or blames your imagination every time you point out something suspicious about their behavior, they are probably gaslighting you into believing their lies. If this happens repeatedly, you need to be alert.
16. Lack of intimacy
Besides sexual touch, partners show their love and affection by hugging, kissing, or just holding hands. That is not to say that there is no love without touch. But physical touch (less or more) plays a valuable role in a relationship. Intimacy can also be emotional and intellectual. If you don’t feel as close to your partner as you once did, there’s something amiss in the relationship.
17. You are not yourself
Do you think you are compromising who you are to make your loved one happy? Do you sleep with regret in your heart? Well, if you have always been putting your partner before yourself, then you need to wake up. A relationship should always be about two people, not just one.
18. Unable to express feelings or no communication
A healthy relationship is one in which you can freely share your thoughts and interests with your partner. And if that is not happening and you find it tough to express yourself, the relationship may not be able to move in a healthy direction. Lack of or poor communication should be taken as a red flag in a relationship.
19. Being secretive
It’s all right if your partner doesn’t want to share some things with you. But if he or she is trying to hide most things from you, then it is wrong. Hiding leads to lying, which then leads to the misuse of trust, which is not healthy for the relationship.
20. Trying too hard to be likable
This usually happens early in a relationship. Your boyfriend or girlfriend could be trying too hard to be nice and attractive. For example, your partner may overlook all your flaws or shower you with too many gifts or favors even when there is no need for it. That kind of behavior is something you should take with a pinch of salt.
21. Not interested in your opinion
If your partner doesn’t take you seriously or disregards your opinion, it is a sign that they do not respect you. Such behavior could get bitter with time and should, hence, be considered as a red flag in a relationship.
22. ‘I am always right’
Nobody can always be right. If your partner says he or she is perfect and blames you for everything that goes wrong in a relationship, maybe stop and reevaluate the relationship. Being blamed for things you are not responsible for is a sign that your partner is not willing to be responsible or accountable for their actions. This can take a toll on you in the long run and must be considered as a red flag in the relationship.
23. Seeking too much of attention
Everyone needs some ‘me time.’ So it becomes tiresome when your partner wants to be with you always. If your lover/ spouse is asking you to pay attention to them constantly, it might not be healthy for your relationship.
24. Disrespectful attitude towards servicemen
Watch out how your partner talks to people who serve you. It could be a waiter, driver, or a servant. How they treat someone lesser in rank or status to them tells a lot about the person’s character. You would want someone who believes in equality and respects people regardless of their race, gender, age, profession, or wealth. Racism, favoritism, sexism, and such behavior that puts down others unfairly should be a red flag.
25. Too possessive
It’s acceptable to be a little possessive of your lover. But if you think they are jealous and want to control and monitor your moves too much, then it is not a good sign. Jealousy and possessiveness are clear red flags in a relationship.
These red flags are applicable to your partner’s behavior as well as yours. If you feel that you are behaving differently than earlier, and are heading towards an attitude that could hurt your partner and your relationship, stop and introspect to change for the better. If you notice these changes in your partner, talk to them about it, and find ways to deal with it amicably.
Do you have any experiences to share? Do let us know about them in the comments section below.