16 Warning Signs Of Manipulation In A Relationship

Image: Shutterstock

When we love someone, we tend to overlook some of their flaws and mistakes, making emotional manipulation in relationships tough to spot or recognize. Manipulation and coercion is not confined to just romantic or familial relationships, it can also extend to other parts of your life. If you are with someone who leaves you feeling obligated or guilty, confused or insecure, you might be in love with a manipulator. Manipulation has patterns of behavior that can help you discern it. This post discusses the various signs and tactics a manipulator uses and ways to handle them.

What Is Manipulation In Relationships

Manipulation is the act of controlling a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors through words or deeds. The purpose is to hold sway over another person in a way that will benefit them. It can happen in any kind of relationship, close or casual.

Manipulation is also a form of emotional abuse that leaves the victim confused, anxious, depressed, and uncertain about their instincts and emotions. It causes psychological harm to the victim and morphs a healthy relationship into a toxic one. Manipulation is a spectrum that can range from barely noticeable or unintended to calculated and thought-out (1).

Ruban F. Ribeiro, a writer, shares how his partner was manipulating him and he was constantly battling his own insecurities to keep the relationship intact and eventually discovered the truth of his life. He says, “It’s likely that your manipulative partner is linked with one or a few personality disorders — Narcissism, bipolar, borderline, etc. In my experience, finding this out and reading more about it saved me and allowed me to run from my nightmare. Before I considered I was being manipulated, I considered our problems to be challenges. That in itself is another sign of manipulation. My first mistake was allowing myself to become blind to reality for the warmth of wanting to love and care for someone abusing my kindness. The idea of being a good person outweighed the idea that I was being used (i).”

Did you know?

Manipulation is one of the most common traits of narcissism (2).

16 Signs Of Manipulation In A Relationship

Most of the time, the victim doesn’t realize that their partner is manipulating them. A manipulator knows the victims’ weaknesses and exploits them for their benefit. Identifying these signs of manipulation in a relationship can help you understand when your partner is trying to influence or control you unfairly and let you take the necessary steps to protect yourself.

1. They make you feel guilty: If you are being emotionally manipulated, you will feel guilty about your actions most of the time. You may find yourself yielding to your partners’ whims and fancies even if you did not want to initially. For example, you plan to spend the weekend with your friends, but your partner says they will be lonely and miserable while you go out and have fun. This kind of response may make you feel guilty for hurting your partner, and you may end up canceling your plans.
2. They make you lose your sense of self: Excessive pressure from a partner to conform to their wishes and desires can indicate manipulation in a relationship. You start to lose your sense of individuality, identity, and freedom. You become a puppet of your partner’s wishes and bidding, discarding your opinions and interests (3).
3. They give you the silent treatment: Also known as ‘stonewalling,’ it is a form of punishment where your partner stops conversing or communicating with you if they are unhappy with something (4). They will continue to give you the silent treatment until you give in to their demands. A power imbalance in a relationship can be a warning sign of manipulation, where one partner exerts control over the other and uses their position to manipulate their decisions and actions.
4. They isolate you from others: A manipulative partner will separate you from the people you love, so they become the sole person you depend on (5). They may also isolate you if your family and friends dislike them because of their manipulative behavior.
5. They make you apologize all the time: Manipulators often try to blame you or someone else for something they did. They play the victim card to justify their actions and make you feel guilty to gain sympathy and attention. For instance, if your partner forgets to do something and you bring it up, they might say, “I have so much stress in my life, and you are making me feel like a bad person.” They make you feel the need to apologize and comfort them.
6. They use your insecurities against you: Manipulation stems from deceit, so it is no surprise if the manipulator uses your insecurities to make fun of you. They know your vulnerabilities and use them to cripple your self-confidence. These hurtful remarks will be masked as attempts at jokes or humor. For example, if you are self-conscious about your body and have confided in your partner about it, they might use your insecurities to crack jokes at your expense. When confronted, they will call you sensitive for not understanding the humor.
7. They twist facts and words: Manipulators are good liars. They employ deception whenever they can. They can exaggerate or play down a situation to their advantage to gain the sympathy and support of other people (6). They will change the narrative, shift the focus of the discussion, and give you different versions of events, making you doubt yourself. They will change their words from time to time, saying something today and then denying it a few days later.
8. They don’t respect your boundaries: Manipulative people do not care about other people’s boundaries. They disregard their partner’s feelings and make it all about themselves. For instance, when you ask your partner for space after a long day or tell them you are uncomfortable with public displays of affection, they might guilt-trip you into giving them attention by saying, “Why do you need space from me? Do you not love me anymore?”
9. They make you prove your love: Time and again, a manipulative partner will make you prove your love for them. It can vary from little requests to dramatic gestures that would trigger your feelings of guilt and emotions into doing something they want. It could stem from jealousy or possessiveness too. Your partner might accuse you of being interested in someone else and test your loyalty by asking you to block them. They might also ask you to buy expensive gifts or do something in public, which you may not be comfortable with, to make them feel special.
10. They use fear to control you: A manipulator uses fear and intimidation to blackmail you emotionally. They can use whatever private information they have about you and threaten you so that you will comply with their demands (5). Your partner might bring up your past mistakes or personal secrets, control you financially, or threaten to leave or harm themselves to force you to stay in the relationship.
11. They overlook your problems: Whenever you try to share what you’re going through with a manipulative partner, they will bring up similar instances and compare their experience with yours. They will steal the spotlight, forcing you to focus on their problem, not yours. For example, you might be talking about how tough your work day was or how anxious you have been lately, and they will dismiss your troubles by saying, “I’ve had it way worse! You have no idea what real stress or anxiety is like, but you don’t see me complaining!”
12. They change topics when it suits them: Manipulative people never take accountability for any wrongs they have committed. If you try to call a manipulator out, they will immediately change the topic of conversation to avoid the blame and shift the blame onto you or someone else. They might accuse you and bring up past issues to regain control over you. This makes it difficult to solve any issues healthily (7).
13. They exercise threats: Manipulative partners can use overt acts such as threats to ensure things go their way. They may threaten to divorce, leave you and your family, harm your pet, or even threaten to self-harm, which may cause you to give in to their demands. They use your love and emotional connection to gain control over you (8).
14. They react dramatically: Manipulative people will want all the attention and focus on themselves. If something does not go their way, they find it challenging to manage their emotions. This causes them to throw tantrums and become agitated and aggressive. For example, if you cancel a plan due to work, they might have an outburst about how you don’t value them and always ruin everything for them.
15. They use kindness as a weapon: A manipulative partner may be kind to you but with the wrong intentions. They only do nice for you because they expect something in return. They may also use kindness to shape or turn you into someone they want you to be.
16. They use passive aggression: A manipulator often avoids confrontation or directly addressing a concern. They do not express their feelings and often try to change the topic while having a serious discussion. They express their thoughts indirectly, often using their friends or others to get their aggressive message delivered to you. Sarcasm can be another way of expressing their passive-aggression. They want to exert control over you in a less recognizable way and may make you wonder what’s wrong by making childish or suggestive expressions. The key is to identify these behaviors early and ward off his pursuits by setting clear boundaries.

Be watchful

Manipulation has four stages; flattery, isolation, devaluing and gaslighting, and fear or violence. Identify this pattern early and save yourself from emotional turmoil.

Common Tactics Of Manipulation In A Relationship

A manipulator uses various tactics and mind games to get what they want from their victim. They are cunning and know what to do to manipulate their partner. These tactics can be subtle or direct, making it difficult to recognize them immediately. From guilt-tripping and gaslighting to playing the victim and shifting blame, manipulators know how to twist situations to maintain power.

1. Gaslighting: It is one of the most common forms of manipulation. A manipulator distorts their victim’s reality and makes them question their understanding and experience of certain situations. If your partner repeatedly lies to you and you question your knowledge of what happened, they are probably gaslighting you into believing their version of events (9). Withholding information is another common tactic used in manipulative relationships.
2. Love bombing: It is another form of manipulation involving excessive attention, compliments, time, or gifts. They will use these gifts or romantic claims as baggage to justify their maleficent behavior. This is all done during the early stages of the relationship to gain affection, intimacy, and trust, but later on, it might slowly turn into emotional abuse (10).

3. Triangulation: It is the act of involving another person in a discussion or argument. The manipulator intends to gain the third person’s support to silence you and your views (11). If this is done repeatedly, the victim eventually stops arguing or questioning the manipulator. Triangulation can also make the victim feel isolated, increasing their dependency on the manipulator.
4. Projection: It is a defense mechanism that a manipulator uses to put you in a bad light. Projection is transferring a person’s unpleasant feelings, characteristics, or desires to another person to avoid how it makes them feel or look.
5. Name calling: It is a tactic that manipulative people commonly use to make their partners feel inferior and worthless. It is a form of abuse that attacks their behavior, actions, or personality traits using derogatory words. It may begin as a joke, starting less noticeably, but it will continue to intensify if not stopped.

Dealing With Manipulation In Relationships

For healthy relationships, couples need to make a certain level of compromise and sacrifices for each other. But if you find yourself over-compromising all the time, it’s time to back away from that relationship and stand your ground against your partner’s manipulation.

1. The first step is to recognize your partner’s manipulative behaviors. For this, you must be conscious, self-aware, and think objectively.
2. Then you must have the courage to call or confront them about their behavior. But be prepared as they may further try to manipulate you (1).
3. You must be specific while confronting your partner and addressing the issue. Do not let them stray the conversation to some other topic (1).
4. Openly communicate your emotions to them, expressing your honest feelings when they use guilt-tripping, threats, or mocking your insecurities as manipulative tactics (1).
5. Boundaries should be set to avoid being manipulated. It shows the other person what you will and won’t tolerate. You can also set boundaries for yourself to ensure that the treatment you are receiving is acceptable.
6. If your partner pushes these boundaries and starts abusing you, consider calling it quits.
7. When things go beyond your control, and you cannot cope with your manipulative relationship anymore, seek professional help. A counselor or therapist can give you advice and support to navigate your relationship and set healthy boundaries.

Infographics: Phrases A Manipulative Partner May Use

Manipulators have a way with words that can make you feel guilty, and you can’t say no to their requests. But if you know some of the most common phrases that manipulators use, you may identify the behavior and avoid being manipulated. Check out the infographic to know the common phrases used by a manipulative partner.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: Warning Signs Of Manipulation In A Relationship

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team

Take a look at this video to understand the ten essential signs which indicate that you are being manipulated and what to do about it.

Was this article helpful?

Community Experiences

Join the conversation and become a part of our nurturing community! Share your stories, experiences, and insights to connect with fellow parents.

Reviewer Author Editor Fact Checker

Amira MartinLicensed Clinical Social Worker

Amira Martin is a licensed clinical social worker practicing in New York. Having done her master’s degree from the Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College in 2002, she gained over 20 years of experience working with adults and children.

Read full bio of Amira Martin

Benidamika J LatamMA, MSc

Benidamika holds a masters degree in Counseling Psychology from Assam Don Bosco University and another masters degree in English Literature from North Eastern Hill University. At MomJunction, Benidamika writes on human psychology and relationships.

Read full bio of Benidamika J Latam

Siddharth KesirajuMA, Certification in Relationship Coaching

Siddharth holds a certification in Relationship Coaching and a masters degree in communication and journalism from the University of Hyderabad. He has around seven years of experience in various fields of writing and editing.

Read full bio of Siddharth Kesiraju

Apoorva KMSc (Counseling Psychology)

Apoorva is a certified psychological counselor and NLP practitioner. The assistant professor-turned-writer believes that her experience as a teacher, psychologist, and researcher enables her to guide MomJunction readers on child development and mental health.

Read full bio of Apoorva K