When there is trouble in your marriage, you tend to disagree or fight with your partner frequently. You may even think about divorce at some point, but may not be sure if that is the solution. What you do know is that you need a break from your marriage.
A trial separation can give you that break because taking a break could be a sensible option before coming to any conclusion about your marriage. But what is trial separation, and how does it work? We’ll tell you about it in this MomJunction post.
What Is Trial Separation?
It is a non-formal agreement between a married couple to stay separately, away from one another for a while. It can help the spouses get some time alone to de-clutter their minds and think calmly about the future of their relationship. A trial separation is usually considered as the first step towards divorce, although the partners could change their minds and reunite.
Trial separation could be the right solution when a couple is going through a difficult time together.
During a trial separation, the ownership of the property remains the same. The marital status of the couple also remains the same as before, which means they are still legally married. The terms of separation usually depend on the couple and can be mentioned in the agreement to avoid misunderstandings later. The terms could also include the time that the children spend with each parent.
Trial Separation Checklist: What To Do?
A trial separation may not be as complicated as the final separation or a divorce, but it still involves certain arrangements that aren’t easy. It is important to know and understand how it works to ensure it goes on smoothly without any major hurdles. Here are some essential points to remember when you are preparing yourself for a trial separation.
1. Sort your finances
If you and your spouse have been married for a long time, then it is likely that your finances are joint. So, when you plan for a trial separation, you need to sort this matter in advance.
- Decide who is going to manage specific expenses.
- If a spouse requires monthly maintenance, then fix that amount as well.
- You may have these terms in writing or in an informal agreement to avoid any misses or mix-ups when you are separated.
2. Make your living arrangements
You might wonder – can you continue living in the same house during a trial separation? That should be decided based on the following points.
- Decide who is staying at home and who is moving out: if both of you are going to live in the same house but in different rooms, or one of you is going to rent a space for a while, and who pays the rent.
- Moving away could be easier if there are no children involved. But if you have children, then you should think about them as well before making a choice.
3. Make proper arrangements for your children
When you have children, you have to be extra cautious about making important decisions, for children may experience deteriorated daily functioning with the parents separation.
- If they are too young and the problem between you and your spouse is not major, then you may want to stay under one roof.
- But if you have decided to stay separately, then you should explain to your child or children (if they are old enough to understand) about what is happening. Ensure that there is nothing to worry about.
- Plan such that both the parents get to spend time with the kids.
- Decide where the children are going to stay and who is going to manage their financial responsibilities.
- Establish terms and grounds, put them in writing, and move ahead. Just make sure you are not neglecting your children in any case.
4. Focus on yourself
A trial separation is all about staying separately. There is no dependency on each other, so make sure that you have made arrangements for yourself.
- Create a separate bank account, and don’t share your pins or passwords.
- Make a list of important documents such as marriage certificate and financial documents. Get their copies and keep them safe with you.
- You can change the passwords of your social media handles and bank accounts. Keep doing things that can make you independent.
Pros And Cons Of A Trial Separation
A trial separation might give you an idea of what to do with your marriage, but it comes with its pros and cons.
- One of the major advantages of a trial separation is that it gives you some hope to save your marriage, besides the alone time and the much-needed space to think and analyze your relationship. You also get the freedom to look at your life from a different angle. And if there is love between you two, then you might even come up with solutions to restart the relationship on a positive note.
- During a trial separation, you are on your own and can learn about managing finances, household chores, and other responsibilities all by yourself. This helps you become independent and strong.
- Trial separation might give you enough time to make sensible decisions. Your emotions may not overpower your decision-making abilities, and you can think practically.
- You think of a trial separation only because your marriage is not doing well. There are constant fights, arguments, and disagreements. But a little space and time may end all the negativity, and you may be at peace for a while.
- A trial separation is inexpensive compared to other legal procedures. You only have to bear your own expenses and not worry about your spouse’s expenses, unless agreed to it.
- It also prevents you from making hasty decisions that you may regret later. In the meantime, you can go for couple’s counseling. But counseling can be more beneficial if taken before separation.
- One of the major hassles of a trial separation is breaking the news to the children. Children are very sensitive to stressors on parents, which may transmit distress to them and develop symptoms if not addressed appropriately.
- There is hardly any communication when you are physically separated. Although it is temporary, there is an odd chance that it may become permanent. The gap between the spouses could widen, and they might choose to stay separated.
- There are no financial benefits in a trial separation. If one spouse is unemployed or has limited finances, then they have to either manage it alone or be dependent on their spouse.
- Every couple’s story is different. For some, the trial separation might work well and could lead to a reunion. But for others, it might bring up stronger reasons to get divorced.
How To Survive A Trial Separation?
Trial separation only gives you some time to make a sound decision, but not necessarily one that favors the relationship. The period of separation itself may be difficult to survive initially, even though it can give you some clarity. Here are a few tips to help you get through it.
1. Establish ground rules
While it is not necessary, a trial separation period might work better with some rules to follow by the spouses. These rules may or may not prevent divorce, but they can minimize the misunderstandings. Have rules for when to communicate and what topics you can talk about (finances, children, etc.) and so on. Both partners should ensure adherence to the rules for the period to get over smoothly.
2. Set the trial separation period
How long should the trial separation last? This is one of the common questions couples may ask. The break should be neither too short nor too long. It is temporary and should last about three to six months, based on what the partners agree. If the time frame is short, you might not be able to think or come to a proper consensus. And if it is too long, then there is a chance that you could get used to staying separate and may eventually want to get divorced.
3. Seek help from outside
If you need help, you may reach out to your parents, family members, or friends. You don’t necessarily need to take care of it all by yourself. Talk to them about your plan and how they can help you get through the period. If you are not comfortable talking to your immediate family or friends, then you may talk to a professional counselor.
4. Evaluate your goals
While one spouse may be leaning towards a happy marriage, the other could be negative and plan a divorce. So before separating, talk to each other and determine if the separation is even necessary. And then, get in touch in between the separation period and know if you both are moving towards a similar goal or in the opposite direction.
Do You Need A Separation Agreement In A Trial Separation?
Ideally, there is no need to involve courts for a trial separation. The rules of agreement depend on the couple. If you are okay with an oral agreement and come to terms verbally about the living arrangements, finances, and children, then you may go ahead.
But if you are not sure of what might happen and want to be on the safe side, then you can mention every detail in an informal agreement. Both spouses can sign it for approval.
Think, take suggestions, talk to people, but make sure that the final decision is all yours. Don’t let other’s thoughts overpower you or pressure you into making a decision. Listen to them, but think about yourself and your happiness. Whatever you choose, make sure you are comfortable with the decision because the relationship won’t last even if one of the partners is unhappy.
Do you have any experiences to share about trial separation? Please share in the comment section below.