12 Examples Of Unhealthy Boundaries With Ex-Wife

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Marriage is not always a bed of roses. It may often go through bad patches, and if you fail to sort out things with your partner, separation can be the only solution. If your divorce was not too nasty, you could be friends, but it is also imperative to set healthy boundaries with your ex-wife. This is especially important if you both are in another relationship post-divorce.

Here we have listed several examples of unhealthy boundaries that can help you learn to behave yourself after separation.

Examples Of Unhealthy Boundaries With Ex-Wife

Detaching from your ex-wife after divorce can be tough. So, watch out for these unhealthy boundaries that can add to the woes and make life difficult for both.

1. Interfering in her life

When your marriage comes to an end, you should accept that you no longer have a say in your ex-wife’s life. So don’t interfere in her life and try to influence her. Instead, respect her freedom and choices and leave things to her discretion.

2. Contacting her too often

While it is okay to call up your ex-wife once in a while to share important life updates, maintaining excessive contact can cause troubles, especially when they are in another relationship or marriage. So stop contacting your ex-wife too often and maintain limited contact.

3. Approaching her during trouble

During difficulties, your ex-wife may have been your pillar of support and go-to person. However, turning to them when in trouble and seeking their advice may not go well and worsen things.

4. Stalking her/not stopping her from stalking you

You might be curious to know how your ex-wife is living without you, but that is not an excuse to stalk them. Stalking can be anything from inquiring about her personal life from your common friend or excessive interest in seeing their status updates on social media. Similarly, not stopping your ex-wife from stalking can also invite rifts in your new relationship.

5. Turning your children against her

If you and your ex-wife are co-parenting, trying to turn your children against your ex-wife is unfair. Although you both are not on good terms, speaking ill of them to your children may do no good for you or your children. On the other hand, it can agitate your children’s minds and can harm their lives. Hence, you should never talk negatively about your ex to children.

6. Asking her for sex

Filling the void of your ex-wife after the separation may not always be easy. Your love life may turn upside down post-divorce, and you may miss the romantic moments you have shared with her. However, it’s a big no to ask them for sex, whether you both are single or in another relationship. Having sex with your ex-wife can only push you into despair and prevent you from recovering from the separation.

7. Indulging in financial affairs

You or your ex-wife may be going through a financial crisis. However, don’t turn up to them to seek financial assistance unless it is an absolute necessity. If you were doing business together before the divorce, set healthy boundaries and respect them.

8. Frequenting her home/workplace

You and your ex-wife can remain good friends even after the divorce. However, frequenting their home or workplace could create confusion and apprehension in their partner’s minds. Similarly, if you are already in another relationship, your partner may not often appreciate visiting your ex-wife. It may prompt them to think that you and your ex-wife haven’t moved on and still maintain a romantic affair.

9. Talking about personal matters

Maintaining a good friendship with your ex-wife is a goal for many people. However, don’t use that opportunity to discuss personal matters or your current relationship. Don’t turn to them for their advice when something goes wrong in your relationship, or don’t talk about your romantic life with them. Keep your matters with yourself, and don’t encourage any conversation regarding your new relationship.

10. Speaking ill of her

Your ex-wife may have treated you badly and done terrible things to you. However, that doesn’t give you the license to speak ill of her with your common friends or colleagues. Blaming your ex-wife for the separation and resorting to cheap personal attacks will not heal your pain or earn the sympathy of others. On the contrary, it will only make your life miserable and toxic.

11. Not cooperating with children’s custody

Staying on good terms with your ex-wife is more important when children are involved. So be responsible when you are co-parenting and don’t make last-minute changes to the custody schedule. Instead, pick your children as per the schedule and hand them over to your ex-wife in time if she has custody of your children.

12. Trying to draw her back to your life

Your marriage must have failed for obvious reasons, and you both decided to part ways after much deliberation. Hence, trying to draw your ex-wife back into your life can put you both in a tricky situation. While it is okay to give your relationship a second chance when you both are sure about that, trying to woo your ex-wife when she doesn’t feel the same can take a toll on both of your lives.

Dealing with unhealthy boundaries with your ex-wife can be quite draining. They can put you in the same toxic cycle that once made your life hard. So, watch out for the above practices and set the right boundaries for the emotional well-being of you and your ex-wife. You can therefore attain peace of mind and sound mental health.

Key Pointers

  • Healthy boundaries are necessary to maintain healthy relationships between former partners.
  • Abstain from everyday phone conversations and messages and do not interfere in your ex-wife’s personal life.
  • Stay in touch only if you are confident that your past won’t affect your life.

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Ellen J.W. Gigliotti

(LMFT)
Ellen J.W. Gigliotti is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner of a private practice therapy group in Pennsylvania, US. A former journalist, Ellen is also a writer currently finalizing her first book, a supervisor of other therapists and a marriage and sex therapist with over 20 years experience. She loves dogs, travel and books, and is looking... more

Akshay Nair

Akshay is an associate editor and former journalist with over three years of experience. A post graduate in Mass Communication and Journalism, he has strong professional and academic background in the field of content writing and editing. He is also a Certified Relationship Workshop Facilitator for Life Coaches. Akshay interned and worked with various newspapers and the Public Relations Department... more

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