Table Of Content:
- What Is Helicopter Parenting?
- Who Is A Helicopter Parent?
- Warning Signs You Might Be A Helicopter Parent
- Why Do Parents Hover?
- What Are The Effects Of Overprotective Parenting?
- How To Avoid Helicopter Parenting?
- Helicopter Parenting Examples
You do your child’s homework. You decide with whom she needs to make friends, and go behind her every time she steps out of the house. In short, you are a micromanaging parent, who is shadowing over your kid. Check if you tick these for yourself:
- Doing for a child what he/she can actually do for herself.
- Influencing the child to work as per your ambitions.
- Taking parenting decisions that suit your ego.
If you have ticked them, then you are a helicopter parent. But why do parents hover over their kids? What is this helicopter parenting style all about? Momjunction helps you understand all about it, and help you know if you, by any chance, fall into this category. Also, at the end, do not forget to read some unbelievable real-life examples of helicopter parenting.
What Is Helicopter Parenting?
Helicopter parenting is a style of parenting where parents over focus on their children and keep hovering around them to help even for a simple thing, says Carolyn Daitch, Ph.D, director at the Center for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders in the US. She adds that these parents take over the responsibility for their child’s experiences, success, and failure.
The phrase ‘helicopter parent’ first appeared in 1969 in the book Between Parent & Teenager by Dr. Haim Ginott (1).
The term entered the dictionary in the year 2011. It is also known by the terms cosseting parent, lawnmower parent or bulldoze parent (2).
Psychologist Ann Dunnewold calls it over parenting, which means over controlling, over protecting and over perfecting a child’s life.
[ Read: How To Be A Better Parent ]
Who Is A Helicopter Parent?
This term may often be applied to parents of college or high school students who interfere and help their children more than what is necessary. It can be calling a lecturer to talk about poor performance, managing exercise habits or deciding on the child’s hobbies.
Helicopter parenting applies to any age. During toddlerhood, the parent steers the child’s behavior and does not give the kid a chance to learn through her experiences.
In elementary school, the parent selects the child’s coach, her friends, and activities.
8 Warning Signs You Might Be A Helicopter Parent:
If you are nodding to most of these practices, then you might want to move away from your helicopter parenting style.
- You negotiate for your child’s conflicts.
- You do their academic works.
- You train your child’s trainers.
- You stick with your kids even if it is a short walk away.
- You hold the responsibility for all your child’s house chores.
- You shield them from failure.
- You don’t allow them to tackle their problems.
- You don’t allow them to make age appropriate choices.
[ Read: Bad Parenting ]
Why Do Parents Hover?
You may be following the helicopter style knowingly or unknowingly out of sheer love and concern for your child. Subconsciously, you might be having more than one reason for doing so. Here are four reasons why parents develop helicopter parenting:
1. Fear of terrible outcomes:
You worry about your child’s possible failures. You believe that your involvement can help your child avoid a low grade in school or disappointment in life. However, when the parent directs the child’s behavior and does not give any alone time, it could lead to low self-esteem, stress, lack of coping skills, unhappiness, and struggle in children.
2. Anxiety about the world:
Your anxiety about the economy and the world in general can make you take over control of the child in an attempt to overprotect them. According to Dr. Daitch, “Worry can drive parents to take control of their children to keep them from being disappointed or hurt.” (3)
Parents who were neglected, ignored and unloved during their childhood try to be over-careful with their children. They pay excess attention and monitoring to make sure that their children do not feel the way they did in their childhood.
4. Influence of other parents:
Parents might sometimes get influenced by other micromanaging parents. According to Dr.Daitch, when we observe others overparenting, it pressurizes us to be like them. It also makes us feel that we are bad parents. Guilt is, of course, a large component working.
[ Read: Parenting Problems And Solutions ]
What Are The Effects Of Overprotective Parenting?
Helicopter parents start being overprotective with a genuine intention. But in the process of engaging with kids and their lives, they lose the actual perspective of what they want. Though this parenting has some advantages for the child like building self-confidence, increased emotions of love and acceptance and opportunities to excel, it has got its downsides:
1. Low self-esteem and confidence:
Helicopter parenting backfires! The over involvement of the parent makes the child believe that their parents will not trust them if they do something independently. The child loses trust in themselves as the parents do not trust them. It, therefore, leads to lack of self-esteem and confidence.
2. Immature coping skills:
When the parent is always there to prevent the problem at first sight or clean up the mess, the child can never learn through failure, disappointment or loss. Studies also reveal that hover parents can make their kids less competent in dealing with tensions and pressures of life.
Helicopter parenting increases a child’s depression and anxiety levels. They can adapt similar anxiety from the parent if the parents are anxious. For example, if the parent is anxious about the child walking down the street alone, the child might develop the same fears.
4. Sense of entitlement complex:
When parents involve in their child’s academic, social and athletic lives, children get accustomed to always having their parents to fulfill their needs. This makes them demanding as they feel that it is their right to have what they want.
5. Underdeveloped life skills:
Children refuse to learn basic life skills such as packing lunches, tying shoe lace, cleaning the mess, laundering clothes and cooking a meal. They won’t develop good coping skills either. Sometimes, by failing in life/experiencing adversities, children naturally learn coping skills on their own. If the parents consistently attempt to protect children from adverse life experiences, they won’t have the opportunity to develop coping skills for when they become adults, or when the parents aren’t there to protect them from pain/hurt.
[ Read: Free-Range Parenting ]
How To Avoid Helicopter Parenting?
Make a conscious effort to avoid or stop practising certain things. This will go a long way in bringing up an independent child:
1. Stop hovering over your child:
Do not make a habit to dress your child or tie their shoes when they can do by themselves. Avoid holding them back from doing things that suit their age. It is not a good idea to get too involved in the child’s activities, like answering questions on her behalf or talking to teachers incessantly about your child’s performance.
If she is not able to make decisions, try not to bounce over her. Instead give time and let her reason for herself. Let her feel the pain and discomfort as it is a part of the child’s growing up. Do not protect her from hardships or struggles. Children cannot learn if parents do for them always.
2. Do not take your worries over your child.
Do not focus on how your child throughout the day and imagine the worst consequences. Let go of all those negative thoughts such as: “What would she become when she grows up?” “Is her shyness because of lack of confidence?” Also, avoid interrogating her when you are anxious by asking: “Are you fine?” “Is it looking awkward?” “Are you sure?” “Can you handle it?”
Do not search for evidence to confirm your worries about your kid.
3. Refrain from obliging.
Do not be very emotional with your child. If you are too obliging to her, she will take undue advantage of it.
4. Stop labeling your child.
Be it positive or negative, do not label your child. Do not keep telling her that she is the “funny one” or “pretty one” or “lazy one” or “the one who turns out to be just like dad”. Also avoid saying them, “You always…” or “You never…”. Words have power, therefore do not make any negative assumptions about your child’s behavior.
5. Do not get offended if your child chooses a different path.
If you try getting into your child’s head, she will not be able to perceive her dreams and thoughts. If you feel she is thinking differently from you, do not argue about it. Instead, give her a chance to explore. Do not stop her when she is giving out the opinions which are far different from what you have. Realize that your child is not a version of yourself but they are their own person with their own goals, feelings, thoughts, values, hopes and dreams.
6. Don’t shift your entire focus on the child and forget your hardships.
This can be tough for the parents. Do not get so engrossed in your child’s life that you neglect your life. Do not worry about her so much that you stop thinking about your work, interests and relationships.
If you are still wavering about your need to change, then we bring you some effal data to support our argument.
[ Read: Signs Of Narcissistic Parents ]
DID YOU KNOW?
- Statistical studies show kids who walked or biked on their own to school dropped from 48% to 13% from the year 1969 to 2009.
- The US Collegiate Employment Research Institute (CERI) (4) has found in a survey that 40% of parents collected information on company websites, 31% submitted resumes on behalf of their student, 26% promoted their student for a position, 12% made interview arrangements, and 4% attended their student’s job interview.
- Another helicopter parenting statistics show that – out of 100,000 college going students – 84% were overwhelmed with responsibilities, 60.5% were sad, 57% were lonely, 51% were anxious and 4% committed suicide.
- Girls (13%) are typically hovered more than boys (5%), with moms being the principal helicoptering parent.
- Helicopter parenting is associated with over engagement in risky behaviors such as smoking and drinking.
[ Read: Tips For Conscious Parenting ]
Real-life Examples Of Helicopter Parenting:
Picked from a Reddit thread, here are some real-life examples which will help you understand what overprotective parenting is all about.
1. A psychopathic mom who did not give space to her daughter.
There was a 14-year-old girl who took a long time to finish her bath. Her mother stood outside the door for so long and finally yells, “What is taking you too long, did you wrap the toilet paper as I have shown you, or you want me to come and show you again? Why have you locked the door? Open it!”
Not surprisingly, the entire family who was having a Thanksgiving dinner, stared at the mother in shock. They could hear the girl cry in the bathroom.
2. Mother fills out the application.
Mom filled out an application for the daughter to go to her alma mater. She also writes a personal statement along with an essay to receive the acceptance letter.
3. A mom who brings lunch for her kid.
There was an Italian family. The mother would go to the school every day to give him pasta for lunch. She would even make him sit along with her and not leave until he finishes the food.
4. The parents who shielded their son from every petty thing.
There is this guy who cannot hang out with his friends past seven o’ clock. His parents would not allow him to use a phone and worst of all, he is jobless until he turned 21. He is afraid of talking with others. They refuse to allow him to drive that he failed his driving test.
5. Communication through a walkie-talkie.
A mother gives her eight-year-old son a walkie-talkie when he goes to his friend’s house for playing. The mother then sits in the front portico and checks in now and then.
6. The worst helicopter parents that anyone can witness.
There was a babysitter for kids whose parents had very strict schedules. They had to know every silly thing about their children – their eating, sleeping and even shitting pattern. The babysitter had to collect shit samples to show to the parents. She had to prepare the food the same way as told.
7. Parents guilt trip their son for not calling them over the phone.
One guy of 32 years old used to call his parents every day and describe all about his day. One day, he could not call his parents because of network issues, and when he calls them the next day, they guilt trip him saying how irresponsible he was and his mother also turned sick.
There is no doubt that you would want the best for your child. But you cannot become so obsessive that you take over the life-steering from her hands. Be there for your child, she needs your help. But do not be her shadow, she would not want that. Allow your kids to face consequences, make their mistakes and solve their problems.
[ Read: Democratic Parenting ]
What do you think you are – a helicopter parent or a regular parent? Do share your experiences and thoughts if any in the comment section.
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