'Why Can't I Find Love': 15 Reasons You Might Be Struggling

✔ Research-backed

Your search for true love has been so long that you sometimes develop self-doubt. You have been in several relationships, but somehow, nothing worked out, and you could not find your soulmate. It feels the harder you try, the farther you get away from a deep connection, leaving an obvious question, “Why can’t I find love?”

Love is a truly magical feeling that everyone wants to experience, and not finding it can be disheartening. It’s possible that the timing is not right. However, there might be other factors impeding your chances of finding that “perfect partner.” Read on to find some reasons you might be struggling to find the perfect one for yourself.

In This Article

Why Can’t I Find Love: 15 Compelling Reasons You Might Be Struggling

We all dream about finding true love and getting our ‘happily ever after’ inspired by romantic movies and books. But sometimes few aspects could become obstacles in this journey. Here are 15 reasons why you are unable to find the love of your life.

1. You are still not over your past relationship

You are still hung up over your ex

Image: IStock

Before getting into any new relationship, it is essential to let go of your past. If you are still hung up over your ex, it will be difficult for new love to find its way to you. Reminiscing about your ex and comparing every potential date with them can ruin your chances of any new relationship.

Conversely, if your previous relationship ended on a sour note, it will take time to heal and get over the heartbreak and trauma. Jumping into something when you are still in pain and are still in the process of healing may not be a good idea. Take some time to process your past, practice forgiveness, and try moving on. You need to be mentally ready to find love. Focus on yourself, and then start afresh with a clean slate.

Dona Mwiria, a writer, opens up about her heart-wrenching love story, revealing how a past relationship left her emotionally scarred and led to her withdrawing from meaningful connections out of fear of more pain. She shares, “Six years ago, I went through my worst breakup, one that changed the trajectory of my life and almost destroyed it. Without getting into too much detail, I dealt with a narcissist. The worst kind.

That experience made me skeptical of every man that approached me. They all seemed to have bad intentions. Eager to protect myself and my heart, I raised my guard. ‘There was no way I was ever going through that again,’ I told myself (i).”

2. You are seeking perfection 

No human being or relationship is perfect. All the dreamy pictures you see online do not convey reality. In every relationship, issues and disagreements are common. You two may not see eye to eye on several matters. The person you are dating will have some flaws, and you have them too. What you see in romantic movies is fiction, a glorified representation of relationships. If you keep comparing yourself to these ideals, then you are setting yourself for failure.

3. You are chasing the wrong people 

Do you go for people who are serial cheaters or committed to someone else? Are you attracted to an emotionally unavailable person? Do you usually get attached to people who are not interested in a committed relationship?

If getting involved with unsuitable partners is a pattern with you, it is time to look into yourself and figure out why you set yourself up for disappointments. Understanding yourself better will help in your personal growth.

If you want to find love, you need to look for it in the right place. Going for the wrong people who are scared of commitments will only take you farther away from love.

4. You are too dependent 

You want to spend every waking minute with your partner

Image: IStock

Whenever you get into a relationship, you completely lose yourself. You want to spend every waking minute with your partner, and time apart makes you feel low. As the relationship progresses, you start relying on them for every little thing. You often seek validation from them and fear that they might leave you.

Such neediness is a sign of low self-esteem and insecurity. It is toxic behavior that pushes away potential partners. Working on your self-worth and insecurities will increase your chances of finding love.

protip_icon Point to consider
If you experience self-doubt, bring them into conscious awareness and practice positive affirmations. It will deprogram negative beliefs and make you feel confident at the core.

5. Your happiness depends on finding love 

A person can be happy only when they find happiness within themselves. Looking for love with the thought that it will make you happy is wrong. If you link your joy to any particular person, it will make you miserable in the long run.

Find your happiness internally. Eat well, pamper yourself, invest time in your hobbies, and focus on your mental health. You will automatically start feeling joyful and content. The positivity will reflect in your personality and might attract the right person for you.

6. You can’t handle rejections 

It is important to develop resilience in the face of rejection, especially when it comes to dating. It is not easy to face rejection, especially from a person you like. But in the course of finding love, there will be several rejections on the way. If you stop making an effort due to the fear of rejection, it will be challenging for you to date people. Do not let fear stop you from meeting your true love. Keep up your self-confidence and optimism, and learn something from every rejection. If you keep trying, you might soon find someone who was meant for you.

7. You have different priorities

 You might have different priorities at the moment.

Image: IStock

Finding love might not be the current focus of your life. You might have different priorities at the moment. These can be things such as building a successful career, earning money, spending time with friends, traveling around the world, or partying hard.

When you are occupied with other stuff, all your energy and time are invested in them. Finding love moves to the back burner. So ask yourself, is love your main priority right now? Even if it is not, that’s okay. Don’t bow down to society’s pressure and stress yourself because people say it is high time you find love.

8. You are too possessive

While it is okay to be attached to your partner, getting possessive about them is not healthy. Stalking your partner on social media, continually checking their whereabouts, forcing your will on them, and dictating whom they meet and what they should do are all signs of possessive behavior and shows a lack of trust. It could be suffocating for your partner. Every person needs space and freedom. Controlling someone is a way to kill love. Trusting your partner is key to a successful relationship.

9. You are not making any efforts to find love 

You believe that love automatically finds its way. So, you wait for destiny to give you “the one” without putting in any effort. While you may run into your dream person on the road or meet them at your workplace, why not try from your end too? Keep in mind the saying, “God helps only those who help themselves,” and start looking out.

Register on the dating apps, join clubs, attend parties, meet plenty of people and go on trips. Make an effort to look presentable. If you see someone you like, make a move. Don’t wait for them to ask you out. Search for love with perseverance, and who knows, you might find it unexpectedly.

10. You don’t respect your partner 

If you dent their self-respect, it might change their feelings for you.

Image: IStock

Mutual respect is the foundation of every relationship. If you behave rudely or abuse your partner, it will cause irreparable damage to the relationship. Every person values their self-respect, and if you dent that, it might change their feelings for you. No one can stand being belittled, humiliated, or taken advantage of for long. Someday, they will be fed up and walk off.

Accept your mistake and avoid repeating it in your next relationship. Acceptance of what you did wrong is a huge step towards self-improvement. Treat your partner with respect and kindness. Appreciate them, show your gratitude towards them, and make them feel valued.

protip_icon Quick tip
If you’re a woman who cannot find love, stop looking for the ‘Mr. Perfect” and have realistic expectations. Be open to new experiences and have exposure to situations where you can meet like-minded people.

11. You are not sure what you are looking for

You want to find love but have no idea what you are looking for. Every time you start dating someone, you get involved without knowing your expectations and end up breaking it off soon. The qualities you are looking for keep changing considerably, and no person seems to fit the bill. If you don’t know what you are looking for in a potential partner, you might get into a series of wrong relationships.

Sit down and think about what you want from a romantic relationship. Figure out the must-have qualities and the deal-breakers. Remember that along with romance, chemistry and compatibility are also a must-have. When you meet someone new, see if they have the qualities you are searching for. Knowing your requirements will help you find prospects soon.Don’t be afraid to take the time you need for self-discovery, as it will help you in the long run to find a compatible partner.

12. You act too desperate

Waiting to meet the love of your life can become frustrating after a while. You might let go of all your conditions and drop your standards in the hope of finding someone soon. The need can become too intense at some point, making you move too fast in a relationship. You might start thinking about love and marriage immediately after meeting the person. Thedesperate behavior is not attractive and can scare people off. Relax and enjoy the game of attraction and dating. If it has to happen, it will happen. Don’t ruin it by acting desperate.

13. You have emotional issues 

You might be shut off emotionally because you are unable to process the pain.

Image: IStock

Certain ordeals have a long-lasting effect on your psyche. Suffering from abuse might profoundly affect your self-esteem, self-love, and confidence. You might be shut off emotionally because you are unable to process the pain. Exposure to violence in your early years can cause anxiety and aggression. Such sentiments might impact your current relationships and ruin your chances of finding love and forming emotional connections.

Before searching for love, ensure that you are emotionally healthy. Working on oneself and seeking help can help in addressing this vulnerability and becoming emotionally healthy. Learn to love yourself. Being at peace emotionally might help you attract the right person.

14. You pretend to be ideal in a relationship 

When you like a person, you want them to like you back. So, you may present your best version in front of them and also compromise on certain things to look good. While it is not wrong to show off your good side, portraying a fake ideal image can be the biggest issue in the long run. First of all, starting any relationship on a false note is not the right move. The person will fall in love with the personality you have created, not the real you.

Secondly, if it is an act, you will not be able to keep it up for long. Your partner will figure out they have been duped and end the relationship. When in a relationship, show them the amazing person you are but don’t try to hide your shortcomings. The right person will accept and love your weaknesses.

15. You have lost hope 

If you have been looking for a while and haven’t found one, it becomes difficult to remain positive. The loneliness may make you feel sad and hopeless, shaking your faith in finding a partner. Negative thoughts could crowd your mind pulling you down further, and denting your confidence. Every time you get into a relationship, the thought that it won’t work out would be at the back of your mind. You start believing you don’t deserve love, and that perhaps fate is working against you.

If you enter a new relationship with such a mindset, you will come across as cynical and bitter. With an attitude like this, you might end up wrecking the relationship before giving it a fair chance. Being positive and hopeful is crucial in the quest to find love.

The Secret To Finding Love

The secret to finding love lies in self-awareness, openness, and patience. Start by understanding your values, passions, and what you seek in a partner. This self-knowledge guides you in recognizing a compatible match. Embrace vulnerability; it allows genuine connections to form. Be open to different people and experiences, as love often arrives unexpectedly. Cultivate a positive mindset, focusing on your strengths and what you can offer in a relationship. Practice patience; meaningful connections take time to develop. Remember, love is not just about finding the right person but also about being the right person. Finally, balance seeking love and nurturing your well-being, as self-love is the foundation of any healthy relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. How can I increase my chances of finding love?

Some simple and conscious measures may help increase your chances of finding love. Here’s what may work:

  • Stop worrying about not finding love.
  • Work on yourself.
  • Socialize and meet new people.
  • Keep your expectation to practical levels
  • Steer clear of negative and toxic people.
  • Do things that make you happy.

2. What are the chances of being single forever?

According to an estimate made by the Pew Research Center, about 23% of people in the US between the age of 30 and 49 years are single, and at least half of them are looking for a partner. About 62% of these single people have never been married (1). Hence, though there is a chance that you may remain single forever, do not stop looking for love.

3. Is it more challenging for introverts to find love?

Introverts usually prefer to stay isolated and take comfort in their independent behavior. Owing to poor social skills and inability to express themselves, most of them find it difficult to mingle with other people, let alone talk to people of different sex. These might be some of the major concerns for introverts while finding love.

4. What age is the best to find love?

There is no such thing as the best age to find love. It can happen anytime and anywhere and to people of all ages. However, it is believed that a person is matured emotionally and financially by late 20s and early 30s. Hence, this age bracket is ideal when you can understand what love is.

It is not unusual to feel disheartened for not finding love even after a long search. It might be any compelling reasons listed above, like being hungover by your ex, having high expectations, being unable to accept rejections, having different priorities, and not making any serious efforts to find love. Finding love may look like a difficult task, but it is not. You must be patient and persistent in your search. Meanwhile, relax, enjoy yourself, and find happiness within yourself until the right person comes into your life.

Infographic: Questions To Ask Yourself When You Want To Find Love

Finding true love is not easy. You need to have a lot of patience, self-awareness, and a good knowledge of what you are looking for. So if you are struggling with the same, this infographic can help you. Take these questions below to self-reflect; you may understand what you should do to find love as you try to answer these.

self reflecting questions to help you find true love (infographic)

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Key Pointers

  • Being stuck up in the past may be hindering your present love life.
  • Trying to find the perfect match is leading to unnecessary restrictions.
  • You may not be fully aware about what you want from a relationship.
Some thing wrong with illustration image shortcode. please verify shortcode syntax

Are you single and struggling to find deep love in a relationship? Check out this video as Jay Shetty offers valuable insights and guidance to foster meaningful romantic connections.

Personal Experience: Source


MomJunction's articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.
  1. A profile of single Americans.
Was this article helpful?
Like buttonDislike button
The following two tabs change content below.
Wayne J. Ottenbreit

Wayne J. OttenbreitB.A, B.Ed, M.Ed

Wayne trained as a classroom educator for the secondary level before moving to middle years. A career transition in the late 2000s took him from the classroom to working with young people as a guidance counselor and setting up a limited practice as a marriage & family therapist (Vivens Counselling). A further expansion brought his experience as a teacher and...read full bio