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Post wedding, some women may have difficulty adjusting to a new family. If your mother-in-law is being hard on you and disapproving of everything you do, you may wonder, “do I hate my mother-in-law?” The answer lies in the fact that mothers are the most important part of any family, and if she is not convinced that you are a good fit for her child and the family, she might begin showing disgust and agony towards you. Therefore, you may end up having a sense of hatred for her.
But when the two women of a family do not get along, it can create tricky circumstances, eventually leading to unpleasant events.
If you are searching for possible reasons why you hate your mother-in-law, keep reading. You may also find some solutions along the way.
12 Reasons You Might Feel ‘Why I Hate My Mother-In-Law’
Either your mother-in-law is not fond of you, or you feel it in your head. Let’s have a look at the reasons you are unable to get along with her.
1. She is too judgmental of you
Has your mother-in-law ever commented negatively on your cooking skills? Has she openly disapproved of your style? Has she ever corrected your behavior in public? If she nags you constantly for everything you do, it is natural for you to feel annoyed and despise the unwarranted criticism. There could be two reasons—either you are doing something differently than her, intentionally or unintentionally, or it is your mother-in-law.
2. She disapproves of you
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If she is the one deciding where your family should reside, which school your children should go to, or where you should go on a vacation, it shows she is trying to control everything that happens in your family. This could create resentment towards her. You may come to loathe her involvement in your personal matters. Differences could also arise if you come from a different culture and do something that she is unfamiliar with. Also, every household has specific rules, and if you do not follow them or point out flaws or things you don’t like, your mother-in-law may not like it.
Do remember3. She tells you how to raise your children
Her unsolicited parenting advice may irk you. She may be of the assumption that she has a lot more experience than you in raising children. As a parent, you understand what is best for your child, and you want to raise them a certain way and not blindly follow your mother-in-law. If your parenting style is different from hers, her lessons could bother you. You may even detest her well-meaning advice.
4. She blames you for everything that goes wrong
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Your child falls sick, and she blames you for being an irresponsible parent. Your spouse has a minor accident, and she blames you for not taking good care of them. According to your mother-in-law, anything that goes wrong with your family is because of you. It does not matter that you were not remotely connected to any unpleasant incident. If she pushes the blame on you and makes you feel guilty, irrespective if it is your mistake or not, it is obvious your relationship with her will be plagued by acrimony.
Point to consider5. She demands to have a grandchild
You and your partner may be working hard to save money before you start a family. But your mother-in-law wants to see her grandchild as soon as possible. If she pesters you despite knowing your expectations or problems, it could make you abhor her unreasonable demands and dislike her.
6. She plays the victim card
Your mother-in-law may constantly remind you of your shortcomings, and you may put up with her most of the time without any complaints. But sometimes, you may lose your patience and talk back. She may narrate the incident from her perspective to others, making herself seem like the victim. Some people like to play the victim card, unintentionally, only to grab sympathy. Such instances could lead to misunderstandings, making you resent your mother-in-law.
7. She taunts you frequently
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You may come from a different background, and the difference in lifestyle may be why she is unable to accept you as a part of her family. If she taunts you and tries to implement different ways to make you feel like an outsider, it could hurt you, making you dislike her and filling you with rancor.
8. She dismisses you
To bond with your mother-in-law, you may take her out on a shopping trip and help her find a good outfit. But every outfit you select, she rejects it for no reason. Similarly, at family events, if you suggest any dish, she may decline it. When your mother-in-law constantly disregards your ideas, your feeling of repugnance for her is sure to build up and you are likely to abominate her.
9. She compares you with herself
Does your mother-in-law make comparisons of how well she raised her children, while you are unable to? Does she compare her multitasking and house managing skills and belittle your efforts, making you feel like an incapable parent or spouse? If that is so, you may not convince yourself to accept her and love her. However, if your mother-in-law is right that you need to work on yourself, it is better to accept it and know that she is not a bad person, but is trying to help you.
10. She comments on your appearance
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Does your mother-in-law comment about your looks and the way you dress up just to spite you? Does she ask you to glam up or wear different clothes? If she does not refrain from commenting on your flaws, the antagonism can hit your self-esteem and confidence, leaving you with her negativity.
11. She ignores you in front of others
Does she not talk to you at any family gathering? If yes, then there could be two reasons. She is either trying to treat the guests and focusing entirely on them, or giving you the cold shoulder. In case it is the former reason, it is natural for you to feel isolated, which can add to the animosity between you two. If in fact she is trying to play a good hostess, then be careful not to take this personally.
12. She demeans you
Your mother-in-law constantly tells you how she had found a better partner for your spouse. At times, it might not be a comparison but ‘just a story’ to narrate. And it could be unintentional. On the other hand, if you find her exaggerating facts and telling you how your spouse was better off with a much more talented and successful person, it shows she is demeaning you. It could hurt you, which makes an apparent reason for your detestation of such a person.
What To Do When You Hate Your Mother-In-Law?
If your mother-in-law is inconsiderate of your feelings, you are likely to hate her. But hate is a strong emotion that can take a toll on you too. Also, it could be your assumption that your mother-in-law doesn’t like you. Irrespective of what it is, here are some ways that can help you get along with her.
1. Be emphatic and keep yourself from retorting
Imagine yourself in her place and see how you would feel if your child were to share their love with someone other than you. Perhaps your mother-in-law does not want her child to love her less. Hence, she tries to look better than you.
You can hold back from responding or retorting to her jibes. If you stop reacting to her comments or give her time, she might adjust, not comment at all, or even try to be good to you. When you keep yourself from creating drama, she will get to know you better.
2. Talk to your partner and set clear boundaries
When your mother-in-law sees you as a threat to the relationship with her son or daughter, she might try to re-establish her place by interfering in your family matters. You have to be mindful of the ways she tries to grab control of your family. Instead of succumbing to the aversion and giving an extreme reaction, have a word with your partner and ask them what would be the best solution out of this situation.
Create and set firm boundaries required to protect you and your family. Your mother-in-law may offer her suggestions — consider them, and pick the best option. At times, she might be right too. And if you accept her suggestions, she may be happy about it and this could create a new connection. But keep in mind, you do not ever have to take someone’s advice if you do not agree with it to get them to like you, this would be a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
3. Make up your mind on what you can take and what you cannot
To maintain peace in the family, overlook minor remarks. Try to ignore her cold behavior if you think she is overreacting. However, do not let her take you for granted. Talk to her and let her know if something is hurting you — it is better than having wrong assumptions.
Be as cordial as you can with your mother-in-law. She might be mean at times, but your good character could charm her in time. Do not act meek or timid, but let her know that you are not here to fight her but to love her like a family.
Point to consider4. Mend your relationship or keep a safe distance
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You might have started on the wrong footing with your mother-in-law, but it is never too late to start again. Do not treat her with contempt. Instead, be nice to her. Offer to help when you feel she needs it. Once in a while, give in to her wishes to make her happy. Spend some time alone with her without your spouse or children. Speak with her and learn more about her. But if she seems disinterested, back off right away.
When you sense her discomfort or unwillingness to spend time with you, do not push any further. A little cajoling is fine, but do not try too hard to impress her as it can backfire.
5. Accept her the way she is and move on
Sometimes, some people will always be mean to you no matter how hard you try to please them. You can blame it on your stars for not matching with your mother-in-law’s stars. After trying enough, if nothing changes, accept that this is how your relationship will be and that you can’t do much to change it.
Do not stress too much about your mother-in-law disliking you. Instead, focus on keeping your family and yourself happy. Keep minimum contact with your mother-in-law, but do not keep your family from maintaining a good relationship with her. She may be better to them, so do not sabotage their rapport with her.
Kendra Tierney, a blogger and an author, shares how she changed her relationship with her mother-in-law. She says, “I realized that I’m NOT a perfect mother. I make mistakes . . . mistakes a plenty… So, I stopped judging other mothers, especially my mother-in-law. I’ve realized that she did the best she could, just like I’m doing the best I can.
“I’m probably not going to call her on the phone just to chat. But, when I do see her, we can now get along. I no longer feel the need to avoid her or hide from her. I no longer dread visits with every core of my being. Slowly, slowly, things are changing. And the change has mostly been in me (i).”
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Is it okay to stay away from in-laws?
Yes, for several reasons, you and your partner may choose to stay away from your in-laws. Though you are distant, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is hatred in your relationship with them. You may maintain occasional contact and be respectful and polite toward them to keep yourself and your spouse happy.
2. Can in-laws break a marriage?
In some cases, in-laws who are too demanding or meddling might impact your bond with your spouse. It may create difficulties in your married life. In such scenarios, communicating with your spouse and setting your boundaries and priorities right could help you save your marriage.
3. How do I set boundaries with a narcissistic mother-in-law?
Although it may be challenging to deal with a narcissistic mother-in-law, you may follow specific measures, including explaining your thoughts without feeling guilty, setting realistic goals, letting your spouse communicate your issues to her, setting and holding boundaries, and showing her the possible consequences of her actions.
If your mother-in-law dislikes you, there is no reason to fret over it. This post on ‘I hate my mother-in-law’ will help you with tips to deal with this situation and also have a peaceful environment in the house. The revulsion and antipathy may not die down soon so it is better that you accept your relationship with her and move on and try to concentrate on other things in your life. However, do not try to sabotage her relationship with other members of your family, as she might bond better with them. Maintain a cordial and fair image in front of her no matter what the situation, and she will surely reconcile with you after some time.
Infographic: How To Cope With Your Mother-In-Law’s Behavior?
Separate family origins and a generation gap may lead to differences between you and your mother-in-law. However, hatred will negatively affect your well-being and your relationship with your family. The infographic below suggests some more ways to deal with your difficult mother-in-law to maintain peace in the family. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Key Pointers
- Being too judgemental, demeaning you often, and blaming you when things go wrong are some reasons you may hate your mother-in-law.
- However, hate is a strong emotion that harms mental peace.
- Being empathetic, understanding the reason for her behavior, and talking out the differences could help improve your relationship.
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SharePersonal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. When I Didn’t Like My Mother In Law . . . and How I Learned To Get Along Anyway: Mystery Blogger Series;https://catholicallyear.com/blog/when-i-didnt-like-my-mother-in-law-and/
