Why I Cried When I Found Out I Was Having A Boy

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Motherhood is the time to cherish the new arrival. But what happens when it is plagued with fear and insecurities haunting from the past?

Image: Photo by Marcia Shields

Such is the account of a new mother, Courtney Lund. She dons many a feather in her hat. She is a professor, a writer, an essayist and a blogger from Los Angeles. Lund is currently writing her first book, a memoir on her brother Gavin. A happy-go-lucky woman, she enjoys everything that is related to cooking and loves watching cooking reality shows.

On the personal front, she is a newly-wed, who just had her first child. She is also a mom to her cat Brea. She is an ardent believer in the faith and miracles of God’s healing power and trusts the plans that destiny chalks for us!

But what was it that made Lund fear her impending delivery and motherhood? Why did the gender revelation shake her up so emotionally?

Let’s read on to find more about her heart rending emotional ordeal.

While she waited anxiously on the bed in the scan room with her husband by her side and her belly bearing the cool gel, it was only moments before the couple was to know the gender of the baby that was making its way into the world.

The baby also seemed to toss and turn, keeping the anticipation mounting though Lund always knew that it was going to be nothing but a baby girl, considering her family had so many. It was a surety that surpassed the hubby’s gentle reminder that there was an equal chance of having a boy as well. For that moment, she felt she could do without this scan and was almost taking a turn, when the scanning staff notified that the baby’s gender was ready to be revealed.

After a little prodding into the belly, the technician finally announced that it was a baby BOY. Lund was shocked and her husband Nick stood there with his jaws dropped. He was overwhelmed with joy, as he grabbed Lund by her arms, bringing her back to the reality which she somehow failed to accept. He embraced her, his eyes brimming with tears of pure bliss. But she left the room quietly, her mind disturbed and wavering. The congratulations from the technician and the husband didn’t seem to register in her mind.

How was it possible? Why was she having a baby boy? The answer to her panic was her fears affected by her brother Gavin, who was the only baby boy she ever held, whom she loved and brought up so lovingly, yet feeling miserable by his plight.

She was 19 and in college when she came to know that her brother, then only four months of age, was suffering from a rare genetic disease called AGS or Aicardi-Goutieres Syndrome. He was kept under the supervision of healthcare workers with minimal chances of living. Lund left her studies and dedicated herself to the service of her apparently dying brother. Despite his condition, he was a lovely boy, with eyes that were deep blue, thick golden hair and that perfect pout. She felt more of a maternal protectiveness to redeem Gavin from this tragedy.

The snippets from Gavin’s past; the seizures, the brain deterioration, the limpness and the paleness- everything flashed before her eyes, and it was enough to send her into an abyss of fear. A lurking fear of the same happening to her little boy.

Though her brother survived, he was left disabled and Lund always regretted the normal life that Gavin wouldn’t ever get. When her husband gave her an understanding and warm hand, she was brought back to the reality, the reality that she had to face her fears. She was a super woman who faced and fought this ordeal with Gavin, and now he was part of their everyday life- even proudly attempting to play a few game shots in their living room.

Image: Courtney Lund

Maybe she needed it, this reassurance that everything was going to be ok. That her deep fears needed to be put to rest. And then the calm prevailed, a moment of perfect peace and faith which showed the promise of a bright and happy future for both her boys, the uncle and his nephew, who would grow up together, full of love and support for each other.

This was the story of Courtney Lund, who found a perfect closure to the deep embedded emotional trauma that she suffered in silence. And it was her motherhood that brought her to it. Indeed, faith in God and a supportive family are the pillars that make bridges for the difficult journeys that life plans for us.

Courtney Lund is a writer and professor living in Los Angeles. She is working on a memoir about her brother. She can be found on Twitter @CourtneyLundO

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