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When I got married to my husband, I pledged that I won’t have the stereotypical relationship with my mother-in-law (MIL). So, I made consistent efforts from the beginning itself to impress her. I wanted to be in her good books and like me as much as she adored her other daughters-in-law.
However, this was far from easy. While all of them lived in the same city, we stayed elsewhere (Yes, I agree she is a part of the reason why we don’t live with them).
But, this never hindered my spirit to impress my MIL. I would ensure that I personally send her cards for every occasion, be it a personal celebration or a festival. I made sure that I was a part of every family group message thread, across all platforms, and was always ready with a quick response. I worked the hardest when I visited her place, from cleaning the table and washing the dishes to cooking.
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Though I made sincere efforts to do things my MIL’s way, especially when she was around, she never stopped complaining. But, I was determined to give it my 100 percent and I did. But, things changed. I was pregnant with my first child and had to go and stay at her home for a few days sans my husband. Unfortunately, I was also suffering from prenatal depression at the time.
The depression crippled me and I kept sobbing for hours at a stretch. I had to struggle till 3 in the morning every day to get some sleep. I was vomiting constantly. But, this was met with zero sympathies. My father-in-law did take us out one day for a fancy dinner to cheer me up. However, for the most part of it, they completely ignored me while I cried in one corner, especially my MIL.
Hopelessly depressed, I approached my MIL to seek some comfort from her. Rather, she snapped at me telling me to get over myself, that it happens to everyone, and that I should stop seeking attention all the time.
Until then, I had just been seeking that care from my husband, even if it was over the phone. But, I was too vulnerable that day and I ended up confiding in her. But, her reaction made me feel exploited. A part of me snapped too. It was on this day that I decided that I am done making efforts to be the ‘good’ daughter-in-law.
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I stopped making an effort to please her. I didn’t do things henceforth only because it made her happy. Yes, I did what was required of me as a daughter-in-law. I just stopped going that extra mile for her while compromising on my own happiness.
My MIL wanted to spend time with her grandkids, and of course, she can. But, not at the expense of them skipping something important. We can go to her favorite restaurant each time, but if I find something fancier, I will put forth my choice. And, at times, even ensure that we go to the restaurant I picked.
I didn’t do it to spite her. If she made sense, I would listen to her. It is just that I couldn’t do something only for the sake of her happiness. There was this annual vacation we went for. It was always planned according to everybody’s convenience but mine. So, the next time I found my children’s school time overlap with the plan, I decided to stay back.
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These days, we tiptoe around each other. I wear the tee gifted by her when she is around even though I don’t agree with the view it endorses. But the minute she is out, I toss the cloth to one extreme corner of the cupboard. And, my kids help me out with the most part of it. As long as they are present, things go smooth.
My MIL isn’t a bad person. After all, she has raised such an amazing man – my husband. It’s just that we don’t click and I don’t want to force this relationship anymore. So, we both continue to do what is needed from us, but don’t overstep our boundaries. It is an unsaid understanding we have with each other. Weirdly, I feel that we now understand each other better than ever before!
