How To Deal With A Spouse Who Blames You For Everything

✔ Research-backed

Every couple has disagreements, discord, arguments, and fights, But some spouses can be insufferable and keep shifting the blame that it can make you wonder, ‘Why my husband blames me for everything?’. They keep blaming you for everything and anything, and their behavior seems irrational. It can be very challenging to deal with such spouses as you don’t really know what really hurts or annoys them and when they can fly off the handle. We bring you some of the reasons for their behavior and the best ways to deal with an unreasonable spouse.

In This Article

12 Reasons Why Your Spouse Blames You For Everything

There can be a lot on your spouse’s mind that causes a bad attitude and poor behaviors toward you. To help you understand them better, here are some reasons for blame shifting.

1. They suffer from low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem dislike themselves because they feel they have an inconsequential existence. This causes them tremendous anxiety and a feeling of shame. They are unable to digest failure and criticism and end up lashing out at their partner and blaming them for everything wrong in their life.

2. They have a controlling streak

Controlling husband blames for everything

Image: IStock

People who are perfectionists expect things to be done a certain way. They feel restless and unhappy if things are not up to the mark. So, they become controlling and demand you to follow their orders to ensure everything is perfect. However, when you fail to live up to their expectations, they get angry and blame you for all that goes wrong.

3. They are stressed

Chronic stress can frustrate a person and affect their mental health. Your spouse must be experiencing a lot of stress, and as a reaction, they must be venting it out on you. It does not matter if you are directly involved or not in something that goes wrong, as they will find a reason to blame you and scold you to cope with stress.

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Individuals who are self-obsessed often end up blaming their partners for everything that is happening in their lives. They live in a delusional world and consider themselves as Mr. or Mrs. Always Right.

4. They are narcissistic

Narcissists believe that they do not ever make a mistake (1). If your spouse is a narcissist, they are not likely to admit their mistake as they feel they can do no wrong. They get into manipulation and gaslighting and push the blame on you for everything, including their independent actions.

An anonymous writer shares her feelings after getting out of a toxic relationship. She says, “Despite my attempts to withdraw to protect my well-being, my partner continued to blame me for the instability in our relationship. He even made my need for time into an issue, causing me to feel guilty for prioritizing my mental health (i).”

5. They cannot accept change

Husband not accepting change

Image: IStock

If your marriage is going through a rocky patch, your partner and you are both required to make some changes and adjustments to live together happily. However, if your spouse fears change, then they will resist it. And this resistance can lead them to blame you for the problems you face as a couple.

6. They refrain from taking responsibility

Your spouse may be someone who does not accept responsibility even for their actions. They run away and deny accountability when something goes wrong. Their lack of responsibility prompts them to blame you for everything out of defensiveness.

7. They are unhappy with you

If your spouse persistently blames you for all the wrong reasons, it could mean that they have fallen out of love and are unhappy with you. Their unhappiness could translate into frequent fights and arguments as they blame you for anything lacking in your marriage to trouble you and push you to your limits.

8. They harbor resentment towards you

Trusting your judgment, they must have agreed to something that changed a lot for them, and now they show a lack of empathy and are unhappy with their situation. For instance, they quit their job and decided to move to a new city with you because of your new job. However, they are now unhappy with the change and resent you for it.

9. They grew up in an unhealthy environment

Growing up, your spouse might have witnessed their parents blame them or their spouse whenever something wrong happened. They feel that victim-blaming is normal and part of a relationship. They do not find anything wrong with it and continue unless you speak up against it.

Another anonymous writer shares, “My ex-husband blames me for his abuse. His family blames me for his abuse. Some of his friends blame me for his abuse.

“It is also easier to think there is a gray area, that this is an issue between the couple, that all couples have problems. Caleb and I had problems. I was not the perfect victim who just silently accepted all of the things he told me. I yelled back. I criticized (ii).”

10. They live with some regret

Regrets in life can weigh down a person. Your spouse may be living with some regret that must be weighing on their mind. They could be projecting their dissatisfaction onto you. By blaming you for something, they make you feel guilty and cope with their guilt.

11. They feel they cannot control the children

It is easier to hold you responsible for the child’s mistake

Image: IStock

When children are naughty, it is natural for parents to get angry and they want to discipline them. However, your spouse probably fears losing their temper with their kid so they direct their anger at you. It is easier to hold you responsible for the child’s mistake than try to discipline them.

12. They suffer from some mental ailment

Diagnosing mental health problems is not easy as those conditions are not visible. Your spouse may be suffering from some mental health issue which even they may not be aware of. Issues such as anxiety, bipolar disorder, and similar conditions can cause a behavioral change in a person. Consulting a medical professional can help diagnose and treat the condition.

How To Deal With A Spouse Who Blames You For Everything?

Living with a spouse who is often pointing fingers at you can be stressful and even traumatic. Here are some ways in which you can deal with a spouse who blames you for everything.

1. Talk to your spouse

Perhaps your partner is not aware of how their behavior is affecting you due to communication problems. So, sit with them and calmly explain how you feel about it. Make them understand that it is not okay to blame you, especially when you are not at fault. And when they make an effort to improve themselves, acknowledge it and support them.

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It is also important that you identify patterns in their conduct. Do they hurl things around, start yelling at you, adopt a passive-hostile attitude, or simply walk away and stop talking when they start blaming you? Noticing these patterns can help you find solutions while talking to a family member or an expert.

2. Look for your faults too

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we end up hurting people unintentionally. Try to look back a little and see if you did something that made your spouse resent you. If you identify the reason, try to solve that problem first. Maybe once the root issue is sorted, your spouse may not remain bitter towards you.

3. Try to understand them

Find out what causes your spouse to behave the way they do

To tackle this situation, it is extremely important to find out what causes your spouse to behave the way they do. Once you know the reason for their behavior, it becomes easy to address the problem or clear any misunderstandings. For instance, if your spouse blames you for your children’s mistake, then tell them that blaming them will only spoil their kid. Instead, they can give the kid a stern warning and discipline them.

4. Remember it’s them, not you

When you know you are wrong, you need to admit your mistake and apologize for the same. However, when you know you are not wrong and are still blamed, remember that it is not your fault. Being at the receiving end of your spouse’s frustration and anger may make you feel you are a bad person, but that is not the truth. Do not accept faults that are not yours.

5. Change your attitude

Previously when your spouse blamed you, you may have felt angry and defended yourself. Next time, try keeping calm and do not react to their bad behavior. Do not put up with emotional abuse. If the situation is grave, then walk away from it. When both you and your spouse have cooled down, talk and resolve the issue calmly.

6. Set boundaries for your mental health

It is important you set clear boundaries to tackle the situation to protect your mental well-being. If your partner is angry with you, then tell them you cannot speak with them at that moment and walk away from them. Return only when they seem sorted and at peace.

7. Seek professional help

Seek professional help

Image: Shutterstock

Despite trying everything, if things still don’t change for you, then seek help from a counselor. You can go for yourself or even try couple’s therapy. A good counselor will know how to explain the situation to your spouse and suggest ways to deal with the situation together.

8. Be patient

Being patient is important while dealing with a spouse who always blames you. So, remain calm in difficult situations and try to understand why your spouse acts this way. Patience also fosters effective communication and helps resolve the underlying issues in a relationship. It also keeps your emotions in check and builds trust in your relationship. By being patient, you create a space for discussions and show that you want to work things out. Remember that patience is a superpower and a virtue of a strong person.

9. Handle with respect

Do not lose your calm when your spouse blames you for everything. So, instead of mirroring your partner’s behavior and being mean, convey your points respectfully. Being respectful also sets a good example and tells your partner how you want to be treated. It also prompts your partner to respect your boundaries and be mindful of their words and actions.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. How does blaming negatively affect relationships?

When you are constantly under the umbrella of taking the blame, it could lead to loss of faith and affection and, in turn, create feelings of anguish, negativity, and hatred toward your spouse. In addition, you may feel like there is barely anything left that you can do to make things better.

2. Why do spouses who blame refuse marriage counseling?

Most of the time, a spouse who blames you may refuse to seek counseling because they may not be comfortable sharing their thoughts, willing to change their behaviors, or simply because they are no more interested in the betterment of their relationship.

3. How do I remove blame from my mind?

Understand that you are not accountable for another person’s bad behavior. You cannot control their actions, so refrain from blaming yourself for something you did not do. Instead, begin by practicing self-compassion, and treat yourself with kindness and love. Look at the past from a different angle, and seek lessons to be learned rather than placing blame on anyone.

When you are on the receiving end of blame from your spouse, at times, you may wonder about the reason behind your husband blaming you for everything. However, remember that it is not always your fault, and there could be many reasons for your husband’s blaming behaviors. Nevertheless, keep calm and have an honest conversation with your husband to decipher what could be causing such behaviors. Finally, if nothing seems to be working, set boundaries or seek professional help before deciding on the next steps to deal with the situation.

Infographic: Ways To Deal With A Spouse Who Blames You For Everything

If you have noticed that your spouse can’t stop blaming you, you need to take some practical steps before it’s too late to retain peace in your relationship. Go through the infographic to learn how to deal with a spouse who blames you for everything.

what to do when your spouse blames you for everything (infographic)

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Key Pointers

  • Your spouse may start blaming you for everything if they are stressed, suffering from low self-esteem, or are control freaks.
  • They may feel dissatisfied with you for various reasons, or they could be dealing with psychological issues.
  • Try to sort out the differences with effective communication and seek professional help if needed.
husband blames me for everything_illustration

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team


Learn how to stop your spouse from blaming you for everything with Dr. David Hawkins. Discover the secrets to creating a healthier relationship and a happier life.

Personal Experience: Source

References

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  1. Narcissists don’t learn from their mistakes because they don’t think they make any study shows; Oregon State University;
    https://today.oregonstate.edu/news/narcissists-don%E2%80%99t-learn-their-mistakes-because-they-don%E2%80%99t-think-they-make-any-study-shows
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Dee Gill is a Registered Clinical Counselor and a Canadian Certified Counsellor with 30 years of clinical experience public and private practice. She has done her MA in Counseling Psychology from Adler University in Vancouver (Canada), BA from the University of Victoria (Canada), and Coaching Training from the Institute for Life Coach Training and Therapist University.

Read full bio of Dee Gill