I had to get out of the house, but outside it was pouring like cats and dogs. So I slammed the door shut and walked back into the room while my husband stood there staring into thin air. Soon after, my husband said something and before we knew it we were back at arguing with each other. It is not the first instance of us arguing like this and I’m afraid things have started to take a turn for the worse. Before your mind starts thinking of all the possible reasons why we were fighting, let me tell you that there isn’t one particular thing that we can point to. If it had been something particular wouldn’t we have done something to fix it? Maybe it’s him or maybe it’s me. Or maybe it is the circumstance that is doing this to us. It is the same recurring meaningless fight and honestly, I’m sick of it! I have two small kids — a three-year-old and a seven-year-old, and I am doing the best I can. But, sometimes, that’s never enough!
Why did we argue? Well, before answering this, let me paint a picture of my relationship with my husband. We met on a trekking adventure. It wasn’t love at first sight, but we both knew that there was a connection between us. We stayed in touch, and within a few months, we decided to date. After three years of dating, we got married, and it was nothing short of a fairytale wedding.
After the wedding, things between us were great. My husband would surprise me by cooking fancy meals, and I would take him out on adventures every now and then. We often traveled together, set time aside for dinner dates, went for couples massages, and even made weekend treks a ritual. Spending time together came naturally to us. It was the perfect relationship because we never stopped making an effort for each other.
Despite the pressure from my parents and in-laws, my husband and I waited until we were ready to have kids. We didn’t give in to the pressure of starting a family simply because it had been x number of years. We took our own sweet time and had our kids only when we were emotionally and financially sure about it. However, that doesn’t mean that things didn’t change entirely once we welcomed kids into our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies to the moon and back. But having children changes your relationship with your partner in ways you cannot anticipate. As much as we thought we were ready, we weren’t fully prepared for what was in store for us.
During my pregnancy, my husband took the best care of me. He was always present, made sure I was comfortable, and always accompanied me to the hospital for tests, appointments, and checks. Once the baby was born, we were thrilled. But little did we know that the adventurous life that I and my partner really loved, was almost coming to an end. As much as we loved our little girl, everything became about her. Our lives, schedules, and plans revolved around her, and we struggled to find some quality time to spend together.
Over the next few years, our lives changed drastically. After our second child was born, things got crazier. We stopped making an effort for each other, and my husband and I barely spent time together. We always had our kids with us. Date nights, fancy dinner dates, weekend treks, and everything else that we enjoyed together in the past, became nonexistent.
So, one evening, my husband told me he wants to talk to me about something important. Naturally, like anyone else who hears this statement, I freaked out too. What did I do? What could he want to tell me? I was curious and super eager to know. Once the kids were put to bed, we talked. He told me how he feels like I’m ignoring him. He said we have to make time for each other, or our relationship could lose all chemistry and spice. He was right!
But what we didn’t account for was how hard it was going to be. I tried my best to balance work, my kids, household chores and make time for my partner. It was not practical at all. Every time we would sit together to share a muffin with our evening coffee, our kids would call out to us because they needed us. What was supposed to be an intimate “us” moment, would again go back to being the same old daily drudgery.
The only time we got for ourselves was when one of our parents came to watch the kids. But we would have so many errands planned for that day that it would become a day for a quick checklist run. We definitely planned it wrong! By the end of the day, it felt more like a chore, and there wouldn’t be anything romantic about it.
So, when we had that fight for the umpteenth time, I lost my mind. It was unfair, but I realized that it’s time to say goodbye to our old life. Because we are parents now, and parenthood has no break from kids. If we have to rekindle the spark in our relationship, we have to find a way to do it without removing our kids from our lives. We have to accept the fact that we can’t go back to our carefree days. If we keep trying to do that we will keep getting caught in nostalgia and not be able to enjoy life as it is today.
So dear husband, if you’re wondering why I ignore you all the time, you have to know that I don’t do it to spite you. With all my mommy duties and responsibilities, often I am too tired and exhausted to give you the attention you deserve. But it’s time I try to change that. Because like we promised each other on our wedding day, we will always make an extra effort to put a smile on each other’s faces, and it’s time I stop ignoring that promise!