For parents, being able to welcome their little one into this world and having the opportunity to raise them is one of the most profound and valuable experiences of their lives. However, some have to go through the painful experience of losing their little ones during a miscarriage. There’s nothing more crushing than losing an unborn child, and any couple who has been through a miscarriage will probably agree. Parents who have lost an unborn child often take a long time to move on from their loss. The grief stays with you for days, weeks, months, and even years sometimes. Often, miscarriages are accompanied by complications to the mother’s health as well. The various impacts on health can be physical as well as mental and emotional.
When you’ve been through something so traumatic, sometimes there’s nothing a person can say or do to make you feel better. But some words might give you a glimmer of hope when your world seems to be filled with darkness. But then others can really sting and you wish that person didn’t say them. We bring to you women who reveal some of the best and worst things that were said to them after a miscarriage:
- “At Least, You Were Not That Far Along”
There is this notion that if a miscarriage happens early in the pregnancy, the mother doesn’t feel the emotional pain of it. This is a very wrong way of looking at one’s loss.
Whether you lost your baby at three weeks, three months, or three years, the pain is unbearable. Don’t let anyone disregard your pain and suffering by telling you that you were “not that far along”. Does that make your loss less significant? Absolutely not! Therefore, ignore these people. Better yet, stay away from them. You don’t need them in your life.
- “Be Thankful That You Were Able To Get Pregnant”
Many face multiple complications related to fertility which can at times be also linked to miscarriages. The relation between infertility and miscarriage is complex and many times can be seen to overlap (1). So you can imagine the pain these couples experience, when they have managed to conceive after much hurdles only to lose their baby to a miscarriage later. Saying something like “ At least you were able to get pregnant” would cause a lot of hurt to people going through such a problem. Your intentions may be well founded and you probably meant to say “ You will do better next time”. But even in that case, miscarriages take a toll on the mothers health and there is no guarantee that she will actually be able to successfully conceive the next time. Sure, you might be well-intentioned, but your approach is the worst.
- “You Didn’t Have To Get To Know Her And Then Lose Her”
The minute you hear you’re pregnant, you are hopeful and eager to meet your little one. You already love them and cannot wait to meet them. You cannot wait to hold them in your arms and shower them with kisses. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t get to meet your baby. You still know your unborn child, and losing them is heartbreaking.
- “It’s Not Your Fault”
You’re probably beating yourself up for losing your child (even though it’s not your fault). You might be guilt-ridden and blaming yourself for the loss already. At a time like that, hearing these four words might be just what you need. It might help you heal from the loss and take the first step towards acceptance of what happened. Kind words from people who really care can have a big impact on us. They really get our perspectives straight at times when we find it hard to do it ourselves.
- “Your Baby Will Always Be With You”
The pain of losing a fetus is complex. The parents didn’t even get to see or know the person it could have been. Often it leaves the parents confused and hurt, rendering them emotionally incapable of expressing the pain.
Saying something along these lines might just be what a grieving parent needs to hear. You miss your baby and are mourning their loss. But knowing that they’ll always be there with you is something that gives you comfort and assurance.
- “All She Ever Knew Was The Love And Warmth Of Being In Your Belly”
How beautiful is it to remind a lamenting mother that her baby was loved? Your baby might not have been out in the world, but they knew what love was because that’s what you gave them, even before they saw the light outside. It’s truly a wonderful thing to say to a mother who cannot overcome her unborn baby’s loss. Remind her that she kept her baby warm, safe, and happy in her belly.
- “You Can Always Try Again”
Remember, saying seemingly practical and logical things to people at certain times can actually be more harmful. Especially so in the painful situation where someone has just lost their baby. The person is grieving and deserves some time to go through the pain. Telling her that she can try it again is a cold approach and can cause much hurt. Do you think a mother does not know this? Of course, she knows that she can try again, but that doesn’t make her loss any less painful. Sure, you might be trying to give her some hope, but to her, it might seem like her loss is invalid.
Losing a baby is traumatic and excruciatingly painful. You might be at a loss for words when you come across someone who has been through such a loss. But we urge you to be more aware of what you’re saying to them. If you don’t know what to say, just hug them and express your heartfelt condolences but try not to make the situation worse. Have you ever encountered a grieving parent who lost their unborn child? How did you handle the situation? Comment below and let us know!
- Infertility and miscarriage: common pathways in manifestation and management