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What kind of a question is that, did you think? Yes, I really mean to ask you if you do, ever, address your husband by his name casually, publicly or even at home in full view of your in-laws? Well, if you’ve hesitated before answering this one, then I’ve already got your attention.
Now that I’ve got you thinking about this, let us delve a little deeper. We, as Indians, are sure to relate to this as we are generally brought up to be pretty formal in our behavior, especially in the way we address our relatives. So, whether it is our numerous aunts and uncles (even those not in the family fold), our neighbors, friends, siblings, distant relatives, etc., you will never find us addressing them by their names, except in cases where the said person is younger to us. Even then, more often than not, we have pet names for them. For instance, names like Chotu, Bubli, Bunty, Chinna, Chintu, etc., are all such terms of endearment which the elders like to fondly address their younger ones with. Sometimes even after they’ve grown big enough to have their own set of children!
Apart from the formal names, we also tend to add the suffix “ji” to show respect and politeness in the way we address our elders – like daddy-ji, mummy-ji, amma-ji, uncle-ji, etc. And then, of course, how can we forget the professionals – engineer sahab, doctor sahab, or inspector sahab.
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Considering the amount of fondness and respect associated with most relationships in Indian society, it is hard to fathom that no such “politeness” is generally taught while addressing a wife. Honestly, in my opinion, I do feel that a certain level of formality can be done away with, especially in a relationship as intimate as a husband-wife’s. While this may hold true for the husband, who can easily address his wife by her name, it isn’t the case for the wife. Because from time immemorial, women in India have traditionally been taught not to address their husbands by their name while growing up. There is also a curious trivia attached to it. Call it mythological influence or what you will, but women were generally made to believe that husbands were actually a form of God – or a pati parmeshwar*! And Bollywood movies of the yore easily pandered to this idea as it found a ready audience for it. And the result: Indian women, irrespective of the caste or religion they belonged to, were strictly asked to adhere to this custom.
In fact, personally, I had a similarly jarring experience as a new bride a few years back. I had unwittingly addressed my husband by his name in front of his mother and several of his aunts. And no prizes for guessing what would have transpired! From getting labeled as “too modern”; being asked to address him as “A-ji”, “Suniye Ji” and the likes, to eventually being admonished for “disrespecting” my husband, I was put through it all. But the fact that I continue to address my husband by his name till date – something he’s rather cool about – shows that it doesn’t make much of a difference for the current generation of husbands. And it seems completely practical too, rather than disrespectful, when I have to address him when he is in a group of men!
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Now, this brings me to the all-important question again. Why are certain traditions and customs applied only to women? As subtle as they may seem, but such customs and traditions do look oppressive when applied to only one of the gender. Isn’t it time to overcome such regressive customs and move on, especially in the 21st century? So, ladies, do you still hesitate to address your husband by his name? I’ll leave the decision to you. But, let me also add that there’s nothing to get bogged down about, especially if you and your better half look up to each other as life partners and friends, and not as demi-gods!
*vernacular term meaning God-like husband.
