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It’s no news that siblings fight — a lot. As a parent, I wonder why they do and what I can do to make them stop. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tried to stop them. The truth is, siblings are going to fight with or without intervention. They are bound to annoy each other and get on one another’s nerves, and nothing I do will stop them. I’ve tried to scold them, advise them and even ground them when they fight. But it’s all in vain. Sometimes, I get the feeling that they enjoy fighting with each other. I mean, can you blame me? One minute I see them fighting over who stole the cookies from the jar for the hundredth time, and the next minute I see them playing together pretending to be pirates. What do you expect me to think?
I’m aware that siblings fight, and it’s best to let them sort things out for themselves. But when my kids fight, I feel helpless. Especially when their fights last a while. Sometimes days. I step out of my house to get something done, and by the time I come back, my kids are fighting. This happens every time. The only thing I’ve learned from this experience of watching my kids fight over everything and nothing is to teach them conflict resolution skills.
I grew up with siblings too. So I get it. I understand the need to fight. It’s mostly over issues related to ownership of things/toys, need for personal space, invasion of that space, jealousy (oh, let’s not deny it), and of course, just-for-the-fun-of-it. While I understand the everyday conflicts that occur between siblings, it’s not fun to watch when it’s my kids. (A moment of self-reflection: Sorry, mom and dad, I now understand what I put you through!)
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I’ve learned that the best way to deal with children fighting with each other is to do nothing and let it run its course. It might even end up strengthening their relationship and teaching them how to respect each other, value each other’s emotions, and have each other’s backs as they grow up. However, the need to intervene comes into the picture when one sibling (usually the older one) has an unfair advantage over the other. But I’ve learned that parents should never take sides. It aggravates the situation and may be detrimental to the sibling relationship.
What works best is to stay out of it but help them see things a bit more clearly. Plant a little bit of empathy in your kids by asking them, “How do you think your sister feels right now?” or you could say, “Do you understand how that made your brother feel?”. If you identify the problem, try not to solve it for them. Instead, ask them, “How do you think you can solve this problem?”. By giving them the space to decide, you are implementing a problem solving behavioral pattern among your kids.
While most sibling squabbles are normal and do not need your intervention, you need to step in when the usual fights turn into bullying. Abusive behavior or bullying may negatively impact a child’s well-being and needs to be put to a full stop. Typically, the broil between siblings involves back-and-forth verbal remarks. However, when a parent notices that one sibling is targeted and attacked by another, there is no harm in stepping in and making things right. Do not ignore abusive behavior in the pretense that kids will be kids.
Getting in between a siblings’ quarrel might be tricky, but it’s your responsibility to help them navigate through it healthily and ensure that they are safe with each other. The only thing you can do is to teach them and model negotiation, problem-solving skills, and conflict resolution. Finally, trust them to handle it on their own but keep an eye on them to know if they are applying what you’ve taught them. There’s nothing more you can do. Relax and let them figure it out.
