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Being a mother is no easy feat, and I learned this the hard way. When I was pregnant with my baby, I thought about how I would be the perfect mother. I had it all planned out. I would have my baby and shower him/her with all my love. My husband and I would give them everything they would ever need and raise them with the right values. I dreamed of going to parks, pools, and camping sites with my little one, where we would laugh, play, and roast marshmallows. At night we would pitch a tent and sit by a lake while watching the stars and thanking the universe for us as a family. All these were my hopes and dreams when I was pregnant (of course, it could have just been the pregnancy hormones). But things drastically changed after I had my baby.
My son was born, and my husband disappeared. He buried himself in work and couldn’t care less about our well-being. When I needed help the most, he was not around, and eventually, my husband and I decided to separate. We tried making it work, but finally, we decided that it was best if we separated because it was clear that he was not ready to be a father. While that decision was painful but necessary, the repercussions it had were something I wasn’t prepared to face.
On my son’s first birthday, my whole family came together to celebrate it. They knew I was sad and left lonely because now I was a single parent. So my father, mother, siblings, and a few neighbors came together to throw me a wonderful birthday surprise. While I was super grateful for them, I couldn’t help but feel sad that my baby boy will have to grow up without a father figure present in his life. The birthday was a success, and the guests showered my son with gifts of all kinds.
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After the guests left, I was lying down with my baby by my side. I looked at him and saw him smile at me. His smile was warm, and his eyes sparkled. I was supposed to be filled with joy, but instead, I was reminded of my husband. My son’s smile was the same as my ex-husbands, and I burst into tears. The thought that this little one reminded me of him made me furious and I wanted to run away from my baby.
My mother noticed this and held my baby in her arms while putting him to sleep. After some time had passed, she approached me with kindness and told me how I’m the only one who is there for my son. She asked me, “If you don’t love him, who will?”. At that moment, I realized what a bad mom I had been. I couldn’t love my baby with my whole heart because he reminded me of my ex-husband. Is that fair to my baby or me?
The next few days were hard. I spent my time thinking hard about what kind of a mother I want my son to have and what I was to him. As much as it pained me that he reminded me of my ex-husband, I had to make my peace with it. And I did. I took some time for myself but realized that we’d got each other, and even though his father is not in the picture, we can be each other’s companions for life. Over time I started accepting my son for everything he is, irrespective of how much he reminded me of his father. Quite frankly, I was sorry that it took so long to love him and accept him, but now that I did, there was no going back!
