Nobody likes me. At least, that is what I believe due to my anxiety.
At my workplace, I feel that my colleagues are ignoring me. I worry myself sick thinking I’m inferior to the rest of them. I even start finding reasons why my colleagues are superior to me – a better education, more good-looking, or better skills, perhaps. I sometimes imagine that my colleagues may be making fun of me behind my back. There is no end to such pessimistic reasoning from my end.
Then there are the social gatherings. I’m generally excited to go out and meet people. But once there, I feel completely out of place. I wouldn’t know if I need to stay quiet or talk. And when I do talk, I worry if I’m being too loud, or sound crappy. At the end of it all, I feel I’ve come out looking like a fool.
Because of my anxiety, I dread taking the first step towards anything and everything in life. There is an overwhelming fear of rejection that lurks around me. I feel I might end something even before it starts, which may actually not be the case. I’m fearful of taking those risks which would probably have been beneficial to me. I fear taking decisions on my own.
My anxiety makes me vulnerable and overemotional. Even when I’m in the company of my friends – friends whom I’ve known for a long time. I overreact to every comment they make and take every general remark personally. At times, however, I do feel that my friendships have lasted this long not because of me. It is because my friends were understanding. They deserve a better friend than me.
In my defense, though, my anxious nature extends even to my immediate family. There are times – many times – when I haven’t been able to have a decent conversation with my family. Even at the dinner table, I feel lost like an outsider. I simply don’t get the inside jokes and fail to laugh at some. Which is why I simply withdraw to my room. I don’t feel like interacting with my family anymore. I feel like I’m a total misfit.
All this has only made my anxiety worse. Now, I tend to overanalyze every situation. If I’m expecting someone to reply to my messages, I stress about it every minute. And when it does arrive, I’ll still look into the nature of the response – why is it short? Is it rude? Did I manage to annoy that person? And then, I jump to the conclusion that this person is actually not interested in me, but is simply being polite by responding. Finally, I end up blaming myself for messaging that person in the first place. This is also the reason why I haven’t been able to date someone in a long time now.
The same goes for my dinner or movie plans with my gang. I find it hard to believe when some friends can’t make it because of genuine reasons. I don’t trust them. I just convince myself that it’s me that they want to avoid. Because of my anxiety, I believe I do not belong to this world, this family, or with this bunch of friends. Even though I am aware, at times, how much my family cares and loves me. Yet, I keep seeking reassurance for myself. It becomes difficult for me to keep an optimistic view of my life. I have made peace with the fact that only bad things can happen to me.
My anxiety has eventually made me doubt my self-worth. I constantly feel inferior and unattractive. When people compliment me, I do not believe them. When someone confesses his love for me, I brush his feelings aside. Why on earth would someone love me, of all people? There isn’t a dearth of good-looking, smart people around; so why only me? I’m someone who is worthy of being ignored. Someone who should be relegated to the oblivion. Someone who everybody would love to hate. That is what my anxiety makes me believe!