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While pregnancy is a profound, life-altering experience that often resonates with joy and the occasional worry, there’s another overpowering emotion that most women experience — guilt. When pregnant, you’re bombarded with unsolicited advice, a plethora of information, and you also end up comparing yourself to other expectant mothers. All of this can lead to you questioning yourself and feeling guilty if you haven’t met the expectations others have set for you (or you have set for yourself).
When guilt creeps in, you’ll most likely resort to one common coping strategy: perfectionism. Several women have experienced guilt and perfectionism during the course of their pregnancies, and if you’re one of them, keep reading!
Why All That Guilt?
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There could be plenty of reasons why you may feel guilty when you’re pregnant, but some of the most common reasons that women collectively experience are as follows:
1. Worried About The Early Days Of Pregnancy
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The chances are that you found out about your pregnancy only after several weeks or even after a couple of months! The truth is, this is extremely common, and you’re not alone. However, you’re probably feeling guilty about certain things you must have indulged in, in the first few weeks of pregnancy, not knowing that you were pregnant. This could be something like consuming alcohol, smoking, or even seafood! And you know what? It’s okay! You didn’t know then, but you know now that you must steer clear of certain things. Talk to your doctor to find out if you and your baby are safe, and focus on practicing good habits for the remainder of your pregnancy.
2. You’re Never In The Mood
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The intimacy you share with your partner might see a downward spiral during your pregnancy, and that’s okay. In some cases, mothers are worried that intercourse may harm the baby. In other cases, it makes them uncomfortable. Nothing’s easy when you’re carrying a tiny human in your belly, so cut yourself some slack. The lack of libido is a common side effect of pregnancy, so don’t feel guilty about it! And if you experience the opposite — an increase in libido, that’s fine and perfectly normal! (1).
3. You’re Not As Excited As The First Time
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This is something a lot of mothers who are pregnant for the second time experience — they’re not as excited about their baby as they were the first time they got pregnant. Don’t feel guilty about it because it is not rare. It may help if you join a mom’s group or get yourself involved in the plans for your new arrival. You can also get your first child involved, so you can share their excitement and prepare them for their sibling(s) too.
4. Feeling Cranky All The Time
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Pregnancy can take a toll on your body. From morning sickness to swollen feet and ankles to the constant need to pee and the occasional constipation, it may seem like you’ve had it all! (2). And being in a perpetual state of discomfort can leave you feeling cranky, irritable, and upset. You may have regular emotional outbursts and end up snapping at others. Don’t feel guilty about being grumpy all the time. Do what you can to cheer yourself up, and understand that it’s okay if you’re not a ray of sunshine every day (3).
5. Not Being Your Healthiest Best
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We’ve been told time and again that when pregnant, you’re responsible for two, so behave! From what you eat to the way you go about your day, everything is expected to be within the bracket of “healthy”. But you may have the occasional slip. There may be days when you don’t feel like going for your morning walks. Or the thought of vegetables makes you puke. It’s okay to feel this way. Don’t put yourself through a lot of pressure to be overly healthy or fit. Do your best, and prioritize your health, but don’t beat yourself up if you have a few misses.
Identifying Unhealthy Perfectionism
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With all that guilt brewing on one side, the chances are that you’re stressing over everything, trying to make it all perfect. Unhealthy perfectionism can be identified as constantly thinking and obsessing about your mistakes and everything that makes you guilty. If you go overboard with perfecting everything you do, even if it is as simple as setting the table, and then experience anxiety if it does not meet your organizational standards, it could be a sign of unhealthy perfectionism (4).
How To Overcome Guilt And Perfectionism In Pregnancy
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If you’re struggling with guilt and perfectionism at this point, worry not. There are a few things that may help you:
- Come to terms with what has happened and accept it for what it is.
- If you owe someone an apology (probably your partner, for being rude to them), and if it is necessary, go ahead and tell them you’re sorry.
- Think about what you can do to prevent it from happening again and how you will do things differently the next time.
- Pamper yourself occasionally when you can. Maybe go for a nice massage or catch up with your friends over brunch.
- Talk to your partner, a friend, or a relative about how you feel; they can give you different perspectives that may help you feel better.
- Seek professional help if you can’t cope on your own.
Pregnancy can be a difficult time, one that is ridden with anxiety, guilt, and fear. But it doesn’t have to be that way all the time. Know that you’re not the first person to feel this way, nor will you be the last. And always remember, this too shall pass. Did you go through a similar experience? Let us know in the comments below!
