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A year ago, around this time, I was gearing up to send my daughter to preschool. The new session was starting, and it was going to be a whole new chapter in her life (and mine). So the tears aside from both ends, I was actually looking forward to this moment – my little girl’s first steps into the big world.
But once it actually happened, all I could feel was grief. Letting go is difficult. Especially of little hands, you’ve been holding so carefully for all this time.
And then the inevitable happened. A week into the new schedule, the world shut down.
Now, after a year of taking complete care of my daughter (at home and by myself), you’d think I’d be ready to let her rejoin preschool again.
But it’s not so easy.
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You see, when the COVID-19 lockdown came knocking on all our doors and effectively locked us in for good, we had to stop the preschool classes. We wanted to be as safe as we could. Both of us (my husband and I) were at high risk of catching the disease, and we didn’t want to take any chances.
We were fortunate enough to work from home and know that we won’t have to spend countless hours on homework since our daughter was still too young to get into the educational grind. Not to mention that we led relatively stable lives in spite of the circumstances in which many lost their jobs.
Despite the silver linings all around, our journey was far from a smooth one.
As a parent, you know that toddlers are far from capable of spending time on their own. So coming up with a schedule that kept all of us sane was a struggle.
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Over the last one year, I couldn’t help but cave under the pressure of the many roles I now suddenly had to juggle within this globally imposed confinement. There were days when I was so overwhelmed that I spent my free moments crying on the bathroom floor. Only to get up and clean it the next moment, because what choice did I have?
At this point, I couldn’t help but think that sanity would only come to me when my world went back to normal. That is when I go back to work and my daughter back to preschool.
And that moment came when my husband and I got vaccinated. I was excited to know that at least semi-normal life was on the horizon!
But somewhere within that excitement, I couldn’t help but feel that year-old grief again. Over the course of the last 365 days, I got to see my daughter grow and learn new things every day, fostering a far deeper connection between us than I ever anticipated.
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Together my husband and I were able to shape her personality and watch her turn into this amazing little individual she is. And to know that I’m not going to be an active part of her growing up years as I was stung a little.
I am genuinely dreading the time now when I no longer will be the center of her world. I know it’s a little selfish, but it’s a loss I will feel deeply. We got so close, after all. And that makes letting go so much harder!
What’s next? Now begins a phase of her life in which she’ll actively seek out the company of her friends; and even enjoy it more than ours. Her world will grow, and so will mine.
And even though I’ll mourn the loss of the separation we’ll now have to face, I’ll feel eternally grateful for having gone through a phase where I could actively enjoy every little moment of her life.
So my message to all the moms out there who are waiting to get back to a normal world — allow yourself to feel what you feel. It’s valid. And it’ll be okay too.
