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Did you ever feel like you were doing a decent job at parenting, and then your toddler bursts your bubble by telling you they hate you and runs away from you at a grocery store? Fortunately or rather unfortunately, you’re not the only one. Almost every single parent is convinced that they are doing a good job of raising their kids and teaching them how to behave well. But, parenting, especially discipling the kids is never as easy or smooth as it seems. Most of the time punishing your kids just blows up in your face and this isn’t entirely your kid’s fault. Sometimes adults have a hard time controlling their emotions and tend to reprimand their children more than what’s necessary. So, how can you stop this from happening? Finding ways to get your point across without adversely affecting their mental state is of great importance. The last thing you want as a parent is be the root cause of their fear and insecurities.
Here are 4 ways to discipline your child without damaging their self-esteem:
1. Intentions Matter
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If a child didn’t intend to hurt anyone, then they shouldn’t be punished. We punish children for repeated unpleasant behavior that they do on purpose. Most children often don’t mean any harm when they do something wrong. They are simply new to the world and learning how best to discover it. So it’s important to support your kids even if their actions lead to undesirable results. For example, scolding your child for dropping food on the floor when they are trying to learn how to eat by themselves will do nothing but discourage them. Not to mention that some situations with a not so much outcome are completely spontaneous. So, sympathize with your child and tell them how to fix the problems instead.
Repeatedly punishing a child for making mistakes and having accidents will only lead to them doubting themselves and becoming indecisive. They will not be able to take the lead later on in life, choosing to follow someone else instead as they are not confident individuals (1).
2. Suggest, Don’t Order
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Let’s be honest, you and I are more likely to comply if someone asks us to do something nicely instead of ordering us around. Sometimes adults can forget that children work the same way. Most parents make the mistake of thinking that being stern and giving ultimatums are the only way to get their kids to listen. But these traditional methods were never the answer. They didn’t work for you and they won’t work for your child unless you want them to be ruled by fear. Be aware of the way you phrase things and the tone you use while talking to your little ones. For example, saying “ clean up that mess you made” and “would you like to tidy up together?” are two ways that yield the same result. If you employ the latter, you actually might have some success in getting what you want voluntarily.
3. Empty Threats Won’t Do The Job
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Kids are smart and catch onto things quickly, so threatening them with the bogeyman will only work for so long. If you’ve promised to punish your child, make it something realistic and see it through. Kids are also big on promises and if you don’t keep them, they won’t take anything you say seriously. So the next time your child misbehaves, tell them you’re taking their favorite toy away. Limit their internet access and game time or don’t take them to the park that weekend. Whatever you think the consequence should be, the idea is to stick with it to prove that repercussions for actions are serious. If the anticipation for the punishment is punishment enough for your child, sit them down and talk to them about their behavior and what they can do to change it.
4. If You Don’t Know Who’s Guilty, Punish Everyone
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There’s a reason mass detention was so effective. If you are not sure who started the trouble and who was the accomplice, punishing them both is the best thing to do. However, if your child was with a friend then don’t criticize the other child at all and remove yourself from a situation repeatedly. If they were with a sibling or relative and did something terribly wrong, they should both face the consequences. If you refrain from doing this, the person you punish will be damaged and might become a scapegoat for the group in other situations as well. They will be left feeling embarrassed and vulnerable while the other child looks down on them with an inflated self-esteem. If they are partners in crime, they’re partners in punishment.
Parenting can be confusing at times. One minute you think everything is going great and the next minute you find that you’ve been bombing at everything. Kids don’t make life easier either and can be quite the handful when they want to be. Finding ways to discipline them and get them to listen to you without scaring them emotionally is a task. But now that you know what not to do, you’re better prepared for the job. Is there something we’ve missed out on? Let us know in the comments section!
